2005 MLB Midwest Tour Chronicles: Day 2 "I friggin HATE getting up early!"

June 6, 2004
Tage Inn
Manchester, NH

Did I mention I hate getting up early?

When I say that, I'm not talking about 8:00am early. I'm talking getting up at an hour of the morning so early, the roosters are still sleeping. That's exactly what was in store for the Coochman and myself.

We had arranged for a 4:00am wake-up call (which are always fun) as well as set the alarm on the clock/radio the night before to go off at 4:15, just to cover our asses.

Well, I had woken up around 4, but I was still laying in bed half comatose. Whenever I have to get up that early, I milk every single friggin minute of rest until the utters of time run dry.

It had gotten to be 4:05...then 4:10...still no wake-up call from the front desk. Finally, at 4:15 the alarm goes off. This wakes Cooch out of his deep sleep. He then gets out of bed and hits the shower.

While Cooch was in the shower, at 4:23, our wake-up call finally came. They were only 23 minutes late, but it was still much appreciated. NOT!

After I showered up, Cooch and I went downstairs for the hotel's complimentary breakfast. Homefolks (a combination of homeboys and homegirls) at the Tage Inn spared no expense. They had a Belgian Waffle iron along with cups of waffle batter for guests to make their own waffles. At 5:00am, Cooch and I were the first ones down there, and we took full advantage of the waffles. That was some good shizzle.

After downing the waffles, it was time to head to the airport. To our dismay, Mallory the Shuttle wench wasn't working first shift. Cooch and I were hoping she did shuttling 24/7, but she let us down. We just needed that bubbly personality that early in the morning. But the only thing bubbly on Mallory was her ass, belly, and flapjack arms. (Mallory, if you're reading this, I'm only kidding. If you're not, I'm not kidding and mean everything I say. Just to show you how bad I feel, enjoy a few cookies at the front desk...on me).

Fast forward to the flight to Chicago, which was uneventful for the most part. We got in around 7:45 central time. Both our cell phones automatically adjusted the clock to reflect central time, which was effin cool. I don't get out of the eastern time zone too much, so seeing the clock on my phone changing had me awe-struck.

Next order of bidness once we were at Chicago Midway was get our luggage at baggage claim. I think we each had one bag, and if I recall we didn't have to wait long for 'em.

After getting our luggage, it was time to pick up our rental car at Budget, which was located in the airport parking garage. Leave it to our retarded, no navigation skills selves to have trouble finding the fucking thing. We must have walked around in circles three times and went upstairs once or twice for no reason at all. Finally, we came to our senses and asked the chick at the Budget counter where to go, since apparantly her directions didn't register the first time. Half of us mentally was still asleep at the Tage Inn in Manchester.

About a half hour later, we finally found the Budget station in the parking garage, got our car, and from there, we were off to Wisconsin.

Our jaunt to Milwaukee was deathly boring. We got a crash course on what it was like to drive in Wisconsin. If you find miles upon miles of grass fields and farmland interesting, then driving in Wisconsin is for you, but the rest of us...find some other forms of entertainment because the scenery sure ain't gonna give you any.

Eventually, when we regained our bearings, we hit a local mall to get some info on the local attractions. One place we decided to hit was the Harley-Davidson plant about 15 minutes to the north. So that's what we did. It was a pretty cool. We got a narrated tour of the plant. Since it was so loud in there, our tour guide handed out headsets. The guide spoke into a microphone which was supposed to resonate into our headsets, but I could barely pick out a cotdamn thing. I must have gotten the headset from Mars or something. But it was pretty interesting to actually go into the factory where they make Harley's and check out the process that goes into making those kick-ass bikes.

As good as the Harley tour was, it paled in comparison to the one tour I was looking forward to doing in Milwaukee- the Miller Brewing Plant tour.

That tour was solid, even taking into account that our tour was hijacked by Will. When he skipped into the auditorium with his little flower basket by his side and daisy in his hair, my gaydar started going crazy. Not to mention it was a real wood killer considering we had a cute chick leading us into the auditorium for the introductory film on Miller Beer.

