"Pottery" Buchholz wins major league debut; Gagne taints the day

On this date of August 17 in the year 2007, Clay "Pottery" Buchholz (aka Mancrush V.2) made his big league debut for the Red Sox against American League power the LA Angels of Anaheim. This came after much poking and prodding on Lavinius' behalf to get this kid to the majors.

Several keystrokes later, Lavinius' efforts proved fruitful. Clay got the call-up, and Lavinius was a happy man.

As luck would have it, Lavinius would be out of his homestead for this milestone event as he was at Tire Kingdom getting his tires balanced. While waiting for the tire balancing to conclude, he consulted his good friend Cooch via text messaging to try and get a status report. Upon receiving the text, Cooch's subsequent response would indicate utter flaborgastment:

"You near your email?"

At this point I'm thinking, "dude, if I was, would I be texting you?" Me being the consummate ball-buster, I replied back with:

"Would I be asking you if I was? You're killing me dude (*winkface*)"

Cooch was very tolerant of Lavinius' wiseassery.

"Thought so! Decent outing but far from great. Hitters caught up to him the second time around. Eleven guys on base over six. Given the lineup and the circumsanc"

another text comes in...

"es i'd give him a b-plus"

Lavinius was pleased with this news. I then wanted to find out more information, such as runs allowed and K's.

"Three earned runs and three walks. Eight hits and five strike outs."

Lavinius thought that was pretty fucking solid against a team with the offensive talents of the Halos. The five K's in six innings was especially pleasing to see. Cooch told me he has a nasty changeup. At that point, I couldn't want to get out of Tire Kingdom and back to Casa Lavinius to view highlights from this game.

Hours later, highlights of his performance were posted on the Red Sox official site. From there, mouse clickage took place, followed by a double-click to make Windows Media Player full-screen mode, and on the monitor of my IBM Thinkpad was none other than the man himself. My eyes were treated to an assortment of sick changeups that fell straight off a table. They would appear to be fastballs to the hitters' eyes, only to sharply dart groundward at the very last moment. Cooch speaketh the trutheth about his changeup. The rumors of it being more filthy than Paris Hilton are 100% true. Only difference is Clay's changeups don't need a Valtrex prescription.

At the end of game one, the Sox emerged victorious by a score of 8-4. Mancrush V.2 beats one of the top pitchers in the AL, John Lackey, in his major league debut. Good times. Good times.

Unfortunately, Clay would be used and discarded like a cheap whore. He was sent down to Pawtucket after the game.

Hours later, game two of the doubleheader took place. As luck would have it, Mancrush V.1 (Josh Beckett, as if I had to specify) would be working that game. What are the odds that Mancrush V.2 would be making his ML debut working a doubleheader with Mancrush V.1? It had to have been fate. Either that, or some higher power likes Lavinius.

Beckett once again turned in a studly outing: 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 K's but left with his team trailing 2-1. The score would balloon to 4-1 going into the bottom of the 8th inning and it looked like once again my boy would be hit with a tough luck loss. Fortunately, Papi Grande and Manuel Ramirez made sure this wouldn't happen. Clutch hits by both made the score 5-4 Sox going into the 9th.

With Papelbon working the first game, Sox manager Theresa Francona elected to go with enigmatic rotund Canadian Frenchman Eric Gagne. If there was one man in Fenway that had a chance to play wood-killer, it was Gagne (or Gag-me). Sure enough, the fucker implodes in the 9th inning, allowing three runs to cross. It was the third such lead Gagne has blown in a week in his brief, painful Red Sox tenure. Fenway justly boos the ever-loving shit out of him following yet another implosion. For a guy that was supposed to bolster the bullpen, the only thing he's done is bolster the opposing teams' chance of winning. Thanks, Theo. Thanks, Tito. Thanks, Gagme. You all suck. Theo, for trading for him. Tito, for continuing to put him in the game. And Gagne, for costing the Red Sox valuable games in the standings. The Sox are probably 8.5 games up if they don't make any trades.

On a day that had the potential to be a primo nut buster, Gagne pisses on everybody's parade.