When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new
shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each
outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't
even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added,"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Clay Buchholz/Lloyd Christmas separated at birth?

Print it, laminate it, frame it

Clay throws no-hitter in second MLB start!

BOSTON -- For 23-year-old right-hander Clay Buchholz, whose understated Beaumont, Texas, drawl bespeaks a grasp of higher powers, the moment came around the seventh inning of his second Major League start.

"You know when everybody knows what's going on," said Buchholz on Saturday night, still wearing his Red Sox jersey, "and then you look at the scoreboard, and then say, 'Oh, Lord.'"

And so the 6-foot-3 rookie, whose Major League focus matched a singularly dominant repertoire on one historic night, finally noticed a lack of Red Sox sitting near him in the dugout. Then he went out and became only the third pitcher since 1900 to throw a no-hitter in his first or second Major League start.

By completing the 17th no-hitter in Red Sox history, Buchholz accomplished at such an early stage in his career what Roger Clemens, Pedro Martinez and Curt Schilling never did in a Red Sox uniform.

Buchholz struck out nine, walked three and hit a batter as Boston won, 10-0, before 36,819 thrilled fans. And he threw 115 pitches before a workload-leery Red Sox front office, which gleefully celebrated with hugs and fist pumps on the last offering, a 1-2 curveball that froze Nick Markakis.

Buchholz joined Mark Buehrle of the White Sox (April 18) and Justin Verlander of the Tigers (June 12) among the pitchers to throw a no-hitter this season -- all of whom are American Leaguers. He also became the 21st rookie to throw a no-hitter, the first since Florida's Anibal Sanchez on Sept. 6, 2006.

According to the Elias Sports Bureau, Buchholz is the third pitcher since 1900 to throw a no-hitter in his first or second Major League start. Bobo Hollomon threw a no-hitter in his debut on May 6, 1953, for the St. Louis Browns at home against the Philadelphia A's, and Wilson Alvarez did it in his second start on Aug. 11, 1991, for the White Sox at Baltimore.

Considered one of the franchise's top pitching prospects since his arrival as a sandwich pick -- 42nd overall -- out of Angelina College in 2005, compensation for Martinez leaving as a free agent, Buchholz didn't take long to establish himself in the Majors.

For nine innings, Buchholz sparkled among thousands of flashbulbs. He commanded his fastball early, working in a devastating array of offspeed pitches.

After each out, typically the result of a gravity-defying curveball or an immaculately released changeup, the nervous Red Sox rookie nibbled on his glove, enjoying the scene. No later than the seventh inning, the crowd had reached a fever pitch.

Miguel Tejada led off the seventh with a hot shot up the middle. Second baseman Dustin Pedroia dove to his right, stabbing the bounding ball. He turned and threw. Tejada, hurtling headfirst into first, was late.

"To me," Tejada said, "that was the best play they made the whole night."

Buchholz's defensive reputation lags behind the Gold Glove candidate Pedroia's. Nevertheless, he came up with his own top play in the eighth, snaring a Jay Payton rocket on the mound and throwing him out.

Still, Jason Varitek took special care to note the impressive ground that center fielder Coco Crisp covered on a pair of Corey Patterson drives to the outfield gap -- one in the sixth, one in the ninth. That was the most "overlooked" performance, the Sox catcher said.

Answered Crisp, "All the credit goes to [Buchholz]."

"We're back there just trying to make plays for him," Crisp said. "We're his pawns ... and you know, we've got to come up with the plays. That's our job."

The night belonged to Buchholz. When he rang up the final out, a delayed punchout that sent the crowd and the home dugout into a frenzy, the Red Sox spilled onto the field, forming a bounding huddle around the rookie pitcher.

Crisp and third baseman Mike Lowell expressed disappointment that David Ortiz -- "camera hog," Lowell called Big Papi -- beat them to the punch.

"You're rooting for him," Lowell said. "You're absolutely rooting for him."

After the game, Crisp ticked off the many ways in which Buchholz took control.

"He was able to stay focused," he said, "and not allow too many hard-hit balls. And the ones that were hit stayed up in the air."

Perhaps most importantly, Crisp said, on a night when he began the fifth and sixth by walking leadoff men -- "a couple of big innings that can throw a pitcher off" -- Buchholz "was able to relax, go back out there, take a couple of deep breaths at times and stay in his rhythm."

Before the game, Red Sox manager Terry Francona spoke of a letdown in Buchholz's Triple-A performance after he made his Major League debut on Aug. 17. For two weeks, the prospect shuttled across upstate New York, losing his next two starts as a member of the Pawtucket Red Sox.

But, Francona added, "I think we still love this kid to death. And we're excited for a chance to run him out there and see how he does."

Kevin Youkilis added a three-run home run to the cause. Still, the Red Sox's 10-run outburst and the circumstances of the effort -- the Yankees won in the afternoon, staying five games back in the AL East -- remained secondary to Buchholz's singular brilliance.

"I don't even have a word for it," Buchholz said.



CONGRATS CLAY! You're serving the Lavinius Mancrush population proud!

Clay Buchholz throws no-hitter in 2nd major league start!

• 17th no-hitter in Red Sox history; 11th at Fenway
• First Red Sox rookie to throw a no-hitter
• Only the third player in MLB history to throw a no-hitter in their first or second start. (Bobo Hollomon did it in his first start on May 6, 1953, for the St. Louis Browns at home against the Philadelphia Athletics, and Wilson Alvarez did it in his second start on Aug. 11, 1991, for the Chicago White Sox at Baltimore.)

[box score]

No wonder he's Lavinius' Mancrush v.2!!!!

the next clutch hit j.d. drew has this season...

... will be his first.

Papelbon...

Is the first reliever in Sox history to post consecutive 30+ save seasons. Seriously, nobody else in Sox history has done this?!

Solid work on the license plates, Cooch

That New York one might be a long lost relative.

A little Sunshine State representation...



Bwahahahahahahaha!

BEST. PLATE. EVER.

runner-up:

The King of All Beatdowns

October 7, 1916

Georgia Tech 222, Cumberland 0

Re-live the ass mauling here

Put this in the all-time "cheap save" category...

despite winning by 27 runs over the lowly baltimore orioles, texas rangers reliever wes littleton was actually credited with a save!!!!! BWAHAHAHHAH

box score

Texas Rangers put an old-fashioned beating on the Baltimore Orioles...

BALTIMORE (AP) -- The Texas Rangers became the first team in 110 years to score 30 runs in a game, setting an American League record Wednesday in a 30-3 rout of the Baltimore Orioles.

full story

This pounding occurred just hours after the Orioles re-signed interim manager Dave Tremblay... Welcome to Baltimore, Dave!

'Michael Vick's Dog-Walking Service' Grand Opening to be Postponed...

... at least 12-18 months....

Vick accepts plea deal

"Pottery" Buchholz wins major league debut; Gagne taints the day

On this date of August 17 in the year 2007, Clay "Pottery" Buchholz (aka Mancrush V.2) made his big league debut for the Red Sox against American League power the LA Angels of Anaheim. This came after much poking and prodding on Lavinius' behalf to get this kid to the majors.

Several keystrokes later, Lavinius' efforts proved fruitful. Clay got the call-up, and Lavinius was a happy man.

