Saturday, August 22, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Eck needs to brush up on his broadcasting skills
Dennis Eckersley had a lot of saves in his career. He should have saved two choice words from this broadcast.
http://www.cmsbmedia.com/2009/05/ummeckgeorge-carlin-called.html
http://www.cmsbmedia.com/2009/05/ummeckgeorge-carlin-called.html
Monday, May 11, 2009
Cool Stat on Paps
from a.j. lavinius
Jonathan Papelbon recorded a rare "super-save" last night, striking out three consecutive batters to end the game with the tying run at third base. It was the first such save in 20 years and only the fifth since the save rule was instituted in 1969.
The batters who fanned against Papelbon were Carlos Pena, B.J. Upton, and Carl Crawford, who have batted in the same inning 422 times. This was only the sixth time that all three struck out.
Jonathan Papelbon recorded a rare "super-save" last night, striking out three consecutive batters to end the game with the tying run at third base. It was the first such save in 20 years and only the fifth since the save rule was instituted in 1969.
The batters who fanned against Papelbon were Carlos Pena, B.J. Upton, and Carl Crawford, who have batted in the same inning 422 times. This was only the sixth time that all three struck out.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Food Challenge: Can you eat a piece of bread in 30 seconds?
Charles Barkley attempts. Hilarity ensues:
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Mark "The Bird" Fidrych: 1954-2009
Below is a cool Mark Fidrych story from another board that Cooch and I wanted to post to the diary:
Every once in a while, somebody touches your life. Mark Fidrych touched mine. In 1996 Mark attended the Red Sox Fantasy Camp. It was to my knowledge, the only time he attended. We had met each other in passing early in the week, but on Wednesday that week, Mark Fidrych and I got (really) drunk together.
There was this character at the camp that year who owned a bar in downtown Ft. Myers. His name was Louie something. Wednesday night is the normal "off night" at the camp. So this Louie character, seeking to promote his bar, declared an event would be held at his joint for all the people at the camp with free food, drink specials, and a "surprise." The name of his place was "Screwy Louie's."
Having nothing to do, I wandered over to Screwy Louie's to see what might be up. There was nobody around, so I bellied up to the bar and ordered a scotch. I'm sitting there a while and this guy plops down next to me and says, "I got the next round. What are you drinking?" It's Fidrych.
So Fidrych starts chatting up the bartender, a very, very desirable young blonde, and tells her a story about how he and I are old friends and just ran into each other that night. She bites and provides the round free. "Smooth move," I say to Fidrych.
"Ya just gutta know people," he says. He has a thick Mass accent.
We get to chatting. He says he's from Northboro. I mention I played in and won a Little League tournament there in 1972. I mention I remember it was the first field I ever saw with advertising on the outfield fence. I mention a few of the establishments I remember in the ads. One in particular was the "Tip 'a Can Trash Removal Company." Fidryich goes nuts. He knows the owners. Uses the company for some of his business on the farm, etc. Says to me, "I'm buying all night and you're not going to argue with me..."
"If you say so Mark. Not necessary though. I'm happy to get my share.
"I say so," he says.
We spent the next four maybe five hours drinking and bullshitting. He tells me how happy he is just working his farm in Northboro. Tells me stories from Detroit and Pawtucket I can't repeat. Just on and on. One of the trainers from the Red Sox staff eventually sat with us. We began to notice the blonde bartender fox more and more as the evening went on (of course). She was wearing very tight shorts which accentuated the specific anatomical details of her, um, parts...
Picture three guys sitting at a crap bar in downtown Fort Myers for three or four hours, having a contest to come up with all the euphemisms to describe this young lady's parts... All I can remember is the laughing. Laughing for the sake of laughing and learning several euphemisms I'd not heard before. We got together a couple of times later in the week but after it was over, I never saw him again.
Mark Fidrych was a gem guys. I felt a little for Adenhart. I felt a little more for Kalas. I feel this one. Fidrych was nuts but he was a great kind of nuts. He was the happiest-go-luckiest guy I ever met. And I'm glad I got the chance, really glad.
Take care Mark. Thanks for the drinks. Thanks for the memory. At least you were doing what you loved to do when your time came. Camel Toes Forever man...
