John Burkett's Blazing Heat

Regarding John Burkett, whose fastball tops out at 84mph (June 15, 2003; Sox are playing the Astros):

Lavinius: Wagner's change-up is faster than Burkett's fastball...

Thick: it's got more movement, too!

We fucking hate the Yankees...

On the heels of the Red Sox 13-1 win over St. Louis and the Yankees getting no-hit at home for the first time since the invention of the Color TV (June 12, 2003):

Lavinius: The Sox and Yanks…combined for 19 hits! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Todd Walker...

On Todd Walker, the Red Sox’ current second baseman, whom after 55+ games, has eight errors (June 4, 2003)

Thick: todd walker has less range than bruce hornsby!!!

Lavinius: Thank you Peter Gammons.

Thick: dude can't catch up to an ice cream truck!

Lavinius: He's sporting a new pair of Nike's. Air Cement.

Lavinius Loves the Buffalo Bills...

On the Bills signing veteran wideout James Jett, who turns 105 this year (2003)

Lavinius: Man I was worried about them [the Bills]. They hadn't signed anybody in a while. PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Dude's 32 years old, but homeboy still has some wheels at this stage of his career...

Thick: he's done. you'd be better off signing the old punter named jett...

Lavinius: Hey, it was for one year and the vet minimum. Win/win situation. They're looking for another speed guy to line up opposite of E-Moulds.

Thick: the only speed you'll see from him is the shit he’s sellin' from his locker!!!

Thick Loves Tanyon...

Thick’s obsession with Tanyon goes too far:

(Note: The following “press release” is ficticious and is not intended to violate any state, local, or federal laws)

NEWS RELEASE * BREAKING NEWS

BLUE JAYS PITCHER TAKES RESTRAINING ORDER OUT ON OBSESSED FAN IN PORTLAND, ME
by Lavinius

TORONTO ONTARIO CANADA- Blue Jays pitcher Tanyon Sturtze has taken out a restraining order on a baseball fan in Portland, Maine, the team announced this afternoon. The fan, reportedly 31 year old simply known to all as "Cooch," has been email bombing Sturtze's mailbox as well as bombarding him with non-stop phone calls and letters. Sturze initially shrugged Cooch's gestures as "obsessed admiration", but things reached the boiling point when Cooch was caught breaking into Sturtze's residence outside of Toronto this past weekend, armed with a life-size poster of the Blue Jays hurler as well as a bouquet of flowers.

"Man, enough is enough", Sturtze said, following his victory over the Red Sox Wednesday night. "At first I was flattered by his gestures, but this dude just won't stop humping my leg. Look, I appreciate his admiration and all, but come on, I'm not THAT good. Throughout my brief career, I've gotten my ass handed to me. Yet this Cooch guy sends me email saying he loves me. I just don't get it."

Cooch's friend, Lavinius of Deerfield Beach, FL (formerly of the Boston area), and a frequent recepient of Cooch's emails of admiration towards Sturtze, had this to say to the Ontario media:

"Guys, you don't know the fu**ing half of it! For the past two years (or was it three?), I've had to field these fu**ing emails of admiration as well. I think he was CC'ing the emails he sent to Tanyon and sending them to me. I keep telling the guy to cool his puppy love, but it just won't stop. I just received an email today from him that Sturtze should win the Cy Young. Guy's freakin' crazy. It's only April! Even when he was letting up 7 runs a game last year, he was still sending me emails about how the Sox should get him. But in retrospect, maybe he was right, since Pedro is our only fu**ing good starter right now. But getting back to the matter. His obsession with Tanyon is spreading like fungus on a whore's a** after screwing in poison ivy all day. I was waiting for Tanyon to finally take the restraining order out. And finally, he did it. Thank you Tanyon! Now *I* love you!

Cooch, who was distraught when he heard the news, was not available for comment.

Ragging on Daaaaaaaaaryl

LAVINIUS: Did you hear the Yankees hired back Strawberry? He's going to appear on the jumbotron jumping up and down with a crack pipe in his mouth. They're going to call him the rally junkie.