Overall, the tour was real good, but it could have done without Richard Simmons' Godson. The best part of the tour was easily the free beer! We claimed our beer in the famed Miller Beer Garden. It's amazing how fresh the beer tastes at the plant versus at the bar or in a restaurant when it's already lost some of its freshness. Cooch and I agreed that the complimentary beer was excellent. Each of us went back for three.

They even offered people a chance to send postcards (postage paid) to people, so Cooch and I cranked out a few posties to peeps back home.

After the tours, we were starving like mofos. We were looking for this one place to eat, but we were never able to find it because the numbering on the street was all fucked up, so we settled on eating at this place nearby on the riverfront. I forgot what it was called, but I had some of the best steak there that I've ever had. Cooch I believe got steak fajitas. He seemed to enjoy his food, too.

After our meal, it was time to head to Miller Park to watch the Yankees and Brewers. To our surprise, we got to see "the Big Unit" Randy Johnson pitch for the Yankees. We had no idea he was pitching because we never checked, but it was a nice surprise. With us being die hard Sox fans, we were rooting for the unit to get shelled like a fucking oyster.

Unit didn't exactly get shelled, but that big ugly bastahd was laboring the entire night. He was over 100 pitches at the end of five innings. Milwaukee had jumped out to a 3-0 lead on him, but the Yankees came back and tied it at 3-3 when Brew Crew starter Doug Davis couldn't find the strike zone all of a sudden.

It stayed tied 3-3 until Junior Spivey jacked a solo shot off the Unit to give the Brewers a 4-3 lead.

Score stayed that way into the 9th. Brewers brought closer Turnbow into the game, who is one of the select few big leaguers sporting a mullet. Someone should tell him the 80's called and they want their mullet back.

Anyway, shit got tense in the 9th. Yanks put a couple of baserunners on with either zero or one out. Looked like they were gonna tie it. But the game ended when the right fielder made a nice running catch on a liner by Jeter. It was a sweet catch that ended up being a Sportscenter Top Play.

What a way to start the trip...seeing the Yankees lose.

The Yankees weren't the only thing to fall in Milwaukee that night. On our way out to our car, which took about an hour to find (Stevie Wonder has better navagational skills), we spot this woman in the parking lot laying unconscious on her back. A guy was kneeling over her trying to get her to come to her senses. When I first saw her, she looked like she was dead. I was getting ready to perform CPR. Cooch asked the guy if he should call for help. Finally the guy got the woman to show signs of life. She said something inaudible and then passed out again. Never seen anything like that in my life. It had to be that Milwaukee beer.

Alright, I'm at that point in the blog that I have to ask a very important question.

Are any of you still reading this? If you are, you've got an attention span the size of Mallory's watermelon asscheeks.

By the time we got in the car, it was 10:30 and time to drive to Bloomington, IL...which was about 200 miles away.

Leave it to us to get lost.

Now, it didn't help that Wisconsin hasn't adapted to 20th century technology of lights on the highway. We got as far as the Illinois border...then we stopped for gas and asked for directions from two different people. Of course, we got two different sets of directions, which isn't a good combination when you have a couple of guys who are navagationally impaired.

Finally...at 2:30am, we got to our hotel in Bloomington. By that time, we had been awake nearly 24 hours!

What a day! It was time for some much needed sleep...

2005 MLB Midwest Tour Chronicles: Day 1A Dolefully Ominous Beginning...

DAY 1: June 5 2005

Severe scattered thunderstorms and tornadic activity forced Lavinius and Cooch to change their original flight plans - instead of arriving at Chicago Midway Airport by 6:35 p.m. via Southwest Airlines flight 709 (out of the Manchester, NH airport), they chose to take the 6:30 a.m. flight 1541 the following morning.

Overnight accomodations: The Tage Inn in Manchester, NH. With complimentary shuttle service to/fro the airport and the Manchester area, there really wasn't much of a decision to make regarding our overnight stay. Shuttle service was "gladly" rendered by Mallory (aka The Shuttle Bitch). I say "gladly" because the bitch had the sense of humor comparible to a bag of rocks - minus the good looks and charm...

We decided to venture out instead of stay couped up in the hotel - our mission was to find some high-quality grub (actually, we didn't care so much about the quality, we were fucking hungry and it was getting late). The receptionist at the Tage Inn suggested Billy's Pub, an apparent well-renkowned sports pub in the area, so Lavinius and I took off, escorted by The Shuttle Bitch.