As luck would have it, Lavinius would be out of his homestead for this milestone event as he was at Tire Kingdom getting his tires balanced. While waiting for the tire balancing to conclude, he consulted his good friend Cooch via text messaging to try and get a status report. Upon receiving the text, Cooch's subsequent response would indicate utter flaborgastment:

"You near your email?"

At this point I'm thinking, "dude, if I was, would I be texting you?" Me being the consummate ball-buster, I replied back with:

"Would I be asking you if I was? You're killing me dude (*winkface*)"

Cooch was very tolerant of Lavinius' wiseassery.

"Thought so! Decent outing but far from great. Hitters caught up to him the second time around. Eleven guys on base over six. Given the lineup and the circumsanc"

another text comes in...

"es i'd give him a b-plus"

Lavinius was pleased with this news. I then wanted to find out more information, such as runs allowed and K's.

"Three earned runs and three walks. Eight hits and five strike outs."

Lavinius thought that was pretty fucking solid against a team with the offensive talents of the Halos. The five K's in six innings was especially pleasing to see. Cooch told me he has a nasty changeup. At that point, I couldn't want to get out of Tire Kingdom and back to Casa Lavinius to view highlights from this game.

Hours later, highlights of his performance were posted on the Red Sox official site. From there, mouse clickage took place, followed by a double-click to make Windows Media Player full-screen mode, and on the monitor of my IBM Thinkpad was none other than the man himself. My eyes were treated to an assortment of sick changeups that fell straight off a table. They would appear to be fastballs to the hitters' eyes, only to sharply dart groundward at the very last moment. Cooch speaketh the trutheth about his changeup. The rumors of it being more filthy than Paris Hilton are 100% true. Only difference is Clay's changeups don't need a Valtrex prescription.

At the end of game one, the Sox emerged victorious by a score of 8-4. Mancrush V.2 beats one of the top pitchers in the AL, John Lackey, in his major league debut. Good times. Good times.

Unfortunately, Clay would be used and discarded like a cheap whore. He was sent down to Pawtucket after the game.

Hours later, game two of the doubleheader took place. As luck would have it, Mancrush V.1 (Josh Beckett, as if I had to specify) would be working that game. What are the odds that Mancrush V.2 would be making his ML debut working a doubleheader with Mancrush V.1? It had to have been fate. Either that, or some higher power likes Lavinius.

Beckett once again turned in a studly outing: 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 K's but left with his team trailing 2-1. The score would balloon to 4-1 going into the bottom of the 8th inning and it looked like once again my boy would be hit with a tough luck loss. Fortunately, Papi Grande and Manuel Ramirez made sure this wouldn't happen. Clutch hits by both made the score 5-4 Sox going into the 9th.

With Papelbon working the first game, Sox manager Theresa Francona elected to go with enigmatic rotund Canadian Frenchman Eric Gagne. If there was one man in Fenway that had a chance to play wood-killer, it was Gagne (or Gag-me). Sure enough, the fucker implodes in the 9th inning, allowing three runs to cross. It was the third such lead Gagne has blown in a week in his brief, painful Red Sox tenure. Fenway justly boos the ever-loving shit out of him following yet another implosion. For a guy that was supposed to bolster the bullpen, the only thing he's done is bolster the opposing teams' chance of winning. Thanks, Theo. Thanks, Tito. Thanks, Gagme. You all suck. Theo, for trading for him. Tito, for continuing to put him in the game. And Gagne, for costing the Red Sox valuable games in the standings. The Sox are probably 8.5 games up if they don't make any trades.

On a day that had the potential to be a primo nut buster, Gagne pisses on everybody's parade.

Red Sox Runners, Redux

With Lugo and Crisp both reaching 20 stolen bases this year, it's the first time a pair of Red Sox have stolen 20 or more bags in a season since 1968, when Joe Foy and Reggie Smith had 26 and 22 stolen bases, respectively.

George Bush's anal adventures

Cooch: do we need a play by play of bush's anal adventures? http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19872260/

Lavinius: The whole irony in this is Bush saw his polyps before his doctors. :)

7-11 is National Slurpee Day!

Lavinius hereby declares today, July 11th, National Slurpee Day. Go out and enjoy a refreshing one today! My cherry coke slurpee awaits shortly.

And for those fans of the lavinius and cooch diary (all 5 of you, thanks mom and dad), print off this blog entry and receive 25 cents off your 32 oz slurpee! It truly is a deal you can't pass up.

George Carlin quotes

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Lavinius on a recent trip to Mexico

Joshua Patrick Beckett at the all-star break...

W-L: 12-2
ERA: 3.44
WHIP: 1.14
IP: 102
H: 95
ER: 39
HR: 6
BB: 21
SO: 92

That's ma' boy!!!

HALFWAY HOME! Lavinius's First-Half Surprises

Hideki Okajima

I'll be honest, what this guy has done has not only surpassed my expectations, but blew by them at the speed of sound.

We all know Papelbon is as good as money in the 9th inning. Well, the Sox and their fans now have a guy who's as good as money in the 8th inning. His numbers on the year:

2-0, 0.88 ERA, 0.78 WHIP, 41 IP, 22 H, 4 ER, 1 HR, 10 BB, 37 K

And here we thought all the buzz was going to be for the other Japanese signing.

Dustin Pedroia

Nobody has enjoyed the meteoric rise this Sox second baseman has enjoyed over the past two plus months.

On May 1, the little bugger was languishing with a .172 BA and presumably left for dead and questioned by many whether or not he was ready for the big league level.

Since then, he's hit a scorching .371 (62 for 167) to bring his season avg alllllllll the way up to .320. On top of that, his OBP has jumped over 100 points from .294 to .401.

He has emerged as a surprise catalyst for this team and a much-needed one while the team's $9M/year darling dud Julio Lugo tries to break the Mendoza line himself. Pedroia's resurrection from the dead would make Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers proud (not the one in Cooch's profile pic).

Kevin Youkilis

Yooooooooouk! has had a monster first half for the Old Town team and is well on his way to his best single season of his young career. He's always been an on-base machine and this year is proving no exception. He checks in with a .420 mark in that category. But what's more impressive is he's got the high BA to match. His .329 avg is good for 8th in the American League and is currently 50 points higher than his career-best .279 average set last season.

Mike Lowell

Gotta throw him in there simply because of the power numbers. Currently he's on pace for a 23-25 HR season and 105-110 RBI. Not bad for a guy that some deem washed up. If he stays on pace, he'll threaten his second-most productive HR season (27) set in 2004 and his best RBI season (105) set in 2003.

Want more? His .293 avg puts him right at his career best which he achieved in 2004, and the guy is still one of the top doubles hitters in the MLB today. He's on pace for over 40 doubles once again.

Josh Beckett

Gotta throw some love at my Lifetime Mancrush Award. I had a feeling the breakout season was gonna happen this year. And thus far, he has not disappointed. How about 11-2, 3.38 ERA, and a WHIP at a buck-ten? Want more? How about a 4.15 KK/BB ratio? His previous best was a 2.86. How 'bout a 1.88 BB/9 ratio? His previous best was 2.92.

He did come down to earth a little bit in June, but all great pitchers have down months in a six month season, and even with that, it wasn't terrible.

He has a shot along with Dan Haren to be the starter for the AL in the All-Star game.

Julian Tavarez

The hot-tempered SP/RP hybrid has given the team some much-needed stability in the back end of the rotation. He's not going to be in contention for the Cy Young, but he's given the team several quality starts and more often than not has given the Sox a chance to win when he takes the mound.