Every once in a while, somebody touches your life. Mark Fidrych touched mine. In 1996 Mark attended the Red Sox Fantasy Camp. It was to my knowledge, the only time he attended. We had met each other in passing early in the week, but on Wednesday that week, Mark Fidrych and I got (really) drunk together.
There was this character at the camp that year who owned a bar in downtown Ft. Myers. His name was Louie something. Wednesday night is the normal "off night" at the camp. So this Louie character, seeking to promote his bar, declared an event would be held at his joint for all the people at the camp with free food, drink specials, and a "surprise." The name of his place was "Screwy Louie's."
Having nothing to do, I wandered over to Screwy Louie's to see what might be up. There was nobody around, so I bellied up to the bar and ordered a scotch. I'm sitting there a while and this guy plops down next to me and says, "I got the next round. What are you drinking?" It's Fidrych.
So Fidrych starts chatting up the bartender, a very, very desirable young blonde, and tells her a story about how he and I are old friends and just ran into each other that night. She bites and provides the round free. "Smooth move," I say to Fidrych.
"Ya just gutta know people," he says. He has a thick Mass accent.
We get to chatting. He says he's from Northboro. I mention I played in and won a Little League tournament there in 1972. I mention I remember it was the first field I ever saw with advertising on the outfield fence. I mention a few of the establishments I remember in the ads. One in particular was the "Tip 'a Can Trash Removal Company." Fidryich goes nuts. He knows the owners. Uses the company for some of his business on the farm, etc. Says to me, "I'm buying all night and you're not going to argue with me..."
"If you say so Mark. Not necessary though. I'm happy to get my share.
"I say so," he says.
We spent the next four maybe five hours drinking and bullshitting. He tells me how happy he is just working his farm in Northboro. Tells me stories from Detroit and Pawtucket I can't repeat. Just on and on. One of the trainers from the Red Sox staff eventually sat with us. We began to notice the blonde bartender fox more and more as the evening went on (of course). She was wearing very tight shorts which accentuated the specific anatomical details of her, um, parts...
Picture three guys sitting at a crap bar in downtown Fort Myers for three or four hours, having a contest to come up with all the euphemisms to describe this young lady's parts... All I can remember is the laughing. Laughing for the sake of laughing and learning several euphemisms I'd not heard before. We got together a couple of times later in the week but after it was over, I never saw him again.
Mark Fidrych was a gem guys. I felt a little for Adenhart. I felt a little more for Kalas. I feel this one. Fidrych was nuts but he was a great kind of nuts. He was the happiest-go-luckiest guy I ever met. And I'm glad I got the chance, really glad.
Take care Mark. Thanks for the drinks. Thanks for the memory. At least you were doing what you loved to do when your time came. Camel Toes Forever man...
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Four Decade MLBers
With Schill's retirement, MLBers left with a shot are:
Tom Glavine
John Smoltz
Junior
Jamie Moyer
Randy Johnson
Kenny Rogers
380 more days to join the club..........
Tom Glavine
John Smoltz
Junior
Jamie Moyer
Randy Johnson
Kenny Rogers
380 more days to join the club..........
Friday, March 20, 2009
One way to stop AIDS
PUT A BIBLE OVER YOUR PENIS, SAYS POPE POPE Benedict last night claimed that placing a bible over an erect penis before intercourse is the only guaranteed way to prevent the spread of Aids.
Speaking before his tour of Africa, the Pontiff said Aids could only be tackled by the 'traditional teaching of the church' and not a latex rubber sheath that contains infected semen and prevents it from transferring the virus to another human being.
May cause chafing
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Red Sox LFs: An Unprecedented Run
The Red Sox have had 8 LFs since 1939:
Teddy Ballgame (1939-1960)
Carl Yaz (1960-1975, moved to 1B/DH)
Jim Rice (1975-1987)
Mike Greenwell (1987-1996)
Wil Cordero (1997)
Troy O'Leary (1998-2000)
Manny Ramirez (2001-2008)
Jason Bay (2008-present)
Very impressive considering two of the eight played 3 years or less.