Let's just say that Billy's Pub was in a shady neighborhood - some Wigga tried to climb an adjacent 3-story aparment complex Spiderman-style [read: scaling the apartment from the outside porches] with a cigarette in his mouth; apparently the cost of the cigarette was much larger than the likely surgery he'd need on his fractured skull, because he didn't want to leave the cigarette behind -- even if that meant he'd plunge to his death since one hand was too busy handling the burning butt instead of gripping the balconies with both hands... Two men on the third floor were drinking beer, encouraging Spiderman to climb upstairs from the outside, rather than use the staircase, which was directly in front of these clowns. Anyway, Spiderman made it without incident - and more importantly, his cigarette was still intact.

Inside Billy's Pub, Lavinius downed some chili and Cooch had a Bison burger - the grub was as good as advertised... Back to the hotel for us, though, because we had a long day ahead...

Day 1 was over. We had little more than 4 hours of sleep before our plane flew out the following day... It was a dolefully ominous beginning to a trip - nasty weather was projected in the Midwest region for the next 10 days...

belated trivia regarding may 20 and jason varitek...

For the fifth straight year, C Jason Varitek homered on May 20. His home run in the second [inning] was his ninth [of the season], trailing both OF Manny Ramirez and DH David Ortiz by one for the team lead. ...

Hey Cooch...

I lifted the lifetime ban. Feel free to post now... :)

Lavinius's bet w/ his Celtics fan friend, revisited

For those that are not familiar with the backstory and/or are memory deficient and/or suffer from amnesia, allow me to reference the original post, dated February 24, 2005...

TITLE: So I Have a Friend Who is a Celtics Fan
LINK: February 2005 archives- Scroll Down

My buddy has always been a huge Antoine Walker fan. So much so that his poster is absolutely covered with.......but that's besides the point...

Anyway, he's obviously elated that the Celtics got Walker back in a trade. He's been text messaging me expressing his elation. He even went so far as to say that the Celtics could "go further" than Detroit!

For the record, in addition to being a Red Sox, Marlins, and Bills fan, I'm also a Detroit Pistons fan, so this text message was definitely intended on getting a reaction out of me. How did I react, you ask? Here is my text message back to him, verbatim:

"You willing to back that up with more than just a silly claim? 20 bucks. You owe me 20 if the Stons (editor's note: short for "Pistons") go further. I owe you 20 if the C's (editor's note: short for "Celtics") go further. We got a bet?"

The big homer that he is, he replies back with "Sure."

Haha, I love it! I don't think he was expecting me to reply back with a "put your money where your mouth is" ultimatum. With my buddy being a prideful guy, I forced his hand. He would have looked utterly spineless and gutless had he declined. He had no choice but to take the bet, a bet in all likelihood he is going to lose.

I'd be very curious to know how many people outside of the Boston and Detroit areas, and how many non-Boston and non-Detroit fans would have taken that bet with me? I can't imagine it's something that the average neutral observer would have taken me up on.

----

Well, it's now May 8th, 2005. The Pistons have long since advanced to the 2nd round, while the Celtics, as advertised, have made an early exit. I plan on collecting on my $20 when I go up for my buddy's wedding, the same buddy I made the bet with. I hope him looking me in the eye as a defeated man handing me that crisp Andrew Jackson won't tarnish his wedding day weekend too much...

Ultimately, Twan made them a better team. But he was not going to elevate the Celtics to a championship level. Twan will now most likely leave the Celtics in the off-season and go to another team where he can shoot his trademark 42% from the floor and jack up ill-advised shot after ill advised shot. Happy trails, Twan, and thanks for helping me win $20. I'd give you a share, but you stole enough money from the Celtics already...

Moral of the story: Logical thinking beats emotional thinking everyday of the week and twice on Sunday

Toronto at Yankees: Wang vs. Bush! (I shit you not)

I believe we have a first folks! This will be the first pitching match-up in major league history where a Wang goes against a Bush. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

For more details on this highly anticipated matchup, click here

Lavinius and Cooch 2005 Midwest Swing

June 5: Fly into Chicago (Midway), rent car, drive to Milwaukee, check into hotel.