David Ortiz/Manny Ramirez

Power outage, anyone? 13 HRs from Papi and 11 from Manny wasn't exactly something I was expecting as we close in on the all-star break.

Julio Lugo

I think this about sums it up:

@#%&*%#@!&$%#@

Still wondering why the Sox didn't just re-sign Orlando Cabrera after '04 instead of going through shortstops like Michael Jackson goes through little boys.

J.D. Drew

Didn't like this signing when it happened and hate it even more now. $14M/year should get you more than .257/6/32. If Drew was a dinosaur, he'd be a Flopasaurus.

Alex Cora

I'll end this with Cora simply because I want to go out on a good note. In a perfect world, he'd be in there over Lugo. But, alas, he'll have to settle for being bench guy extraordinaire. Following a .294 hitting May, he plummeted in June like most of the team to .216. But you can't argue the body of work. On the year he's still at a very respectable .282 and seems to come through for the team more often than not when Tito calls his number.

76 games into the 2007 mlb season: cooch's red sox surprises

sox surprises after 76 games...

okajima. seriously. .80 whip and .96 era. 'nuff said.

pedroia. .322 BA with .396 OBP. i thought for sure the sox made a huge mistake letting loretta go. after hitting .191 in a limited sample in 2006 and starting off poorly at the plate, i thought pedroia would be dead weight.

lugo. wasn't expecting great things from this guy to begin with and i think we both questioned this move when the sox made it, but even a career .333 OBP guy w/ a career .270 BA sinking to a .256 OBP and .191 BA is a pretty far dropoff. still not sure why the sox dumped renteria so quick - despite his "bad" season with the sox, he ended up hitting .276, scoring 100 runs, and had 48 extra base hits.

youk. expected a high OBP and average stats all-around, but he's on pace to set all kinds of career highs (albeit a brief career) in impressive fashion. a .419 OBP and the ability to hit in any spot of the lineup has been invaluable for the sox. guy is making next to nothing for salary and is a legitimate all-star. youk is in the top 10 in several mlb batting categories.

kyle snyder. um, he's having a career year - by far. sporting a 2.67 era after 27+ innings in 24 appearences is 2.50 runs better than his best posted era (5.17) in any season.

beckett. we know what he's capable of. but a 3.07 american league era and a 11-1 record? nearly perfect and frontrunner for cy young.

how about a 10 game lead over 2nd place toronto? what, the yanks are 11 games down after 76 games? amazing, given the yankees' payroll hovering around $200mn...

Red Sox, the running team!

From ESPN.com: SS Julio Lugo stole his 14th base Friday night and has not been caught stealing this season. He is the first Boston player to be successful on his first 14 steal attempts since Leon Culbertson in 1943

--

Trivia... Here's a list of Red Sox stolen base leaders, their stolen base totals, and the Red Sox team totals since 1999...

2006 Coco Crisp, 22 (Team Total: 51)
2005 Johnny Damon, 18 (Team Total: 45)
2004 Damon, 19; Jason Varitek, 10 (Team Total: 68)
2003 Damon, 30; Nomar Garciaparra 19; Damian Jackson 16 (Team Total: 88)
2002 Damon, 31 (Team Total: 80)
2001 Carl Everett, 9 (Team Total: 46)
2000 Everett, 11; Darren Lewis, 10 (Team Total: 43)
1999 Jose Offerman, 18; Lewis, 16; Garciaparra, 14 (Team Total: 67)

The Future Home Run King

***Lavinius and Cooch Profile Pics Updated***

Pure comedy folks. Pure comedy. Cooch's photo is especially funny due to his baseball rooting interest.

Check out the photos. Partake in an hour of drinking beforehand for added effect.

That is all for now.

Karma defined

Woman Hitchhiker steals car, kills self

A Canadian hitchhiker, who stole an elderly man's car after he offered her a ride, died a few minutes later when she lost control of the vehicle and crashed into trees, police said.

The crash happened near the town of Hawkesbury -- about 100 km (60 miles) northeast of Ottawa -- after the man stopped to pick up 20-year-old Mandy Deschambeault.

"The male driver proceeded to step out of his vehicle momentarily at which point the female jumped in the driver seat, stealing the male person's car," local police said in a statement Monday.

"She proceeded to lose control of the ... car, crossing the other lane hitting trees. The female was ejected from the vehicle and found to be without vital signs."

Deschambeault was pronounced dead in hospital.

true. true.

Sox go back-to-back-to-back-to-back!

Sox hit 4 consecutive HRs versus the Yankees tonight... It's the first time the Sox ever hit 4 consecutive HRs - and how sweet that they were against our arch rival?

3rd inning... Manny, J.D. Drew, Mike Lowell, and Varitek versus Yankee pitcher Chase Wright.... SWEEEEEEEET!

p.s. It's Terry Francona's birthday!

Pitcher jerks off then throws 5 scoreless innings

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2837771


Yanks' Wang throws hitless, scoreless five innings
Associated


TAMPA, Fla. -- Yankees right-hander Chien-Ming Wang didn't allow a hit over five scoreless innings in an extended spring training game Saturday.

Wang
It was Wang's first outing since he hurt his right hamstring while running on March 23. The 19-game winner last season is scheduled to pitch in another minor league game Thursday -- likely with Class-A Tampa -- and might rejoin the Yankees' rotation for a start April 24 at Tampa Bay.

"He's going to pitch one more time here and then we'll see what happens after that," Yankees vice president Billy Connors said. "He's almost right there."

Pitching against Tampa Bay minor leaguers, Wang struck out six and walked one. He threw 35 of 55 pitches for strikes.

"I thought it was very good for the first time out," Connors said. "He did a great job."

Wang struggled with his control early on, walking one and throwing seven of 14 pitches for balls during the first. He then struck out two in each of the next two innings.

"No problems," Wang said. "I felt stronger [each inning]."

Wang will play catch Sunday and is scheduled to have a bullpen session Monday.

Sox Trivia: Wakefield's Service...

RHP Tim Wakefield, who went six innings in his first start Friday, has pitched in 13 consecutive seasons for Boston, matching Bob Stanley (1977-89) and Roger Clemens (1984-96) for the most in team history by pitchers. The only position players with at least 13 years of continuous service in Boston are Carl Yastrzemski (23), Dwight Evans (19) and Jim Rice (16).

Baseball in Maine...

Portland Sea Dogs' season opener postponed due to snow...

One of the coolest names.... Ever....

Who'da guessed this was a black baby?!

birth certificate

R.I.P. D.J.

Former Celtics great Johnson dies at 52
Associated Press Posted

Dennis Johnson, the star NBA guard who was part of three championship teams and combined with Larry Bird in one of the great postseason plays, died Thursday after collapsing at the end of practice while coaching a developmental team. He was 52.

Johnson, coach of the Austin Toros, was unconscious and in cardiac arrest when paramedics arrived at Austin Convention Center, said Warren Hassinger, spokesman for Austin-Travis County Emergency Medical Services.

Paramedics tried to resuscitate him for 23 minutes before he was taken to a hospital and pronounced dead, Hassinger added. Mayra Freeman, a spokeswoman for the medical examiner's office, said there will be autopsy.

The Toros postponed home games Friday and Saturday nights, the NBA Development League said.

Johnson, a five-time All-Star and one of the top defensive guards, was part of the last Boston Celtics dynasty. He spent 14 seasons in the league and retired after the 1989-90 season. He played on title teams with the Celtics in 1984 and 1986 and with the Seattle SuperSonics in 1979, when he was the NBA finals MVP.