Oh, those Red Sox left fielders! Circa 2007
Teddy Ballgame (1939-1960)
Carl Yaz (1960-1975, moved to 1B/DH)
Jim Rice (1975-1987)
Mike Greenwell (1987-1996)
Wil Cordero (1997)
Troy O'Leary (1998-2000)
Manny Ramirez (2001-2008)
Jason Bay (2008-present)
Very impressive considering two of the eight played 3 years or less.
Oh, those Red Sox left fielders! Circa 2007
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Man has menage o trois in Publix parking lot, gets arrested
Give the guy credit for at least picking up girls that put up the least resistance.
From the looks of the Reese's peanut butter cup wrappers, looks like they were having quite the time.
LINK
From the looks of the Reese's peanut butter cup wrappers, looks like they were having quite the time.
LINK
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Cooch's Bullshit Meter Went Off...
First of all, you should know that I hate Barry Bonds, the player.
But, are these fuckwads telling me that they found a positive match for steroids from a 2004 sample?! Like they hadn't thought about testing this shit out years ago, or they've finally just gotten around to it? Seriously?
---
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3881897&campaign=rss&source=ESPNHeadlines
Updated: February 3, 2009, 3:10 PM ET
Report: Retested Bonds sample positive
ESPN.com news services
A urine sample that Barry Bonds submitted as part of Major League Baseball's anonymous testing program in 2003 has come back positive for PEDs, according to a New York Times report.
Bonds provided samples that did not test positive under that program, but the samples were re-examined by federal authorities after they were seized in a 2004 raid, The Times reported on Tuesday, citing people familiar with the matter.
Citing a person who has reviewed the evidence in the case, The Times reported last week that authorities detected anabolic steroids in urine samples linked to Bonds that they gathered in their investigation. It remains unclear, the newspaper said, whether the '03 urine sample and the samples seized in the feds' raid in '04 are the same.
Bonds testified to a federal grand jury investigating the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative in 2003 that he used "the cream" and "the clear" but did not know they were performance-enhancing drugs. During that testimony, Bonds was asked if he ever took steroids, and he answered no.
The government alleges that Bonds lied under oath. His perjury trial is scheduled to begin March 2 in San Francisco.
Bonds' lawyers filed a motion last month asking Judge Susan Illston, who is presiding over the career home run leader's case, to exclude several pieces of evidence, including those 2003 urine samples.
Illston issued an order Monday saying that, on Wednesday morning, she will unseal some of the evidence gathered by prosecutors in the case. Illston informed defense lawyers she was rejecting their motion to file a series of documents under seal.
The defense had argued that making the material public now could hinder Bonds' ability to get a fair trial. However, Illston said she received a letter from media representatives on Jan. 30 requesting that the sealing order be lifted, and she ruled Monday that releasing the documents would not impair Bonds' Sixth Amendment right to a fair trial.
But, are these fuckwads telling me that they found a positive match for steroids from a 2004 sample?! Like they hadn't thought about testing this shit out years ago, or they've finally just gotten around to it? Seriously?
---
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3881897&campaign=rss&source=ESPNHeadlines
Updated: February 3, 2009, 3:10 PM ET
Report: Retested Bonds sample positive
ESPN.com news services
A urine sample that Barry Bonds submitted as part of Major League Baseball's anonymous testing program in 2003 has come back positive for PEDs, according to a New York Times report.
Bonds provided samples that did not test positive under that program, but the samples were re-examined by federal authorities after they were seized in a 2004 raid, The Times reported on Tuesday, citing people familiar with the matter.
Citing a person who has reviewed the evidence in the case, The Times reported last week that authorities detected anabolic steroids in urine samples linked to Bonds that they gathered in their investigation. It remains unclear, the newspaper said, whether the '03 urine sample and the samples seized in the feds' raid in '04 are the same.
Bonds testified to a federal grand jury investigating the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative in 2003 that he used "the cream" and "the clear" but did not know they were performance-enhancing drugs. During that testimony, Bonds was asked if he ever took steroids, and he answered no.
The government alleges that Bonds lied under oath. His perjury trial is scheduled to begin March 2 in San Francisco.
Bonds' lawyers filed a motion last month asking Judge Susan Illston, who is presiding over the career home run leader's case, to exclude several pieces of evidence, including those 2003 urine samples.