June 6: Milwaukee, WI, possible side trip to Lambeau Field if time permits, NY Yankees @ Milwaukee Brewers, Miller Park

June 6 (very late night after Brewers game)- Drive to St. Louis, MO, but stop over in Bloomington, IL to ease drive-load...check into hotel

June 7: Finish drive to St. Louis, MO...check into hotel, sightsee

June 8: More sightseeing, Boston Red Sox @ St. Louis Cardinals, Busch Stadium

June 9: Sightsee around St. Louis, or side excursion, or drive to Chicago, IL?

June 10: Drive to Chicago, IL and check into hotel, sightsee

June 11: Sightsee, possible side excursion, 100-200 mi day trip

June 12: ESPN Sunday Night Baseball, Red Sox @ Cubs, Wrigley Field, Lavinius & Cooch will be Front & Center!

June 13: Arizona D-Backs @ Chicago White Sox, U.S. Cellular Field

June 14: Head back to Florida (Lavinius) and Maine (Cooch), respectively

Mother of the Year

Police: Woman sold daughter for car
Second daughter allegedly forced into prostitution
Wednesday, April 13, 2005 Posted: 8:07 AM EDT (1207 GMT)


OKEECHOBEE, Florida (AP) -- A woman was arrested for allegedly forcing her 12-year-old daughter into prostitution and trading a 14-year-old daughter for a car.

The 39-year-old woman was charged with aggravated child abuse and sexual performance by a child. Both girls have been turned over to the Department of Children & Families.

The youngest girl and her mother were living out of their car, and would sell sex for food and an occasional shower at the men's homes, according to a report by Okeechobee County Sheriff's Detective K.J. Ammons.

The youngest daughter is three months pregnant, the report said; she was 11 when her mother first forced her to have sex with a man. The older daughter refused to be a prostitute and was allegedly sold for a car.

"She was sold to a man for a Mercury Cougar," Ammons said. "But he never gave the mother the vehicle." He was arrested in the case.

The youngest girl told detectives her mother took them out of school. "She said she was a good student and made A's and B's, and all she wants to do is go back to school," he said.

remind me to kick punxsutawney phil's ass next time i see him...

ya know, i can handle the 25 degree weather at 7 a.m. - springtime in maine might not be the warmest climate in the states, but, c'mon, it's snowing!!!

snowing on april 12th? are you kidding me?

Red Sox' Opening Day vs. Yankees at Fenway

Red Sox 8, Stinkees 1
Monday, April 11, 2005

Just some observations:

1. bellhorn kept up with his magic number of strikeouts per game - two. he has k'd twice in 5 of 7 games. the other two games, you ask? 0 Ks and 3 Ks. so, that's 2 or more strikeouts in 6 of 7 games... good plate discipline bellhorn, keep it up!

2. you think arod's a bit nervous to play against the sox? in 7 games this young season, he's got 2 errors - both against the sox. of course, his first error of the season cost the yankees that game. i don't even need to mention that gay hand-slap he tried against bronson arroyo in the '04 alcs - or how he choked in the alcs - i think you get my drift.

3. are there any 1bman out there worse than jason giambi? anywhere? he was conveniently sitting out the fenway season opener - tino martinez, who's got to be about 49 by now, got the start. giambi's made 3 errors in 6 games. he's absolutely horrendous with the glove. now that he's off the 'roids, he's totally fucking useless. talk about dead money. what, he's on pace to hit maybe 25 HRs this year? but he's on pace to make about 70 errors! seems to be a bit overpaid at $13.4 million this season don't ya think?

4. speaking of severely overpaid... can this be right? mussina's scheduled to make $19mn this year... BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAH A AHHAHAHAHAHAHAH *choking* and bernie williams will make over $12mn! BWAHAHHA AHAHAH AHAHA.

MLB '05 Opening Day: Red Sox vs. the Yankees at Yankee Stadium

Red Sox 2, Stinkees 9
Sunday, April 3, 2005


Just a few observations:

1. Mark Bellhorn is already in midseason form, continuing where he left off last year - that is, leading the league in strikeouts! After his 3 whiffs in the MLB '05 season opener, he's on pace to strikeout 486 times...