"Whether he was leading his teams to NBA championships or teaching young men the meaning of professionalism, Dennis Johnson's contributions to the game went far beyond the basketball court," NBA commissioner David Stern said. "Dennis was a man of extraordinary character with a tremendous passion for the game."

Johnson was a favorite teammate of Bird's, and the two were part of one of the most memorable plays in Celtics history.

During the fifth game of the 1987 Eastern Conference finals against Detroit, Bird stole Isiah Thomas' inbounds pass under Boston's basket and fed Johnson, who drove in for the winning layup. Boston won the series in seven games but lost to the Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA finals.

"Dennis was a great player, one of the best teammates I ever had, and a wonderful person," said Bird, now president of the Indiana Pacers. "My thoughts and condolences are with his family at this difficult time."

Bill Laimbeer, the center on that Pistons team, remembered Johnson as a "great player on a great ballclub." "He played with passion and grit," Laimbeer said. "It was fun to play games like that. You always enjoyed it. It made for not only great games, but great entertainment."

In the 1984 finals, Johnson guarded Magic Johnson effectively in the last four games. In 1985, he hit a last-second jumper against Los Angeles that won the fourth game. In 1986, he was part of a team that featured four Hall of Famers - Bird, Kevin McHale, Robert Parish and Bill Walton.
Johnson had a reputation for delivering in big games.

"I hate to lose," he once said. "I accept it when it comes, but I still hate it. That's the way I am." He averaged 14.1 points and 5.0 assists for his career. When he retired, he was the 11th player in NBA history to total 15,000 points and 5,000 assists. Johnson made one all-NBA first team and one second team. Six times he made the all-defensive first team, including five consecutive seasons (1979-83).

Johnson was born Sept. 18, 1954, in Compton, Calif. He played in college at Pepperdine and was drafted by Seattle in 1976. Johnson was traded to Phoenix in 1980 and Boston in 1983.

Get off the plane!

RIP Anna Nicole

From all of us at the Lavinius and Cooch blogspot...

Breast In Peace

that's a lovely scarf, saddam....

what a nice way to ring in the new year!

Saddam Hussein executed, ending era in Iraq
Iraqis cheer after deposed dictator hanged for 148 Shiite deaths in 1982

NBC News and news services

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Saddam Hussein struggled briefly after American military guards handed him over to Iraqi executioners before dawn Saturday. But as his final moments approached and masked executioners slipped a black cloth and noose around his neck, he grew calm.

In a final moment of defiance, he refused a hood to cover his eyes.

Hours after Saddam faced the same fate he was accused of inflicting on countless thousands during a quarter-century of ruthless power, Iraqi state television showed grainy video of what it said was his body, the head uncovered and the neck twisted at a sharp angle.

[rest of story]

The Official Lavinius "State of the Nation" Address

The starting nine as presently constituted, and likely go into the season with:

Lugo
Youk
Papi
Manny
Drew
Lowell
Tek
Pedroia
Crisp

Good speed and OBP at the top
Outstanding power bats/OBP in the middle
Solid 6 hitter, declining but serviceable #7 hitter
Unproven yet promising #8 hitter
Well above avg #9 hitter

I have Coco 9th because I want him back to back with Lugo. Them hitting back to back allows the Sox to do some things on the bases (double steal, hit and run, better chance of going from 1st to 3rd on a single, essentially be more aggressive on the basepaths). Pedroia's production (or lack thereof) in the 8 hole will dictate whether or not he's more suited for the 8 or 9 hole. Preferably, I'd like to see the two speedsters hitting back to back.

The starting rotation is looking like this (assuming we don't whiff on a closer and Papelbon isn't moved back there):

Schilling
Dice-K
Beckett
Papelbon
Wakefield

That's as solid a starting five as you're gonna get. Look for Lester to be integrated into this rotation as well as the season progresses, giving the team six above average starters in their respective spots in the rotation.

A quick aside-- I watched some video clips of Dice-K last night both in Japan and in the WBC. He was extremely impressive. I loved his mound demeanor (very Pedro-esque in that respect). He's portrays a very calm like confidence giving off the aura that he's in charge. I love seeing that out of pitchers. He has a fastball that gets up into the mid 90's that he's able to throw by hitters consistently. He loves burying that fastball on the inside corner to right handed hitters. He's very effective doing that.

Offsetting the fastball is an 80 mph screwball/gyro ball that seems to fall off the table. It has the illusion of a knee/waist high strike, then at the very last second falls off the table.

He also mixed in a slider and a change-up, giving him four effective pitches.

Performance wise, he was as good as it gets in Japan. Probably the best pitcher in Japan during his time there. In his final season there, he was 17-5 with a 2.13 ERA. In 186.1 innings, he struck out 200 while walking just 34!
Did I mention 14 complete games?

He dominated the WBC too, taking home the MVP honors there. He went 3-0 with a 1.38 ERA en route to leading Japan to the title.

He finished his Japanese baseball career with a 108-60 record with a 2.95 ERA and 1.17 WHIP in eight seasons.
Basically, he's dominated at every level he's pitched at. The big leagues is the next logical step.

He will have to overcome a few obstacles, however. In Japan, he pitched on six days of rest. Over here he's gonna have to pitch on five. Will he make the transition? My guess is yes. Don't look for him to tally 14 complete games, however. :)

As for the other starters, I expect Curt to go out on a positive note. I'd look for 15+ wins out of him. Beckett's second season in the AL should be an improvement over his first. I wouldn't expect a 5+ ERA again.

Papelbon is conditioning his arm for 150+ innings of work, and it'll be better for his shoulder/arm to pitch every fifth day as opposed to 2-3 times/week as a closer. I'd only advocate a move back to the closer's role this year should we whiff on acquiring a featured closer this offseason.

Wakefield as a #5 might be the best #5 in baseball. He's always a lock for double digit wins. You won't find many #5s that win ya 10+ games with an ERA in the low to mid 4's.

Now, where things get dicey is the 'pen. Okajima I think can be a decent arm for us both in short inning work and as a lefty specialist. He might even emerge as the featured set-up guy on this team. With 681 K's in 642 innings over in Japan, he's proven his worth as a K pitcher. Look for him to get some situational work, and if successful, will see increased work as a short inning man and set up guy.

Timlin? I'd look for him to receive the primary set-up duties. We know what we get out of him: solid, unspectacular ball. Probably below average as far as set-up men goes; certainly below average for a set-up man on a playoff team to be sure. I'd like to see him more in a 7th inning role and us go out and get a guy in the Scot Shields/Brandon Donnely mold.

Delcarmen is a good young arm in our 'pen; more polished than Hansen at their respective stages of their careers. I look for him to see more high leverage situations in '07. Last year, he had a decent K to BB ratio of 45/17 (close to 3 to 1) in 53.1 innings. His 68 hits allowed over that time is a bit high for my blood. He must get that number down if he's going to emerge as a 7th inning go-to guy for us. Natural maturation will help there.

A sleeper in the group could be Devern Hansack. He posted impressive numbers last year, albeit with a small sample size. In 10 innings, he posted a 8 to 1 K/BB ratio, accompanied by a WHIP of 0.70 and a BAA of .171. Very good numbers that certainly warrant a further look. I would like to see him get a shot in our 'pen to see if he can build off last year's numbers.