Illston issued an order Monday saying that, on Wednesday morning, she will unseal some of the evidence gathered by prosecutors in the case. Illston informed defense lawyers she was rejecting their motion to file a series of documents under seal.
The defense had argued that making the material public now could hinder Bonds' ability to get a fair trial. However, Illston said she received a letter from media representatives on Jan. 30 requesting that the sealing order be lifted, and she ruled Monday that releasing the documents would not impair Bonds' Sixth Amendment right to a fair trial.
Monday, February 02, 2009
John W. Henry to enter into holy matrimony...again
Red Sox owner John Henry is getting married again. Henry, whose divorce from his second wife, Peggy, was finalized last year, proposed to Linda Pizzuti (inset) in New York, and the pair is planning to get married in June. "We are happily engaged," the raven-haired bride-to-be confirmed in a text message to us yesterday. It will be the first marriage for Pizzuti, who has been dating the millionaire businessman since she was introduced to him last summer at Alibi, the bar at the Liberty Hotel. Henry, the 59-year-old founder of the Boca Raton-based investment firm John W. Henry & Co., has one daughter from his 14-year marriage to Peggy. He was also married once before.
Pizzuti, 30, is from Lynnfield, and she and her family are in the real estate development business.
Hope negotiating the pre-nup was easier than Tek's contract
Pizzuti, 30, is from Lynnfield, and she and her family are in the real estate development business.
Hope negotiating the pre-nup was easier than Tek's contract
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Red Sox Top 11 Prospects: From Baseball Prospectus
Future Shock
Red Sox Top 11 Prospects
by Kevin Goldstein
BOSTON RED SOX
Five-Star Prospects
1. Lars Anderson, 1B
2. Michael Bowden, RHP
Four-Star Prospects
3. Josh Reddick, RF
4. Daniel Bard, RHP [side note: Cooch has seen this guy pitching for the Sea Dogs; dude hit 101 on the radar a couple of times and his heat was consistently in the 98-100mph range. However, he had zero control over his breaking balls.]
Three-Star Prospects
5. Ryan Westmoreland, CF
6. Casey Kelly, RHP/SS
7. Michael Almanzar, 3B
8. Nick Hagadone, LHP
9. Junichi Tazawa, RHP
10. Bryan Price, RHP
11. Ryan Kalish, CF
Just Missed: Derek Gibson, SS; Yamaico Navarro, SS; Stolmey Pimentel, RHP
Ranking Challenges:
Anderson was a clear choice to top this list, and Bowden edges in behind him at second by being a touch ahead of the two four-star prospects. There are difficulties with all of the players from there on down, as they have a wide, even array of attributes and faults; youth, upside, and a lack of experience, as well as injuries to players like Westmoreland, Hagadone, and Kalish (and the last still has lingering concerns about wrist surgery he had before the '08 season). Tazawa's circumstances are unusual as well, as he's a Japanese player who is not quite ready for The Show, and has a performance record that is impossible to evaluate accurately. From the fifth spot to the last, it's all about the scouting reports, and based very little on the respective performances.
Red Sox Top 11 Prospects
by Kevin Goldstein
BOSTON RED SOX
Five-Star Prospects
1. Lars Anderson, 1B
2. Michael Bowden, RHP
Four-Star Prospects
3. Josh Reddick, RF
4. Daniel Bard, RHP [side note: Cooch has seen this guy pitching for the Sea Dogs; dude hit 101 on the radar a couple of times and his heat was consistently in the 98-100mph range. However, he had zero control over his breaking balls.]