2. I heart Tanyon Sturtze. Sturtze, who is allegedly being stalked by Cooch, opened the season with two perfect innings of work against Cooch's beloved Red Sox. He is certainly the front-runner for the Cy Young award (ah, Sturtze, not Cooch)...

3. Speaking of perfect games: had it not been for the 2 hit-batsmen, walk, balk, and 10 hits in 4.1 innings, David Wells would have also been on pace for a perfect game! BWAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHH

Byung-Hyun Kim Reacquired by the Red Sox

FORT MYERS, Fla. -- The Boston Red Sox traded reliever Byung-Hyun Kim to the Colorado Rockies, calling the $10 million, two-year deal they gave him in 2004 "a mistake."

Just two days later, the Sox reacquired his services for cash considerations and a player to be named later. "We didn't realize the true effect of Kim leaving the organization," stated General Manager Theo Epstein. Two nearby rice-shops and multiple sushi bars closed down, citing a lack of business, formerly supported by Kim. "Kim, his 32 brothers and sisters, parents, and great-grandparents used to visit us daily," said a local shop owner. "Now, he's no longer in Beantown, no longer our customer. We simply cannot survive without his business."

Oh, yeah. Happy April Fools...

Antoine Walker is not The Answer

cooch: when the game's on the line, down the stretch, it doesn't matter if your guy has 40 points in the game if he can't hit a couple of clutch ones w/ time winding down... twan's not great, period.

lavinius: ...in the end, he's going to kill you with some of the worst shooting you'll ever see since Stevie Wonder tried duck hunting...

cooch: i've seen better shots in a b-rated porno...

lavinius: Canseco said in his book that Twan tried to shoot himself with steroids and missed...

BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

Gives new meaning to the term "finger foods"

Diner finds finger in chili

Officials: Diner finds finger in chili
Thursday, March 24, 2005 Posted: 8:48 AM EST (1348 GMT)

SAN FRANCISCO, California (Reuters) -- A diner at a Wendy's fast food restaurant in San Jose, California, found a human finger in a bowl of chili prepared by the chain, local officials said Wednesday.

"This individual apparently did take a spoonful, did have a finger in their mouth and then, you know, spit it out and recognized it," said Ben Gale, director of the department of environmental health for Santa Clara County. "Then they had some kind of emotional reaction and vomited."

Local officials launched an investigation after the incident Tuesday night and the medical examiner determined Wednesday that the object was a human finger.

Officials are trying to determine whether the finger came in the raw materials Wendy's used to prepare the chili, Gale said.

Wendy's International Inc. corporate office did not immediately return a call for comment. Wendy's is the third-largest hamburger chain.

Dude, I wish I didn't get a Dell!

Sup ladies and gents! Just returning from 20th century fucking purgatory as I've been without my laptop since Saturday. But, after dropping $700 down for a new motherboard and installation/diagnostics, I am muthafuckin back! This is a bigger return than Freddy fuckin Krueger, Jason, Mike Myers, and Rocky combined!

Oh, and Dell can friggin blow me. Their computers are on the same hash their former spokesman "Steve" is on...

Cooch's Random Isht Mix

1. twice as hard - the black crowes
2. lean back - terror squad
3. the red - chevelle
4. rock the casbah - the clash
5. foolin' - def leppard
6. the seed - the roots
7. here and now - luther vandross
8. the gift - jim brickman
9. cold hard bitch - jet
10. new york state of mind - tony bennett
11. santa monica - everclear
12. i'm already there - lonestar
13. calling all girls - rick springfield
14. place in this world - michael w. smith
15. rocket queen - guns n' roses
16. rock the casbah - the clash (DID I PUT THIS SONG ON TWICE?)
17. babe, i'm gonna leave you - great white
18. the dam at otter creek - live

insomniac music theater

it seems like the only time you can actually see a music video these days is if you happen to be watching insomniac music theater on vh1, say, at 3:30 a.m... now, the videos have been pretty good this morning (except for that latest shitty release by U2), but it's not like i'm going to set my clock to wake up at this time in order to watch music videos.

now that i think of it, that's why i fucking bought tivo.