As for Hansen, he might have the greatest upside in our 'pen, but he needs more seasoning. In order to be an effective reliever at this level, he needs a dominant offspeed pitch to offset his fastball. I heard Francona say something in a press conference I thought rang true: "it doesn't matter if you throw 1000 mph...if it's straight, it's gonna get turned around." That was the case with Hansen last year. If he wants to transition into the future closer of this team, he needs to command at least one other pitch, preferably of the off-speed variety.

Outside of that, this team needs a closer. Where will it come from? Will we trade away a Murphy, Ellsbury, WMP, or somebody of that ilk to acquire one? You'd hate to see this season go into the tank because of an inability to hold a 8th/9th inning lead. To me, I do whatever I can to get a featured closer in here, whether it's Cordero (WASH), Gonzalez, (PITT), or somebody of a similar caliber, but this team must go into the season with a featured closer. I don't want to go through April-June with a shaky closer, fall X amount of games behind the Yankees as a result, and be forced to acquire one at the deadline. Ideally, I'd like to get our closer now. And again, Papelbon would be a "last resort" kind of thing.

Well, that's my state of the team. I really believe we have the offense and the starting pitching to win it all. The big question marks will be the defense and the bullpen. Hopefully the front office will be just as diligent repairing those areas of the team as it was repairing the right field/#5 hitter, SS, and front end starting pitcher holes.

The "Big Man" to Run for President in 2008

This is my type of candidate!

----

Fuck the democrats in the ear. Piss on the republicans. They’re two sides of the same fuckin’ coin. The Big Man has no use for any of them cocksucking crooks in down there in Washington. The only things politicians give a shit about is lining their own pockets and getting their fat, thieving asses re-elected. I mean, sweet limping Jesus, look at the freak show we got on tap for 2008:

Is the suspense killing you?

i think they're referring to the "pipeline" service...

"russian spy poisoned - try it free." uh, i'll pass on this deal, as tempting as it seems... found on cnn.com today...

Frito-Lay Angrily Introduces Line Of Healthy Snacks

November 7, 2006

PLANO, TX—With the recent trend of wholesome snack foods reaching "truly ridiculous proportions," Frito-Lay announced Monday that it would, against its better judgment, roll out a new line of healthy fruit-and-vegetable-based chips next February.
Frito Lay R

"Here," said Frito-Lay CEO Al Carey as he disgustedly tossed a bag of the company's new Flat Earth-brand snack crisps onto the lectern during a meeting with shareholders and members of the press. "Here's some shit that's made from beets. I hope you're all happy now that you have your precious beet chips with the recommended daily serving of fruit, or vegetables, or whatever the hell a 'beet' is."

"Mmm, dehydrated bulb things," Carey added. "Sounds delicious."

Carey appeared visibly appalled as Frito-Lay employees distributed Flat Earth snack samples to the audience.

"God help us all, would you look at these flavors," said Carey, gesturing toward a display showcasing the several varieties of Flat Earth chips, including Kauliflower Krunch, Raisins 'N Chives, Cranberry Spinach Explosion, Rutabaga Yum, Tofu Snaps, Eggplant Ecstasy, Broccoloroos, and Watercress. "Look at what you've reduced us to."
Enlarge ImageFrito Lay Jump R

Frito-Lay delivery people drop off a "bunch of bullshit to some pricks somewhere."

"Weren't Sun Chips healthy enough for you, you goddamn hippie bastards?" Carey added.

Frito-Lay spokeswoman Lisa Greeley, who said that the company made a commitment in 2004 to develop a healthier line of snacks but "never thought it would actually come to this," described the Flat Earth brand as "tailor-made for the small, vocal minority of health-conscious consumers who apparently can't just be content with salads, bananas, apples, or any of the literally thousands of fruits and vegetables already widely available."

"Our new veggie snacks combine the zesty tang of parsnip, the most mouthwatering root vegetable out there, with the bold flavor of, let's say, jute?" said Greeley before reluctantly bringing a Turnips 'N Radish chip to her mouth and forcing down a full bite. "It's a brand-new taste sensation unlike anything you've ever experienced, unless you've ever eaten sisal twine."

According to Frito-Lay's website, the new snacks contain one-third of the fat, one-half of the calories, and one-1,000th of the irresistible flavor of Frito-Lay's classic line of potato and corn chips. The presence of trans-fats and saturated oils is avoided by employing a cooking process "strikingly similar to the method used to create particle board." Serving suggestions that will be printed on the packaging include "definitely not adding any salt or seasoning, because then you might die"; dipping the chips in "delicious plain yogurt, lettuce paste, or other ground-up Flat Earth products"; and enhancing the flavor by replacing the chip in your hand with a Hot'n Spicy BBQ chip.

In January, Frito-Lay will launch a Flat Earth marketing campaign based on the slogan, "Bet You Can't Eat Even One." Surprisingly, however, the company is also in talks with distributors to ensure that Flat Earth snacks are installed in every school vending machine in the country.

"Oh, they're definitely going in the vending machines," Carey said. "Everyone's going to share in this misery, not just a handful of Naderites with spastic colons or loser kids with no taste buds whose parents want them to grow up to be boring milquetoasts afraid to have any fun. And don't think we haven't forgotten you either, office workers on snack breaks and anyone who wants to serve a big bowl of disappointment at a cocktail party."

"If this is what you want, America, fine," Carey continued. "But if you don't like them, then you can suck my fucking dick, because this is it—no more veggie crisps after this. None. You hear me? None."

"You're all gonna die eventually, anyway," Carey added. "Might as well be eating Cool Ranch Doritos with cheese dip when you go."

Frito-Lay is now considering discontinuing its traditional snack line and focusing entirely on chickpeas and sprouts, since, according to Carey, Americans "are so scared of getting fat, and are clearly no longer interested in good-tasting food."

"You all disgust me," said Carey, who then kicked over the Flat Earth display and stormed out of the room.

Sayonara Saddam!

Saddam sentenced to death by hanging

Shiites, Kurds celebrate upon hearing court's guilty verdict

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Iraq's High Tribunal on Sunday found Saddam Hussein guilty of crimes against humanity and sentenced him to hang for the 1982 killing of 148 Shiites in the city of Dujail. The visibly shaken former leader shouted "God is great!"

Saddam's half brother and former intelligence chief Barzan Ibrahim, and Awad Hamed al-Bandar, head of the former Revolutionary Court, were sentenced to join Saddam on the gallows for the Dujail killings after an unsuccessful assassination attempt during a Saddam visit to the city 35 miles north of Baghdad.

The death sentences automatically go to a nine-judge appeals panel which as unlimited time to review the case. If the verdicts and sentences are upheld, the executions must be carried out within 30 days.

(full story)

Police arrest naked man with concealed weapon...

Police arrest naked man after he allegedly said he had a tool in his rectum

• Abramoff pal highlights Burns staff’s handouts • DNA evidence clears man in 1981 rape case • White House accused of stalling hunger report • Small coral replacing big ones, scientist warns • Medicare reimbursement rates cut 5 percent • Most viewed on MSNBC.com

• ‘You can’t get much more concealed than that’ • Pucker up and pee? • Papers sold to military: ‘Rumsfeld must go’ • Bush owes troops an apology, not Kerry • Germs on a plane: Can you get sick flying? • Most viewed on MSNBC.com

Updated: 5:21 a.m. ET Nov 4, 2006

EL CERRITO, Calif. - A man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after police found him outdoors — naked — and he told them he had a tool in his rectum, authorities said.