Three-Star Prospects
5. Ryan Westmoreland, CF
6. Casey Kelly, RHP/SS
7. Michael Almanzar, 3B
8. Nick Hagadone, LHP
9. Junichi Tazawa, RHP
10. Bryan Price, RHP
11. Ryan Kalish, CF
Just Missed: Derek Gibson, SS; Yamaico Navarro, SS; Stolmey Pimentel, RHP
Ranking Challenges:
Anderson was a clear choice to top this list, and Bowden edges in behind him at second by being a touch ahead of the two four-star prospects. There are difficulties with all of the players from there on down, as they have a wide, even array of attributes and faults; youth, upside, and a lack of experience, as well as injuries to players like Westmoreland, Hagadone, and Kalish (and the last still has lingering concerns about wrist surgery he had before the '08 season). Tazawa's circumstances are unusual as well, as he's a Japanese player who is not quite ready for The Show, and has a performance record that is impossible to evaluate accurately. From the fifth spot to the last, it's all about the scouting reports, and based very little on the respective performances.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Theo Epstein keeps streak alive
With Papelbon signed, Theo keeps his streak alive of never going to arbitration in his career as Red Sox GM.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
A REMINDER ABOUT AN AMAZING SEASON BY A NEW HALL OF FAMER
Rickey Henderson was elected to the Hall of Fame... In a career full of impressive statistics, this one might top the list: Henderson scored 146 runs in 143 games for the 1985 Yankees. Since 1940 no other player has appeared in at least 50 games in a season and averaged at least one run per game.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Ladies and Gentlemen, Hall of Famer James Edward Rice
HENDERSON AND RICE ELECTED TO THE HALL OF FAME
For release Monday, January 12, 2009
Rickey Henderson, baseball's all-time stolen bases and runs scored leader, and power-hitting outfielder Jim Rice were elected to the National Baseball Hall of Fame by the Baseball Writers' Association of America in balloting verified by Ernst & Young. They will be inducted into the Hall July 26 at the Clark Sports Center in Cooperstown, N.Y.
Henderson and Rice will be honored along with former Yankees and Indians second baseman Joe Gordon, who was elected last month by the Veterans Committee. The July 26 Induction Ceremony will also include the presentation of the Ford C. Frick Award for broadcasting to Tony Kubek and the J.G. Taylor Spink Award for baseball writing to Nick Peters.
In the BBWAA election, 539 ballots, including two blanks, were cast by members with 10 or more consecutive years of service. Players must be named on 75 percent of ballots submitted to be elected. This year, 405 votes were required. Twenty-seven votes were needed to stay on the ballot.
Henderson was listed on 511 ballots (94.8%) to win election in his first year on the ballot. He becomes the 44th player to be elected by the BBWAA in his first year eligible.
Rice was listed on 412 ballots (76.4%) in his 15th and final time on the BBWAA ballot. He becomes the third player elected by the BBWAA in his final year of eligibility, following Red Ruffing (1967) and Ralph Kiner (1975). Rice received seven votes more than the minimum needed for election.
Link with hideous green background
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Friday, January 09, 2009
Preach it, Ricky!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Updated: January 8, 6:20 PM ET
Life of Reilly
By Rick Reilly
The Utes trampled Alabama to complete a perfect season. How are they not national champions?
Some gifts people give are pointless: Styling mousse to Dick Vitale. An all-you-can-eat card to Kate Moss. The BCS Championship given to Oklahoma or Florida. It means nothing because the BCS has no credibility. Florida? Oklahoma? Who cares? Utah is the national champion. The End. Roll credits. Argue with this, please. I beg you. Find me anybody else that went undefeated. Thirteen-and-zero. Beat four ranked teams. Went to the Deep South and seal-clubbed Alabama in the Sugar Bowl. The same Alabama that was ranked No. 1 for five weeks. The same Alabama that went undefeated in the regular season. The same Alabama that Florida beat in order to get INTO the BCS Championship game in the first place. Yeah, that's how it is now in the shameful, money-grubbing world of college football. If you're Florida and you beat Alabama, you get a seat