Lavinius: I went out and bought a paper shredder today.
Cooch: a shredder? welcome to 2005 muhfuckah! did you buy that thing after you paid off your abacus?
Lavinius: I'm still paying off a typewriter I leased back in 1985...
bwahahhwhahaha [ahhh, hasn't identity theft been an issue for, say, 10 years now?]
Monday, February 28, 2005
Michael Jackson to trade in Neverland Ranch for the Coocher Ranch?
Lavinius and Cooch are in the process of planning their '05 baseball trip through the mid-west. Cooch notifies Lavinius about two potential conflicts with having the trip in early June. 1) he is scheduled to go to Pocono, PA to watch cars drive around in circles (a.k.a. Auto Racing), and 2) he needs to find a caregiver for his two sons on consecutive weekends in June. Lavinius, a man with all the answers, quickly remedies the situation:
Cooch: the problem isn't the pocono conflict as much as it is trying to find caregivers for two boys on consecutive weekends
Lavinius: Well, if that plea bargain goes well with Michael Jackson...
Cooch: the problem isn't the pocono conflict as much as it is trying to find caregivers for two boys on consecutive weekends
Lavinius: Well, if that plea bargain goes well with Michael Jackson...
Sunday, February 27, 2005
What is this world coming to?
Man charged with having "relations" with cows
Feb 26, 6:09 PM EST
Man Accused of "Putting Meat in Cows' Beef Patties"
LISBON FALLS, ME. (AP) -- A 33-year-old man is charged with sexual gratification with an animal for allegedly having sex with calves.
Cooch, of Lisbon Falls, ME allegedly told police that he routinely stopped at a Topsham farm, usually after bar closing or on trips to strip clubs near Portland or Brunswick.
A criminal complaint filed in Cooch County Circuit Court said the farm's owners installed a motion detector on Jan. 22 after regularly seeing footprints and vehicle tracks on their land. Around 4 a.m. the next morning, a sensor sounded and Cooch was caught leaving the barn, but Cooch allegedly said he just used a bathroom in the barn and had never been there before.
Cooch told police he had sex with heifers before he went into the service in 1991 and resumed about a year ago at the farm. He admitted to using a rope to tie calves around the neck and estimated he had been to the farm "at least 50 times," according to the complaint.
He told police he never had sex with animals (except his cats on occasion) while maintaining a relationship with his belligerent drunk girlfriend or his pizza eating ex-wife, the complaint said.
Cooch also is charged with disorderly conduct and two counts of obstructing an officer. Each charge carries up to nine months in jail.
Cooch is scheduled to appear in court March 10.
Cooch, co-writer with the illustrious Lavinius at laviniusandcooch.blogspot.com, is currently serving 10 years of probation for the incessant harassment of Tanyon Sturze.
--------
Gives whole new meaning to the term "milk moustache."
Feb 26, 6:09 PM EST
Man Accused of "Putting Meat in Cows' Beef Patties"
LISBON FALLS, ME. (AP) -- A 33-year-old man is charged with sexual gratification with an animal for allegedly having sex with calves.
Cooch, of Lisbon Falls, ME allegedly told police that he routinely stopped at a Topsham farm, usually after bar closing or on trips to strip clubs near Portland or Brunswick.
A criminal complaint filed in Cooch County Circuit Court said the farm's owners installed a motion detector on Jan. 22 after regularly seeing footprints and vehicle tracks on their land. Around 4 a.m. the next morning, a sensor sounded and Cooch was caught leaving the barn, but Cooch allegedly said he just used a bathroom in the barn and had never been there before.
Cooch told police he had sex with heifers before he went into the service in 1991 and resumed about a year ago at the farm. He admitted to using a rope to tie calves around the neck and estimated he had been to the farm "at least 50 times," according to the complaint.
He told police he never had sex with animals (except his cats on occasion) while maintaining a relationship with his belligerent drunk girlfriend or his pizza eating ex-wife, the complaint said.
Cooch also is charged with disorderly conduct and two counts of obstructing an officer. Each charge carries up to nine months in jail.
Cooch is scheduled to appear in court March 10.
Cooch, co-writer with the illustrious Lavinius at laviniusandcooch.blogspot.com, is currently serving 10 years of probation for the incessant harassment of Tanyon Sturze.
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Gives whole new meaning to the term "milk moustache."
Friday, February 25, 2005
Lavinius' Random Isht Mix
Lavinius' Random Isht Mix (Compiled 2-22-05)
Pop Goes the Weasel - 3rd Bass
Copacabana - Barry Manilow
School's Out - Alice Cooper
Mammals - Bloodhound Gang
Like Toy Soldiers - Eminem
Seasons Change - Expose
Head Games - Foreigner
Homewrecker - Jhae & Bumba
Friends - Something Barry Bonds doesn't have a lot of (Jody Watley)
Girls x 3- Motley Crue
Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond
Physical - Olivia Newton John
Bust a Move - Young MC
If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free - Sting
Turn the Page - Cooch after he got doors slammed in his face by female species (Metallica)
Mr. Telephone Man - New Edition
911 Is A Joke - Nicole Brown Simpson/Ron Goldman duet (j/k, Public Enemy)
Chariots of Fire - See Comments (Vangelis)
Pop Goes the Weasel - 3rd Bass
Copacabana - Barry Manilow
School's Out - Alice Cooper
Mammals - Bloodhound Gang
Like Toy Soldiers - Eminem
Seasons Change - Expose
Head Games - Foreigner
Homewrecker - Jhae & Bumba
Friends - Something Barry Bonds doesn't have a lot of (Jody Watley)
Girls x 3- Motley Crue
Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond
Physical - Olivia Newton John
Bust a Move - Young MC
If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free - Sting
Turn the Page - Cooch after he got doors slammed in his face by female species (Metallica)
Mr. Telephone Man - New Edition
911 Is A Joke - Nicole Brown Simpson/Ron Goldman duet (j/k, Public Enemy)
Chariots of Fire - See Comments (Vangelis)
Limp Bizkit, defined
C’mon, we’ve all had a bad day… But, if your bizkit is limp, would you videotape the event? Apparently, there’s no shame for Fred Durst, as his latest video attests.