The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path, near a Bay Area Rapid Transit station Thursday, police said.

John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburg, was initially arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure. But when asked whether he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned the tool, said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan.

(full story)

Who Would Name their Son This? I mean seriously

East Ill.

This woman can eat nails and shit lightning!

(well...at least the second part)

A WOMAN has suffered severe burning to her anus after being struck by lightning which hit her in the mouth and passed right through her body.

Natasha Timarovic, 27, was cleaning her teeth at in her home in the Croatian city of Zadar when lightning struck the building.

She said: "I had just put my mouth under the tap to rinse away the toothpaste when the lightning must have struck the building.

"I don't remember much after that, but I was later told that the lightning had travelled down the water pipe and struck me on the mouth, passing through my body.

...the rest

Redskins player not happy with Madden game rating...

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98...


read the rest here

Cory Lidle, Rest in Peace

Course, as a Yankees hater, I'd prefer to remember Lidle from his days in Oakland. He was a serviceable pitcher that could play various pitching roles, and not a bad word could be heard from him or about him.

Class. He just had class.

Bud Selig noted, "Cory was only 34 years old and had played in the Major Leagues for nine seasons with seven different clubs. He leaves a young wife, Melanie, and a young son, Christopher. Our hearts go out to them on this terrible day."

More Turtle porn...

http://www.dump.com/crvse/

Turtle rape caught on tape

This is me if I'm ever reincarnated as a turtle

what do you call a group of millionaires watching the ALCS and World Series at home?

the new york yankees!

bwahahhahahahahhaaa. go detroit!

Week 5 NFL Picks

BAL +4
GB +3
KC -3 (BUY 1/2)

Week 4 NFL Picks

SAINTS +7

Saints coming off emotional win and Carolina looking to get Steve Smith lots of action, so logic would be a play on the Panthers. Pure value play here as the road team has won the last 9 ATS in this series.

true. true.

i hope my girlfriend doesn't find out... ;)

Something to wash that down with, sir?

This image provided by the Direction of Penal Centers of El Salvador shows an x-ray taken of one of four prisoners at a maximum security Salvadoran prison in Zacatecoluca, 35 miles southeast of the capital of El Salvador. Four cellular telephones were found in the intestines of as many prisoners in El Salvador's maximum-security prison, authorities said Wednesday, Sept. 6, 2006. The discovery happened Tuesday at the prison in Zacatecoluca after suspicious prison officials took x-rays of each of the prisoners, prison spokesman Jaime Villanova said.

Cooch: "Hanley will be the equivalent of Alex Cora"

Wow...pass me some of what you're smoking.

Hanley in his first full season in the bigs, at age 22:
.279, 13 HR, 49 RBI, 35 doubles, 10 triples, 44 SBs, 105 runs

Just in comparison, Cora's most productive year in the bigs:
.264, 10 HR, 47 RBI, 9 doubles, 4 triples, 3 SBs, 47 runs

and his next best season, comparatively speaking:
.249, 4 HR, 34 RBI, 24 doubles, 3 triples, 4 SBs, 39 runs

Hanley the equivalent of Cora? At age 22, Hanley has already surpassed Cora's best big league season. Where's the basis for that kind of thinking?

There's absolutely no reason to believe Hanley can't get better. With a normal progression curve, he should be one of the top SS's in the league for years to come, with a few all-star appearances in his future.

pagan, anyone?

i can't vouch for its accuracy, but an interesting point nonetheless...

book your world series tickets now red sox fans!!!

but, it will likely be the yankees vs. whomever in the NL...

BOSTON -- The Boston Red Sox obtained right-hander Kevin Jarvis from Arizona for a player to be named or cash and assigned him to Triple-A Pawtucket on Thursday night.

The 37-year-old Jarvis was 0-1 with an 11.91 ERA in five games with the Diamondbacks this season and joins his 10th major-league organization. In his major-league career, he is 34-48 with a 6.05 ERA in 183 appearances.

In 15 games, 13 of them starts, with Triple-A Tucson this year Jarvis was 3-6 with a 3.44 ERA.

---

seriously, sox, when is it time to stop gambling on has-been/never-will-be pitchers with 6.00+ ERAs?

Red Sox Announce a 2-man rotation

With Wakefield and Clement on the shelf, 22-year-old Jon Lester in a hospital being tested for cancer, and Wells off to San Diego in an extra heavy duty plane used to transport elephants, the Sox are in a world of shit without any toilet paper.

Yep-- it's desperation time in Boston. They are all but out of the division race. They are hanging on by dental floss in the wild card race. Desperate times call for desperate measures-- which is why the Red Sox announced they are going with a rotation of Schilling and Beckett the rest of the way.

"As much as Tavarez, Snyder, Jason Johnson, and a pitching dummy are viable pitching options-- we've decided to go with a two-man rotation of Schilling and Beckett the rest of the way" , Red Sox manager Terry Francona said at an impromptu press conference yesterday following the Sox 6-4 win over Toronto.

"We're taking this shit back to the old school", said an exacerbated Theo Epstein. Fuck SABERMETRICS, fuck lefty/righty splits, fuck home/away ERA, fuck it all. I've had it with this shit. If we're gonna get back in this race, we gotta pull out all the fucking stops. If that means going unconventional on people's asses, then that's what we gonna do. Word to your mom."

The rotation for the coming days looks like this:

Friday 9/1: it will be Josh Beckett facing off against Ted Lilly
Saturday 9/2: Curt Schilling will be opposed by AJ Burnett
Sunday 9.3: Josh Beckett will be back on the rubber to face Gustavo Chacin
Monday 9/4: a well rested Curt Schilling faces a big test against Chisox ace Jon Garland

Selected seats are still available. Those with leftover ice in your finished soft drinks are encouraged to drop it off at the kiosks conveniently located next to the Red Sox dugout.

is this the pawsox or the red sox?

check out last night's starting lineup:

coco crisp, cf
alex coro, ss
mark loretta, dh (dh???)
kevin youkilis, lf (cleanup? in left field?)
erik hinske, rf
mike lowell, 3b
javy lopez, c
carlos pena, 1b
dustin pedroia, 2b

It's the Most Shittiful Time of the Year...

Nine months out of the year-- there is no place I'd rather live than south Florida. But the remaining three months or so-- I do a complete one muh'fuckin eighty. Why? Hurricane season! And I'm not talking about the local college football team.

From August to October-- south Floridians are keeping close tabs on the weather. We're looking for those developing storms off the coast of Africa or the eastern Carribean. We're looking at projected paths and storm intensity-- and if that sumbitch is forecasted to come anywhere near south Florida, everybody scurries to the gas station and the local supermarkets. We're talking about gas lines that go on forever. If you can get to the pump in under 20 minutes, consider yourself lucky. If you can get through the checkout counter at the supermarket in under 20 minutes, consider yourself lucky. In any event, it's a damn free-for-all...

The first storm to hit south Florida this year was Ernesto. It was projected to be a category 1 storm, but fortunately was only a tropical storm. Turned out to be one big fakeout. Just got a bunch of rain dumped on us and that was it. But after last year, I ain't taking any chances. Hurricane Wilma was supposed to only be a cat 1 storm. Instead, it was a cat 3 and it blew my damn upstairs window out in my memorabilia room. So for three hours or so, I had 100+ mph gusts blowing inside that room. I literally had to take pictures-- some of which very valuable, off my wall while category 3 wind gusts blew inside the room. There was still jagged pieces of glass left in the window from where it blew out-- so I could have very easily been hit by one of those pieces. But I didn't care. I had far too many valuables in that room-- and I had to remove them as fast and as safely as I could.