in the title game. If you're Utah, you get a seat on your sofa. Hey, remind me: What do they give out for one of those BCS things anyway? It's been so long since I cared. Something from Sears? This is the sixth year in the past 10 that the title has been in dispute under this cash-grab, fan-dis, monopoly that the BCS has created. Which is why the title game just doesn't matter anymore. It's like being named Miss Ogallala. Or Best Amish Electrician. Just take a look at the teams that think they're worthy of being called national champs: USC? Great year. Wonderful. Let's all go to SkyBar and celebrate. But it lost to Oregon State, a team Utah beat. Texas? You think beating Ohio State by a nubby three points gets you the title? The Big Ten was 1-6 in bowl games! That's like pinning David Spade! Florida and Oklahoma? They lost. Utah never did. So that's it. Utah is the national champion. The Utes should probably have two now, actually. They went undefeated in 2004, too, and their coach still thinks they were the best team in the land. Smart fella named Urban Meyer. Coaches Florida now. By the way, we're calling our title the "national" championship because it actually includes the whole nation—all 119 Division I schools—unlike the BCS, which includes 66. Yeah, the BCS somehow eliminated the middleman—the NCAA. The conferences these schools play in take their dump trucks full of cash straight from the TV networks and fairness can go suck a lemon. The Utes won't get the trophy they really deserve, so we gave them one of our own design. Do me a favor. Call Ohio State president Gordon Gee and ask him why he won't support a playoff. He's one of the most powerful presidents in the NCAA. He could get it done. If he says anything other than, "We don't want to share the loot" then you know he's lying his bow tie off. "This is not how we normally do things in America," says Utah president Michael Young. "In America, quality usually wins, not conspiracy. And there's a reason people usually enter into a conspiracy. It's money. You make money doing it. And those that are in on the conspiracy want to stay in and keep everybody else out." Sure, BCS blowhards will hand you schlock about how the college football season is like a playoff, how it's an elimination tournament every week. Really? Well, how come Florida and Oklahoma weren't eliminated with their losses? Utah ran the table, beat everybody set in front of them, including Ala-damn-bama in no less than the Sugar Bowl, and gets the bagel. Oh, by the way? It was Utah's eighth straight bowl win, the nation's longest streak. Among the losers during that run? Let's see USC, Georgia Tech, Pittsburgh, and now the legendary Houndstooth Hats. "What else do we have to prove?" asks Utah's magical quarterback, Brian Johnson. Good question. He and the Utes essentially whipped Alabama at home. Handed Nick Saban a garlic necklace to wear the entire offseason. Stepped on his team's neck 21-0 in the first three possessions and never looked back. Let's see. Who was it that was losing to Alabama until nearly six minutes into the fourth quarter? Oh, yeah. Florida. What, you want the Utes to win a spelling bee? Make a prize-winning souffle? Knock up Angelina Jolie? What? It just slays me. It really does. Call Myles Brand, president of the asleep-at-the-wheel NCAA, and ask him if he and his greedy presidents are going to stand in defiance of president-elect Barack Obama, who said again this week he wants a playoff and wants it yesterday. Call Atlantic Coast Conference commissioner and BCS bully John Swofford and ask him what he's going to do if Obama starts asking the Justice Department to look into anti-trust violations against the BCS. The Utah attorney general has already launched an investigation into that very thing. Ask him what he'll do if Obama asks the Department of Education to consider withholding federal funds from these schools that have entered into his secret club. You don't think playing in the title game means millions in general-fund donations for a school? That's as unfair as anything Title IX fought against. Until all these people do the right thing, I'll be celebrating with the true national champions — the undefeated, untied Utah Utes. (Our new slogan: Utahk about a team!) Lemonades for everybody!
Updated: January 8, 6:20 PM ET
Life of Reilly
By Rick Reilly
The Utes trampled Alabama to complete a perfect season. How are they not national champions?
