John Burkett's Blazing Heat

Regarding John Burkett, whose fastball tops out at 84mph (June 15, 2003; Sox are playing the Astros):

Lavinius: Wagner's change-up is faster than Burkett's fastball...

Thick: it's got more movement, too!

We fucking hate the Yankees...

On the heels of the Red Sox 13-1 win over St. Louis and the Yankees getting no-hit at home for the first time since the invention of the Color TV (June 12, 2003):

Lavinius: The Sox and Yanks…combined for 19 hits! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Todd Walker...

On Todd Walker, the Red Sox’ current second baseman, whom after 55+ games, has eight errors (June 4, 2003)

Thick: todd walker has less range than bruce hornsby!!!

Lavinius: Thank you Peter Gammons.

Thick: dude can't catch up to an ice cream truck!

Lavinius: He's sporting a new pair of Nike's. Air Cement.

Lavinius Loves the Buffalo Bills...

On the Bills signing veteran wideout James Jett, who turns 105 this year (2003)

Lavinius: Man I was worried about them [the Bills]. They hadn't signed anybody in a while. PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Dude's 32 years old, but homeboy still has some wheels at this stage of his career...

Thick: he's done. you'd be better off signing the old punter named jett...

Lavinius: Hey, it was for one year and the vet minimum. Win/win situation. They're looking for another speed guy to line up opposite of E-Moulds.

Thick: the only speed you'll see from him is the shit he’s sellin' from his locker!!!