It was a scary experience to say the least. Never would I have dreamed that a hurricane could blow out my window like that. Call it ignorance-- but I'm about 4 miles west of the ocean in a thickly settled neighborhood. Thought I had sufficient wind-breakers in the adjoining and nearby houses-- but I was sadly mistaken. When it was all said and done-- it cost me about $2,500 to repair everything wrong with the house. We're talking broken window, paint job, pressure cleaning, my screened-in porch which was torn to shreds at the roof, the awning that hangs over my guestroom window above the garage. It was crazy...borderline surreal.

In short, what I'm getting at is, you just can't take chances during hurricane season. You gotta be prepared. My thinking is, I'd rather be prepared and be wrong than not be prepared and be wrong. And what's the worst that can happen? You have some extra soup and baked beans in the cupboard. BFD.

Hopefully this year's hurricane season is a lot more docile than last year's. I'm in the process of getting impact (hurricane) windows installed for every room in the hizzy. I thought about putting up hurricane shutters-- but the sunlight from outside means too much to me-- and well, I'd rather not live in a cave. I'll take impact windows, thank you very much.

In the meantime, you northern folks enjoy it. Come winter time when you're freezing your balls or tits off in a below zero wind chill-- you wish you were down in the Sunshine State. But I ain't gonna lie-- I wish I was in New England right now. It's a great place to be in the summer time. Someday I'd like to live up there seasonally-- spend maybe 3-4 months there and the rest of the time in Florida. Someday...

It's all in the pronounciation Part II

whorepresents.com
expertsexchange.com
therapistfinder.com
powergenitalia.com
molestationnursery.com
ipanywhere.com
cummingfirst.com
speedofart.com
gotahoe.com

credit: canestime.com

it's all in the way you pronounce it....

porn site?

www.penisland.net

The TV Deal the NBA Wishes It Had Not Made

Brothers Ozzie and Dan Silna, co-owners of the long-forgotten ABA team, the Spirits of St. Louis make $24 million a year and haven't had a team in 30 years.

---

Roughly once a month, the NBA cuts 31 checks to NBA teams as revenue from its multibillion-dollar national television contract.

There are only 30 NBA franchises, so who gets the extra check?

The money goes to brothers Ozzie and Dan Silna, co-owners of the long-forgotten ABA team, the Spirits of St. Louis.

Thirty years ago, Ozzie Silna, with attorney Donald Schupak, negotiated a deal that cleared the way for the ABA to merge with the NBA. It ranks as one of the best sports deals in modern times, one that has paid the Silnas about $168 million and continues to pay off.

(full story)

Lavinius with Miami Hurricanes cheerleaders

One of the crowning moments of my life. :)
(I'm the one on the right)

Sox set MLB record for errorless games

MIAMI - The Boston Red Sox saw their record streak of error-free games end Saturday, when catcher Doug Mirabelli's throw to second base sailed into center field in the first inning against the Florida Marlins.

It was Boston's first error in 18 games; the 17-game run of perfect defense was one more than the previous best in major league history, set by the 1992 St. Louis Cardinals.

[full stizzory here]

Fear of...pickles?

Girl on Maury Povich is terrified to the bone of pickles! We're not talking snakes, or spiders, or even the dark. We talkin' PICKLES!

Picklephobia

Phillies' Myers charged with hitting wife

BOSTON (AP) - Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Brett Myers was arrested Friday and charged with hitting his wife in the face on a street not far from Fenway Park.

The team's best starter, who was scheduled to pitch Saturday against the Red Sox, pleaded not guilty to assault charges at his arraignment Friday in Boston Municipal Court, said David Procopio, a spokesman for the Suffolk County District Attorney's office. Myers' next court date is Aug. 4.

full story

...

My guess: like most other battered women, she probably "just doesn't listen."

Shit. That's bad... Just kidding, really... Myers plead not guilty to the charges.

where are they now? paxton crawford, pitcher/steroid user

paxton crawford, after 10 seasons of minor league ball (only 15 games in the mlb with the red sox), called it quits and is now working at the family farm in arkansas.

crawford has recently admitted to using steroids in the minors prior to his promotion to the sox in 2001, and used HGH during his brief mlb stay. crawford was nothing better than average, finally realizing that life in the independent league and AA-ball wasn't his, errr, beef. good luck on the family farm, crawford. your 15 games with the sox will never be forgotten. (ahhhh, who is paxton crawford?)

a couple of red sox rarities...

1. tim wakefield actually got some run support tonight. the sox put up 8 early runs, while wakes only gave up a penny en route to a victory... box score ... in wake's 8 losses, the sox have scored a total of 6 runs!

2. alex cora, after a 3-3 performance, is now hitting .304 and sports a .396 OBP (see box score link above) - obviously, he will not continue the pace, but when's the last time that you could say cora was an offensive machine? my props to cora for being solid all season...

Best Porn Movies

Batman and Throbbin'
Forrest Hump
Filthy Lil' Pornabees
The Da Vinci Load
The Hunt for Pink October
Romancing the Bone
Yank My Noodle It's A Dandy
Some Like It Wet
2069: A Space Orgasm (featuring the immortal line, "Open my pod bay doors, Hal!" The sequel, "3069: The Year We Make Cuntact", wasn't as good.)
Cool Hand-Job Luke
Poonstruck
The French Tickler Connection
Five Easy Pieces (they didn't even have to change the title!)
Rambone
Splatman
Orgazmo
Weapons of Ass Destruction (WADs)
Hung WANKENSTEIN
Sperms of Endearment
Yo Quiero Taco Smell
Grand Theft Anal

from my homies at Canestime

In desperate need of a third starter, Theo calls Marlins GM Larry Beinfest asking about Dontrelle Willis

Theo: (*hits up Larry Beinfest on speed dial*)

(*ring*, *ring*)

Beinfest: (*looks at caller ID*)

Beinfest: (*picks up phone*) Yo, Theo! Why am I not shocked to be hearing from you?

Theo: I don't know, why aren't you?

Beinfest: Uh, Theo, that was a rhetorical question.

Theo: (*long pause*) Uh, yeah, I knew that.

Beinfest: Anyway, you interested in stealing some more of my players...I mean making a trade?

Theo: Yeah Larry. We're interested in Dontrelle.

Beinfest: He's off the market.

Theo: (under breath) I heard that one before. (/under breath)

Beinfest: What was that?

Theo: Oh, nothing.

Beinfest: We have no interest in trading Dontrelle.
(under breath) Geez isn't Beckett enough? Fuck take Josh Johnson and Scott Olsen while you're at it. (/under breath)

Theo: No, obviously Beckett is not enough otherwise I wouldn't be calling you again.

Beinfest: Geez Theo, can't you let us enjoy the few players we have left
worth a wet turd in peace?

Theo: Sorry, can't do that. In case you haven't noticed, we're trying to beat the Yankees here. Unlike you we're actually *trying* to win.

Beinfest: Hey go fuck yourself you Cooch guitar playing wannabee!

Theo: Look, this is gay. Just tell me what you'd want for Dontrelle if he were on the market.