Some gifts people give are pointless: Styling mousse to Dick Vitale. An all-you-can-eat card to Kate Moss. The BCS Championship given to Oklahoma or Florida. It means nothing because the BCS has no credibility. Florida? Oklahoma? Who cares? Utah is the national champion. The End. Roll credits. Argue with this, please. I beg you. Find me anybody else that went undefeated. Thirteen-and-zero. Beat four ranked teams. Went to the Deep South and seal-clubbed Alabama in the Sugar Bowl. The same Alabama that was ranked No. 1 for five weeks. The same Alabama that went undefeated in the regular season. The same Alabama that Florida beat in order to get INTO the BCS Championship game in the first place. Yeah, that's how it is now in the shameful, money-grubbing world of college football. If you're Florida and you beat Alabama, you get a seat in the title game. If you're Utah, you get a seat on your sofa. Hey, remind me: What do they give out for one of those BCS things anyway? It's been so long since I cared. Something from Sears? This is the sixth year in the past 10 that the title has been in dispute under this cash-grab, fan-dis, monopoly that the BCS has created. Which is why the title game just doesn't matter anymore. It's like being named Miss Ogallala. Or Best Amish Electrician. Just take a look at the teams that think they're worthy of being called national champs: USC? Great year. Wonderful. Let's all go to SkyBar and celebrate. But it lost to Oregon State, a team Utah beat. Texas? You think beating Ohio State by a nubby three points gets you the title? The Big Ten was 1-6 in bowl games! That's like pinning David Spade! Florida and Oklahoma? They lost. Utah never did. So that's it. Utah is the national champion. The Utes should probably have two now, actually. They went undefeated in 2004, too, and their coach still thinks they were the best team in the land. Smart fella named Urban Meyer. Coaches Florida now. By the way, we're calling our title the "national" championship because it actually includes the whole nation—all 119 Division I schools—unlike the BCS, which includes 66. Yeah, the BCS somehow eliminated the middleman—the NCAA. The conferences these schools play in take their dump trucks full of cash straight from the TV networks and fairness can go suck a lemon. The Utes won't get the trophy they really deserve, so we gave them one of our own design. Do me a favor. Call Ohio State president Gordon Gee and ask him why he won't support a playoff. He's one of the most powerful presidents in the NCAA. He could get it done. If he says anything other than, "We don't want to share the loot" then you know he's lying his bow tie off. "This is not how we normally do things in America," says Utah president Michael Young. "In America, quality usually wins, not conspiracy. And there's a reason people usually enter into a conspiracy. It's money. You make money doing it. And those that are in on the conspiracy want to stay in and keep everybody else out." Sure, BCS blowhards will hand you schlock about how the college football season is like a playoff, how it's an elimination tournament every week. Really? Well, how come Florida and Oklahoma weren't eliminated with their losses? Utah ran the table, beat everybody set in front of them, including Ala-damn-bama in no less than the Sugar Bowl, and gets the bagel. Oh, by the way? It was Utah's eighth straight bowl win, the nation's longest streak. Among the losers during that run? Let's see USC, Georgia Tech, Pittsburgh, and now the legendary Houndstooth Hats. "What else do we have to prove?" asks Utah's magical quarterback, Brian Johnson. Good question. He and the Utes essentially whipped Alabama at home. Handed Nick Saban a garlic necklace to wear the entire offseason. Stepped on his team's neck 21-0 in the first three possessions and never looked back. Let's see. Who was it that was losing to Alabama until nearly six minutes into the fourth quarter? Oh, yeah. Florida. What, you want the Utes to win a spelling bee? Make a prize-winning souffle? Knock up Angelina Jolie? What? It just slays me. It really does. Call Myles Brand, president of the asleep-at-the-wheel NCAA, and ask him if he and his greedy presidents are going to stand in defiance of president-elect Barack Obama, who said again this week he wants a playoff and wants it yesterday. Call Atlantic Coast Conference commissioner and BCS bully John Swofford and ask him what he's going to do if Obama starts asking the Justice Department to look into anti-trust violations against the BCS. The Utah attorney general has already launched an investigation into that very thing. Ask him what he'll do if Obama asks the Department of Education to consider withholding federal funds from these schools that have entered into his secret club. You don't think playing in the title game means millions in general-fund donations for a school? That's as unfair as anything Title IX fought against. Until all these people do the right thing, I'll be celebrating with the true national champions — the undefeated, untied Utah Utes. (Our new slogan: Utahk about a team!) Lemonades for everybody!
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Elias Says...
CELTS AND CAVS LOSE ON SAME DAY? TWICE IN ONE WEEK?
For exactly 28 years-spanning December 30, 1980 to December 30, 2008-there was never a day on which two NBA teams with winning percentages of at least .800 through at least 30 games of the season both lost. It's now happened twice in the past six days as the Celtics and Cavaliers both lost last Tuesday and again on Sunday.
Updated: January 4, 2009
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Did you know?
* Free agent pitcher Derek Lowe is the only Major Leaguer with ten-plus years of experience and has never been on the disabled list. Michael Young has seven years and 134 days of experience.
Linky goodness
Linky goodness
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
