Dougie's Diary

Someone posted this at the Sons of Sam Horn. Supposed to be a diary of Doug Mirabelli, but I doubt heavily he authored the below. Nonetheless, I laughed my ass off.

The origin of this is in a password protected forum, so I can't link it, but here it is, cut and pasted:

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This was forwarded in an email to me... sort of bizarre, yet fairly amusing nevertheless. This is Doug Mirabelli's July 30th.....:


12:05 am Order room service- charge it to Nomar 's room - tried to spell out garciaparra- finally just screamed charge it Nomar's room and make it quick.

12:20 Order third porn movie of the day

12:40 Filet Mignon with a side of chicken parm arrives

12:46 meal finished- calls back to room service- orders 2 piece of cheesecake charges it to Terry Francona's room

12:55 dessert arrives

12:57 dessert demolished- dougie strips down and take his pre bedtime swings naked in front of the mirror

1:30 can't sleep calls nomar's room and says in a spanish voice" this is omar minaya you have been traded to the Montreal expos- nomar cries- dougie calls him a @#%$ and tells him to go ice his pinky toe

1:45 calls derek lowe's room and tells him he has been traded to the pawtucket red sox

2:00 am can't sleep - goes skinny dipping in the hotel pool

3:00 am finally falls a sleep after killing it for the third time
today and another peice of cheesecake

9:55 wakes up- kills it- then takes a shower and shaves- leave one stripe down his chin-tells himself he is a stud who hits bombs

10:15 takes 30 hard cuts naked

10:20 gets dressed- tight jeans- cowboy boots and tanktop heads off to park

10:22 leaves note at front desk- please tell derek lowe and nomar to call john henry asap- leaves them a 900 number to call

11:00 arrives at ballpark- give dead leg to shilling and tells him to shut the @#%$ up for once

11:15 tells nomar he heard he is being traded to the expos for 3 pieces of @#%$ and some toilet paper

11:17 ask nomar if his @#%$ is still sore

11:18 steps on nomar's heel- tells him to quit being a @#%$

11:30 chest bumps wakefield

11:45 pulls shilling aside with a flying tackle and screams in his face- if you weren't such a loud mouth i would be catching Randy every 5th day instead of chasing knuckleballs to the backstop. tells he got rocked in new york and stop pitching like suck a @#%$- rips shilling wallet from his back
pocket and and takes his cash

12:00 tells derek lowe- what the @#%$ are you doing here- i thought we already traded your @#%$ weak ass sinker ball headcase @#%$ carcass-gives lowe a wedgie and farts in his face

12:15 screams out loud- "we trade nomar yet?"

12:45 orders chicken parm

1:25 finishes eating- heads out to bp

1:30 gets put in nomar bp group

1:42 throws nomar out of the cage

1:50 hits 13 of 20 pitches 400 feet foul- misses other 7

1:52 nomar gets back in cage- calls him and his wife gay- throws baseballs at nomar heels- hope he trips and hurts himself

1:55 reminds nomar that the sox dropped ther offer from 15 to 12 million-tells nomar they are having a party tonight when they trade him

2:15 takes 45 minutes nap- gets ready for deadline-dreams he hit game 7 dinger onto the mass pike- wakes up sees nomar and is pissed

3:15 announce to clubhouse- "nomar or @#%$ down lowe get traded yet ?"

3:45 bad mood takes over as it is the trading deadline and he sees nomar has not been traded

3:58 clubhouse closed to reporter- theo walks in- announes see ya @#%$-does a sack dance in nomar face

4:02 team notified of nomar's deal- leads chants in nanananana hey hey hey goodbye

4:10 bullshit do lowe not traded- tells him he is getting racked
tonight- stuffs him in his locker

4:15 high fives luccino and bear hugs theo- theo stunned

4:30 tells francona they should have trade Francona and schilling to Wilkes Barre-

4:33 francona runs away- dougie catches him and give him an atoimic wedgie- tells him to @#%$ bunt the runner along every now and then; francona runs and hides behind schilling.

4:45 makes plan for post game celebration nomar traded party at local nightspot

4:50 grabs schilling's wallet and takes out cash to pay for party

5:05 announces today is a good day-



Here is the second email I received on this "subject"... I have no idea who the original author is, so feel free to rip away.... I am merely the messenger. (I will say the Wakefield and Francona parts in both this and the other one are pretty funny...as is 1:25pm).