Beinfest: Well, Jon Lester is a good starting point.

Theo: Okay, who else?

Beinfest: And Hansen.

Theo: (under breath) shit (/under breath)

Beinfest: I'm sorry?

Theo: (disgusted) Lester and Hansen? (/disgusted)

Beinfest: Yup

Theo: You gotta be fucking shitting me

Beinfest: Dude, we're not gonna just *give* a 20 game winner who was second in the Cy Young voting last year and is just 23 years old making shiznit for a salary...away for free.

Theo: (*sigh*) Fine, let me sleep on it, ok?

Beinfest: Do what chu gotta do, Epstine (the "stine" pronounced like "wine")

Theo: Peace out Larry

Beinfest: Hey, thanks for Hanley!!!

Beinfest: (*click*)

Theo: (under breath) motherfucker... (/underbreath)

Theo: (*click*)

Check out this erection

RIP Ironhead

One of the first things I thought of upon hearing the news of his death was his Zest body wash commercial from the late 90's. Here's one dude's funny attempt at re-creating it:

Trivia...

Dontrelle Willis is 1-6 in 11 starts this season after winning 22 games in 2005. Only three pitchers in the divisional-play era (1969 to date) won no more than one of their first 11 starts in a season after winning 20 or more games the year before: Jim Merritt, who was 20-12 for the Reds in 1970 but 0-9 in his first 11 starts in 1971; Mike Krukow, who was 20-9 for the Giants in 1986, then 1-5 in his first 11 starts in 1987; and Jose Lima, who was 21-10 for Houston in 1999 and 1-7 in his first 11 starts in 2000.

---

The Tigers beat the Indians 3-1 for their 15th win in their last 16 games. The Tigers won 15 times over a 16-game stretch in only two other seasons: 1911 and 1984.

the sox' best defensive team, ever?

BY THE NUMBERS: 12 -- Boston's total number of errors through 38 games, fewest in the majors. It is the fewest number of errors the Red Sox made through 38 games since 1960, the first year defensive statistics were tracked game-by-game.

Baseball player traded for Beer

05/01/2006 Schaumburg Assigned the contract of RHP Nigel Thatch (Rookie) to Fullerton of the Golden Baseball League in exchange for 1 pallet (60 cases) of Budweiser beer.

And to think we used to joke about these hypothetical trades

Ricky Vaughn reincarnate!

Papelbon on pace for 81 saves...

When's the last time a Sox closer had 7 saves this early in the season?

This morning at 1:02 and three seconds

it was 1:02:03 04-05-06

:)

I Don't Heart Huckaby

With 3 past balls in his first game catching Wakefield, Josh Bard really didn't impress anyone. In fact, I wonder how long it would take the Sox to recall Ken Huckaby for "Wakefield-duties." It's one thing if Bard could actually contribute some offense, but his .237 lifetime BA and .288 career OBP says otherwise (157 games over 4 seasons). Unfortunately, Huckaby's numbers are worse (.223/.256 in 153 games).

The impact of Mirabelli's absence won't be known until the end of the season, but the most past balls Mirabelli let up in a season (40+ games started) was 15. Bard might hit that by mid-May.

I heart Mirabelli.

Red Sox '06 Opening Day: Sox vs. Rangers at Ameriquest Field in Arlington

Trivia: When's the last time the Red Sox opened the season at home?

Red Sox '05 Opening Day Lineup:
--------------------------------------
Johnny Damon, CF
Edgar Renteria, SS
Manny Ramirez, LF
David Ortiz, DH
Kevin Millar, 1B
Jason Varitek, C
Jay Payton, RF
Bill Mueller, 3B
Mark Bellhorn, 2B

David Wells, SP


Red Sox '06 Opening Day Lineup:
--------------------------------------
Covelli "Coco" Crisp, CF
Mark Loretta, 2B
Manny Ramirez, LF
David Ortiz, DH
Trot Nixon, RF
Jason Varitek, C
Mike Lowell, 3B
Kevin Youkilis, 1B
Alex Gonzalez, SS

Curt Schilling, SP

Howard Stern pranks Korean 'clock' repair shop

I think you can see where this is gonna go

Tavarez packs a mean right hook... for a pitcher.

One thing you can't deny - Julian Tavarez isn't afraid to throw a right hook, whether it's to the clubhouse phone or to a charging Joey Gathright. Tavarez looked a wee bit like a young Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini as he unloaded on Gathright in March 27th's game against the Devil Rays.

From the Boston Herald:

“It’s the kind of person I am,” said Tavarez, who signed a two-year, $6.7-million contract on Jan. 18...

[On a play at home plate] Tavarez stepped on Gathright’s right forearm and the runner reacted with a shout while pushing the pitcher’s leg off. As he sprang to his feet, however, Tavarez threw a punch that glanced off Gathright’s chin, setting off the melee.
Tavarez then shoved his glove in Gathright’s face and threw another punch that glanced off the top of his head.

[full story]


For those scoring at home (unofficial boxing results):
Tavarez: 3
Gathright: 0

Back from Detroit

Here are a couple pics from the Heat/Pistons game on Wednesday 3/22. I'll try to add more as time goes by...

Trot Nixon next Sox casualty?

With the recent push of outfielder acquisitions, we'd have to assume that the Sox are making moves to rid themselves of the oft-injured Trot Nixon?

So much for hometown discounts...

Poor Arroyo.

Guy absolutely loved Boston. He could have signed with another team for more money as a free agent this offseason, but instead, took a hometown discount to stay with the Red Sox. Then he gets raked in spring training and subsequently chewed out by Cooch in the blog. And how does he gets rewarded? By the Red Sox shipping his ass out of town. Guess it's safe to say there won't be any hometown discounts to stay in Boston anytime soon. Ouch! When they say baseball is a "business", they ain't lying.

Red Sox Acquire Wily Mo Pena from the Reds for Bronson Arroyo

Arroyo in midseason form...

Arroyo's getting battered in spring training (no pun intended). Terrible's not really the right word to describe his pitching performances so far. After his third straight horrendous outing, Arroyo reflected, "I guess I was missing the location."

If Washington state were the location, Arroyo's in fucking Iraq.

story

From the "Don't Try This at Home" files...

What prompts people to do isht like this I'll never know...

OUCH

Chuck Norris reads "facts" about himself on TV

LMFAO!

Lavinius' text message exchange w/ girlfriend...

(from 3/8/06 before Lavinius went up to Jupiter, FL to take in a Red Sox/Marlins spring training game...)

Leslie: Hey! Another super busy day and I am exhausted already! Have fun in Mars! ;) 143

Lavinius: I'd have much more fun in Uranus. :)

Leslie: Oh u are bad! I love u :)

Rest In Peace Kirby!

Why You Shouldn't Use Your Cell in a Public Bathroom

Copied from another website. This is fucking gross...

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over 48 hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of ass cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for the wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:

1. Occupied.
2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
3. isht smeared on seat.
4. isht salad and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5. No toilet paper, no stall door, something growing near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped the trousers and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the ch4f's salady day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My ass let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:

(1) The next-door conversation had ceased;
(2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and
(3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up...in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids...love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My isht-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my shamefulness to my anonymous isht-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to isht in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in a bathroom. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

P.S. No this isn't me. I don't think I could be so articulate about my bowel movements. Thanks to Dave for this post on his Xanga.

Separated at birth?