Lavinius started this diablog with a simple email message to Cooch, simply stating, "Gives new meaning to the term 'limp' bizkit," followed by the link to the now infamous video footage of Fred Durst. Just remember, he did it all for the Nookie.
Now, we've all been there. As fun as it is to make fun of celebrities, who hasn't been in this position? I mean, is Viagra, Cialis, and all those other sexual aides a figment of my imagination, or is maintaining an erection a little (excuse the pun) harder than it looks? Sure, porn stars make it look easy, but that's all they can do. At least Fred can sing (um, that's up for debate, too).
Honestly, if you had a reamed out, filthy ass sticking in your face (see video footage, pay attention to the tattered ass of the woman in the video), are you going to be able to stay rock hard (again, excuse the pun) in front of a live audience?
Lavinius sums it up nicely:
"See that gaping hole in that girl's ass? You could drive a fucking truck through her anal cavity...
But seeing Durst's limp bizkit though? Definitely not the lasting
impression I want when I sit down for a hot dog dinner..."
True. True.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
So I Have a Friend Who is a Celtics Fan
My buddy has always been a huge Antoine Walker fan. So much so that his poster is absolutely covered with.......but that's besides the point...
Anyway, he's obviously elated that the Celtics got Walker back in a trade. He's been text messaging me expressing his elation. He even went so far as to say that the Celtics could "go further" than Detroit!
For the record, in addition to being a Red Sox, Marlins, and Bills fan, I'm also a Detroit Pistons fan, so this text message was definitely intended on getting a reaction out of me. How did I react, you ask? Here is my text message back to him, verbatim:
"You willing to back that up with more than just a silly claim? 20 bucks. You owe me 20 if the Stons (editor's note: short for "Pistons") go further. I owe you 20 if the C's (editor's note: short for "Celtics") go further. We got a bet?"
The big homer that he is, he replies back with "Sure."
Haha, I love it! I don't think he was expecting me to reply back with a "put your money where your mouth is" ultimatum. With my buddy being a prideful guy, I forced his hand. He would have looked utterly spineless and gutless had he declined. He had no choice but to take the bet, a bet in all likelihood he is going to lose.
I'd be very curious to know how many people outside of the Boston and Detroit areas, and how many non-Boston and non-Detroit fans would have taken that bet with me? I can't imagine it's something that the average neutral observer would have taken me up on.
Anyway, he's obviously elated that the Celtics got Walker back in a trade. He's been text messaging me expressing his elation. He even went so far as to say that the Celtics could "go further" than Detroit!
For the record, in addition to being a Red Sox, Marlins, and Bills fan, I'm also a Detroit Pistons fan, so this text message was definitely intended on getting a reaction out of me. How did I react, you ask? Here is my text message back to him, verbatim:
"You willing to back that up with more than just a silly claim? 20 bucks. You owe me 20 if the Stons (editor's note: short for "Pistons") go further. I owe you 20 if the C's (editor's note: short for "Celtics") go further. We got a bet?"
The big homer that he is, he replies back with "Sure."
Haha, I love it! I don't think he was expecting me to reply back with a "put your money where your mouth is" ultimatum. With my buddy being a prideful guy, I forced his hand. He would have looked utterly spineless and gutless had he declined. He had no choice but to take the bet, a bet in all likelihood he is going to lose.
I'd be very curious to know how many people outside of the Boston and Detroit areas, and how many non-Boston and non-Detroit fans would have taken that bet with me? I can't imagine it's something that the average neutral observer would have taken me up on.
welcome to the bloggery
everyone has a blogger, so why not lavinius and cooch? i don't see why not...
anyway, we'll be posting some of our "diary" material, which is simply a collection of isht that we personally find humorous... hang tight, it's nearly 5:00 a.m. and i've yet to sleep - a slight drawback of amphetamines, most likely... ;)
p.s. Cooch, Thick, and Thickage are all the same people...
p.p.s. Cooch, Thick, Thickage, and Lavinius hate the fucking Yankees, but love the Red Sox.
p.p.p.s. Lavinius also likes the Florida Marlins
p.p.p.p.s. Cooch loves the Dallas Cowboys, Lavinius loves the Buffalo Bills
anyway, we'll be posting some of our "diary" material, which is simply a collection of isht that we personally find humorous... hang tight, it's nearly 5:00 a.m. and i've yet to sleep - a slight drawback of amphetamines, most likely... ;)
p.s. Cooch, Thick, and Thickage are all the same people...
p.p.s. Cooch, Thick, Thickage, and Lavinius hate the fucking Yankees, but love the Red Sox.
p.p.p.s. Lavinius also likes the Florida Marlins
p.p.p.p.s. Cooch loves the Dallas Cowboys, Lavinius loves the Buffalo Bills
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