With that, I bring you Doug Mirabelli's doubleheader on 7/22:


9:00 shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed

9:01 lets out blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands- farts 5 more times

9:03 drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge

9:05 take out leftovers from the Kowloon pupu platter for 3 he picked up last night

9:15 grunts at his wife and gives hid kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone

9:17 takes a dump

9:22 sings Van Halen in the shower

9:25 shaves and leaves his goatee

9:30 takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror-screams out loud "Dougie is going deep tonight "

9:45 puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tanktop and gets ready to leave

9:50 grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he'll see them
tomorrow

9:57 pulls onto RT 1 with Led Zeppelin blaring- cuts three people off-gives the finger to all three people

10:15 pulls into Fenway park- tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks nomar in

10:16 puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his
families' life if there is one scratch on his truck

10:22 walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the the first time time today and 350th time this month- asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend merloni

10:27 takes a sh*t- leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by

10:30 gives nomar a deadleg and calls him a homo

10:33 stuffs derek lowe in a locker and pisses on him

10:37 goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Wakefield

10:45 takes Pokey's Headphones off and steps on them- says until he is hitting 250-no music.

10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says "Is Dougie DHing the first game "

10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling

10:55 Dougie tells Trot if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this : 375 72 Hr's 52 Doubles 9 Singles 6 Walks 220 K'S

11:17 writes back response to to fan's Letter "Hey P*ssy, I don't wear batting gloves because they are for p*ssies like your boyfriend Nomar "

11:30 Walks out to batting pratice with a tantkop on

11:45 after no stretching steps into the cage- ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure

11:47 takes 25 cuts- hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8

11:48 calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang nomar for mixing in a curve after Dougie hit one onto the pike

11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie- calls him a pickle smoker

12:00 Dougie's daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci's arrives

12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar's locker

12:15 Tito posts lineup- Dougie sees he is not the DH- Calls Francona a p*ssy. Francona runs behind Schilling

12:25 Dougie gets nakes and take 25 cuts in front of the clubhouse mirror- annoucing "Dougie is going deep tonight "

12:45 Takes a sh*t- uses Nomars 350 dollar silk shirt to wipe his ass-

1:05 game starts - Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind schilling

1:25 Dougie annouces he is ready to pinch hit in the Bottom of the first for Nomar.

1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in- Dougie tells him he sucks and will back at trenton by 7 tonight

1:55 dougies 4 fenway frank arrive- pays with nomar's credit card

2:15 finishes shopping with nomars credit card- maxed it out at Auto Zone

2:30 dozes off

3:30 sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suck except for him and wake

3:33 annouces himself ready to pinch hit

4:30 sox lose game- Dougie tells Francona he should have DH'D him-Francona runs away

5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for p*ssies

5:30 Dougie takes BP again- refuses to bunt

5:33 Dougie hit 22 pitches over the wall 11 fair- 11 foul- all pulled- he missed 15 pitches

6:00 Dougie see name in lineup- calls francona a p*ssy for batting him 8th- francona hides behinf schilling

6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup

6:25 announces that Dougie is going deep tonight

6:30 dinner arrives- 2 steaks from the capital grille- dougie pours steak juice into nomar's locker- makes d lowe eat the fat

6:35 dougie gives d lowe an atomic wedgie

7:00 tells wakefield the show some balls tonight and don't throw anything in the dirt

7:10 scoreless first- dougie tells francona it must be the catching

7:25 Dougie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep

7:27 dougie screams at pitcher- tells him he is a p*ssy and he is taking him deep

7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall- coasts into second. almost gets thrown out

7:31 tells pitcher he fastball sucks- tells shortstop and second baseman that he didn't get all of it-

8:15 dougie ropes a rocket to third- third baseman takes all day and still turns two on dougie-

8:16 fans boo dougie

8:17 dougie tells family fo 4 to @#%$ off and steals some kids hot dog on way to dugout

8:18 dougie is tired and is happy he it into a doubleplay- he did not want to run the bases anymore

9:10 dougie fans on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs- calls pitcher- catcher and ump all p*ssies

9:30 9th inning - dougie is exhausted- walks out to the mound and calls embree a p*ssy and tells him to just bring the heat- dougie wants to get home

9:50 Dougie showers- and walks around the clubhouse naked- tells dan shaugnessy and gordon edes to blow him-

9:55 dougie shaves - and leaves a goatee

10:00 Knocks nomar off his exercise bike- calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse

10:10 cuts off 4 redsox fans- gives the bird to everyone near him

10:25 arrives at Kowloon on RT 1

10:45 sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for 3

12:00 stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn- goes for a dip in his above ground pool

12:10 leaves tighty whitey's on his neighboor's windshield

12:15 walks into house nakes and screams "who saw my bomb i hit tonite???"

12:30 wakes up whole neighborhood

12:45 takes 35 cuts naked and orders porn

12:55 pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for movie

1:15 dougie passes out on couch