Antoine Walker is not The Answer

cooch: when the game's on the line, down the stretch, it doesn't matter if your guy has 40 points in the game if he can't hit a couple of clutch ones w/ time winding down... twan's not great, period.

lavinius: ...in the end, he's going to kill you with some of the worst shooting you'll ever see since Stevie Wonder tried duck hunting...

cooch: i've seen better shots in a b-rated porno...

lavinius: Canseco said in his book that Twan tried to shoot himself with steroids and missed...

BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

Gives new meaning to the term "finger foods"

Diner finds finger in chili

Officials: Diner finds finger in chili
Thursday, March 24, 2005 Posted: 8:48 AM EST (1348 GMT)

SAN FRANCISCO, California (Reuters) -- A diner at a Wendy's fast food restaurant in San Jose, California, found a human finger in a bowl of chili prepared by the chain, local officials said Wednesday.

"This individual apparently did take a spoonful, did have a finger in their mouth and then, you know, spit it out and recognized it," said Ben Gale, director of the department of environmental health for Santa Clara County. "Then they had some kind of emotional reaction and vomited."

Local officials launched an investigation after the incident Tuesday night and the medical examiner determined Wednesday that the object was a human finger.

Officials are trying to determine whether the finger came in the raw materials Wendy's used to prepare the chili, Gale said.

Wendy's International Inc. corporate office did not immediately return a call for comment. Wendy's is the third-largest hamburger chain.

Dude, I wish I didn't get a Dell!

Sup ladies and gents! Just returning from 20th century fucking purgatory as I've been without my laptop since Saturday. But, after dropping $700 down for a new motherboard and installation/diagnostics, I am muthafuckin back! This is a bigger return than Freddy fuckin Krueger, Jason, Mike Myers, and Rocky combined!

Oh, and Dell can friggin blow me. Their computers are on the same hash their former spokesman "Steve" is on...

Cooch's Random Isht Mix

1. twice as hard - the black crowes
2. lean back - terror squad
3. the red - chevelle
4. rock the casbah - the clash
5. foolin' - def leppard
6. the seed - the roots
7. here and now - luther vandross
8. the gift - jim brickman
9. cold hard bitch - jet
10. new york state of mind - tony bennett
11. santa monica - everclear
12. i'm already there - lonestar
13. calling all girls - rick springfield
14. place in this world - michael w. smith
15. rocket queen - guns n' roses
16. rock the casbah - the clash (DID I PUT THIS SONG ON TWICE?)
17. babe, i'm gonna leave you - great white
18. the dam at otter creek - live

insomniac music theater

it seems like the only time you can actually see a music video these days is if you happen to be watching insomniac music theater on vh1, say, at 3:30 a.m... now, the videos have been pretty good this morning (except for that latest shitty release by U2), but it's not like i'm going to set my clock to wake up at this time in order to watch music videos.

now that i think of it, that's why i fucking bought tivo.

that tangent aside, i'm watching my favorite new band's (velvet revolver) smokin' video, "dirty little thing." slash is tearin' up the fretboard as if he were still doing lines of coke and drinking whiskey like it was water for a deyhdrated dog. scott weiland couldn't possibly get any thinner; he should consider replacing the syringe in his arm with a protein feeding drip. doesn't much matter though, because the scantily-clad whores in the video are wearing sexy leather -- vinyl, maybe -- skimpy wear (p.s. i'm not offended by scantily-clad whores, so i say that in the most affectionate way).

for a stark contrast to the chicks in the velvet revolver videos, joss stone is subtly sexy. joss' latest, "right to be wrong," is now playing on the insomniac music theater. it's possible that i'm biased towards her because i have a penchant for tight-bodied young blonde chicks with great vocal range - but who can blame me?

keane weighed in with a good tune - "somewhere only we know" i think it is...

jet also chimed in with "look what you've done." good shizzle...

what i cannot believe, though, is that vh1 is spinning U2's video AGAIN. what? you mean i'm watching videos from 3:30 a.m. to 4:30 a.m. -- and of all the videos in the vault -- you subject me to U2 twice in that span? WTF? "sometimes you can't make it on your own" is the song... well, now that i've heard it twice within the hour, it's kind of growing on me... not sure why i hate U2 so much...

maybe because i just don't get enough sleep.

Man Severs Penis; Eats it

A 40-year-old man is recovering in hospital in The Philippines after cutting off his penis and eating it.

Asked about Ernesto Almonte's mental state, a hospital spokesman said: "If you cut your sex organ and then eat it, then something is wrong with you."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,12477927-13762,000.html

Lavinius = The Modern Day MacGyver

Funny story. This morning was trash day. My cat filled up his litter box because he's a very regular kitty. So like I always do, I dumped the "contents" of the litter box into the trash with the intentions of giving him a fresh batch of litter. One problem-- I was out of litter! So now here is this empty litter box with absolutely no signs of litter anywhere. With it being one in the morning, obviously all the stores are closed so I can't pick any up. So I really had to get creative. After racking my brain for 15 minutes and contemplating suicide, an idea popped into my head!

I decided to use sugar in place of litter. So I went in my fridge, took out a fairly large bag of it, and proceeded to empty the contents into his litter box. Unfortunately, all it did was cover the bottom. There wasn't enough sugar to give the litter any depth, so it was going to be tough for him to "bury his stash."

In any event, as luck would have it, five minutes after I poured the sugar in (and laughing my ass off), the cat goes in there. I'm thinking, "oh man, this is gonna be interesting." So the cat decides to take a nice long piss. And I mean long! How long? Tom Hanks long in A League of Their Own. If you haven't seen that, go rent it. But anyway, after a good five minutes of drainin' the lizard, he emerges from the box. I go over there to "assess the damages", and there's a fuckin flood in there! All the sugar I put in there was replaced with a pool of cat urin! I was repulsed! So quickly, I had to remedy the situation. I actually had some confectionary sugar in my fridge, too, so I took the package of that and started dumping it all over the cat piss until it was completely submerged underneath it. Luckilly, I had enough of the stuff to bury it completely.

I went to bed last night with my cat's litter consisting of both regular sugar and confectionary sugar. Hey, if that affects this years voting in the "Pet Owner of the Year" awards, so be it. But when I went downstairs this morning, I prayed that he didn't drop bombs in there. Luckilly, he didn't. No dookie sighting was a big plus! I had dodged a huge bullet. Who knew what kind of repugnant odor the combination of dookie, piss, granular sugar, and confectionary sugar would leave in my wonderful, fragrant home.

Not wanting the cat to provide a re-inactment of the tsunamis in Thailand with another five minute long pissfest, I embarked to BJ's to pick up a 33 lb container of litter. As funny as it would be to continue to watch him bury his dookie in sugar, he needs the litter, otherwise, he'll start tasting the litter and I'll have a diabetic cat.

Another thought before I bring this story to a close. Do you think this will influence neighbors coming over and asking for sugar?

Theo Thinks Like Lavinius and Cooch...

"I try to keep my distance from it. I don't want to catch anything. That thing has been passed around more often than Paris Hilton."

- Theo Epstein on the World Series trophy