that tangent aside, i'm watching my favorite new band's (velvet revolver) smokin' video, "dirty little thing." slash is tearin' up the fretboard as if he were still doing lines of coke and drinking whiskey like it was water for a deyhdrated dog. scott weiland couldn't possibly get any thinner; he should consider replacing the syringe in his arm with a protein feeding drip. doesn't much matter though, because the scantily-clad whores in the video are wearing sexy leather -- vinyl, maybe -- skimpy wear (p.s. i'm not offended by scantily-clad whores, so i say that in the most affectionate way).

for a stark contrast to the chicks in the velvet revolver videos, joss stone is subtly sexy. joss' latest, "right to be wrong," is now playing on the insomniac music theater. it's possible that i'm biased towards her because i have a penchant for tight-bodied young blonde chicks with great vocal range - but who can blame me?

keane weighed in with a good tune - "somewhere only we know" i think it is...

jet also chimed in with "look what you've done." good shizzle...

what i cannot believe, though, is that vh1 is spinning U2's video AGAIN. what? you mean i'm watching videos from 3:30 a.m. to 4:30 a.m. -- and of all the videos in the vault -- you subject me to U2 twice in that span? WTF? "sometimes you can't make it on your own" is the song... well, now that i've heard it twice within the hour, it's kind of growing on me... not sure why i hate U2 so much...

maybe because i just don't get enough sleep.

Man Severs Penis; Eats it

A 40-year-old man is recovering in hospital in The Philippines after cutting off his penis and eating it.

Asked about Ernesto Almonte's mental state, a hospital spokesman said: "If you cut your sex organ and then eat it, then something is wrong with you."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,12477927-13762,000.html

Lavinius = The Modern Day MacGyver

Funny story. This morning was trash day. My cat filled up his litter box because he's a very regular kitty. So like I always do, I dumped the "contents" of the litter box into the trash with the intentions of giving him a fresh batch of litter. One problem-- I was out of litter! So now here is this empty litter box with absolutely no signs of litter anywhere. With it being one in the morning, obviously all the stores are closed so I can't pick any up. So I really had to get creative. After racking my brain for 15 minutes and contemplating suicide, an idea popped into my head!

I decided to use sugar in place of litter. So I went in my fridge, took out a fairly large bag of it, and proceeded to empty the contents into his litter box. Unfortunately, all it did was cover the bottom. There wasn't enough sugar to give the litter any depth, so it was going to be tough for him to "bury his stash."

In any event, as luck would have it, five minutes after I poured the sugar in (and laughing my ass off), the cat goes in there. I'm thinking, "oh man, this is gonna be interesting." So the cat decides to take a nice long piss. And I mean long! How long? Tom Hanks long in A League of Their Own. If you haven't seen that, go rent it. But anyway, after a good five minutes of drainin' the lizard, he emerges from the box. I go over there to "assess the damages", and there's a fuckin flood in there! All the sugar I put in there was replaced with a pool of cat urin! I was repulsed! So quickly, I had to remedy the situation. I actually had some confectionary sugar in my fridge, too, so I took the package of that and started dumping it all over the cat piss until it was completely submerged underneath it. Luckilly, I had enough of the stuff to bury it completely.

I went to bed last night with my cat's litter consisting of both regular sugar and confectionary sugar. Hey, if that affects this years voting in the "Pet Owner of the Year" awards, so be it. But when I went downstairs this morning, I prayed that he didn't drop bombs in there. Luckilly, he didn't. No dookie sighting was a big plus! I had dodged a huge bullet. Who knew what kind of repugnant odor the combination of dookie, piss, granular sugar, and confectionary sugar would leave in my wonderful, fragrant home.

Not wanting the cat to provide a re-inactment of the tsunamis in Thailand with another five minute long pissfest, I embarked to BJ's to pick up a 33 lb container of litter. As funny as it would be to continue to watch him bury his dookie in sugar, he needs the litter, otherwise, he'll start tasting the litter and I'll have a diabetic cat.

Another thought before I bring this story to a close. Do you think this will influence neighbors coming over and asking for sugar?

Theo Thinks Like Lavinius and Cooch...

"I try to keep my distance from it. I don't want to catch anything. That thing has been passed around more often than Paris Hilton."

- Theo Epstein on the World Series trophy