The 19-year-old son of former baseball star Dwight Gooden was arrested for violating probation and faced additional charges of having marijuana and bullets in his car, police said.
Dwight Eugene Gooden Jr. was being held Monday without bond. A jail spokeswoman didn't know if he had an attorney.
Gooden Jr. was already wanted on an outstanding warrant of violating probation from a 2004 crack cocaine conviction. He was jailed early Sunday after officers found him outside a downtown Tampa club with 16 grams of marijuana and .44-caliber ammunition in his car, police spokesman Joe Durkin said.
He was charged with possession of marijuana, being a felon in possession of ammunition and violating probation.
Guess the apple didn't fall too far...
Friday, August 26, 2005
Thursday, August 25, 2005
10 Games for Steriods; 6 Games for...Milk?
Milk does a body good, but it didn't do good for one batboy.
On a dare, a Florida Marlins batboy tried to drink a gallon of milk in under an hour without throwing up. But not only did the batboy not succeed in the challenge, his mere attempt cost him his job for six games, the Miami Herald reported Wednesday.
The Marlins suspended the unidentified batboy for the team's upcoming six-game homestand against the Cardinals and Mets from Aug. 28 through Sept. 4 for accepting the dare Sunday from Dodgers pitcher (and former Marlin) Brad Penny.
Penny offered the batboy $500 if he could drink a gallon of milk in less than an hour before Sunday's game without throwing up. Penny told the paper the boy drank the milk and didn't throw up, but didn't finish the gallon in the allotted time frame to win the dare.
"It's kind of ridiculous that you get a 10-game suspension for steroids and a six-game suspension for milk," Penny told the Herald.
''It's ridiculous that they worry about stuff like that. It shows they [the Marlins organization] don't know anything about the game. That kind of stuff goes on everywhere. It didn't affect the way he worked, the way he did his job.''
Milk does a body good, but apparently doesn't do much for job security
On a dare, a Florida Marlins batboy tried to drink a gallon of milk in under an hour without throwing up. But not only did the batboy not succeed in the challenge, his mere attempt cost him his job for six games, the Miami Herald reported Wednesday.
The Marlins suspended the unidentified batboy for the team's upcoming six-game homestand against the Cardinals and Mets from Aug. 28 through Sept. 4 for accepting the dare Sunday from Dodgers pitcher (and former Marlin) Brad Penny.
Penny offered the batboy $500 if he could drink a gallon of milk in less than an hour before Sunday's game without throwing up. Penny told the paper the boy drank the milk and didn't throw up, but didn't finish the gallon in the allotted time frame to win the dare.
"It's kind of ridiculous that you get a 10-game suspension for steroids and a six-game suspension for milk," Penny told the Herald.
''It's ridiculous that they worry about stuff like that. It shows they [the Marlins organization] don't know anything about the game. That kind of stuff goes on everywhere. It didn't affect the way he worked, the way he did his job.''
Milk does a body good, but apparently doesn't do much for job security
Monday, August 22, 2005
a sincere thank-you to the yankees...
just wanted to thank the yankees for signing pitchers - and blocking the red sox from getting them - like randy johnson, carl pavano, jaret wright, and jose contreras... yanks' starters this year:
randy johnson, 4.34 era, 11-8 record, 29 HRs allowed in 26 games ($15mn+ per season)
carl pavano, 4.77 era, 4-6 record, 17 HRs in 17 games -- injured ($9 mn+ per season)
jaret wright, 7.62 era, 3-2 record, 7 HRs in 5 games -- coming off DL ($6mn per season)
thanks again!
randy johnson, 4.34 era, 11-8 record, 29 HRs allowed in 26 games ($15mn+ per season)
carl pavano, 4.77 era, 4-6 record, 17 HRs in 17 games -- injured ($9 mn+ per season)
jaret wright, 7.62 era, 3-2 record, 7 HRs in 5 games -- coming off DL ($6mn per season)
thanks again!
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
The Curt Schilling Experiment
After last night's debacle, we have been reassured that Schilling is not the Schilling of last year, and that he's not really suited for the closer role.
Although he's converted 9 of 11 save opportunities, most have been "cheap" saves. Here's the breakdown of his saves, by Red Sox leads:
4 run lead: 1 save
3 run lead: 5 saves
2 run lead: 2 saves
1 run lead: 1 save
Um, why not try out Mike Timlin?
Although he's converted 9 of 11 save opportunities, most have been "cheap" saves. Here's the breakdown of his saves, by Red Sox leads:
4 run lead: 1 save
3 run lead: 5 saves
2 run lead: 2 saves
1 run lead: 1 save
Um, why not try out Mike Timlin?
Friday, August 12, 2005
A trip down memory lane: Lavinius and Cooch meet former Sox top prospect John Curtice in Baltimore
I came across this article on ESPN.com which jogged some memories for me:
When Lavinius and Cooch wrapped up their 2004 MLB East Coast Swing in Baltimore, we ended up at a local sports pub near the inner harbor. As Lavinius and Cooch were downing tequila, B-52s, and butterscotch schnapps shots (in addition to a few draft beers), we ended up in the billiards room, watching a bunch of drunks gambling for table time. As it turns out, one of the lefty pool players was none other than John Curtice, former Red Sox draftee. Is was a pretty interesting conversation from that point forward, as Curtice was intrigued that Lavinius even knew about him -- and moreover, Lavinius knew that, although pronounced "Curtis," the Red Sox southpaw reliever's name was actually spelled "Curtice." Of course, Cooch was impressed by Lavinius' insane trivia recollection. Curtice ended up buying us a round or two of drinks (and offered us more) and he ended the night being chauffeured alongside two nice-looking ladies (that's right, he left the bar in a limo with two chicks). It appeared as though Curtice was living the style of a MLB player, although his career was cut short by injuries.
"I used to throw as hard as Randy Johnson," said Curtice when Cooch asked him what kind of stuff he had. "Usually around 94 m.p.h., but could hit 97-98 at times," Curtice continued. "I had a mean fastball, decent breaking pitch, and a change-up, and I was working on a slider," is what he said, from my recollection. Of course I didn't believe him - here's a guy who never made it to the majors, but had big-league stuff, and I thought he was pulling our chain. However, further research online suggested that Curtice just might be telling the truth.
Some of Curtice's honors included:
"Aug. 31, 2000: The Boston Red Sox traded Chris Reitsma and John Curtice to the Cincinnati Reds for Dante Bichette.
With a month left in the season, the Red Sox trailed the first-place Yankees by five games but were just one game behind the Indians, who topped the wild-card standings. Bichette's best days were obviously behind him -- he would soon turn 37 -- but the Red Sox were desperate, and Bichette had played fairly well for the Reds that season.
He continued to play well after joining the Red Sox, but it wasn't nearly enough, as the Sox faded and finished well behind the wild-card-winning Mariners."
When Lavinius and Cooch wrapped up their 2004 MLB East Coast Swing in Baltimore, we ended up at a local sports pub near the inner harbor. As Lavinius and Cooch were downing tequila, B-52s, and butterscotch schnapps shots (in addition to a few draft beers), we ended up in the billiards room, watching a bunch of drunks gambling for table time. As it turns out, one of the lefty pool players was none other than John Curtice, former Red Sox draftee. Is was a pretty interesting conversation from that point forward, as Curtice was intrigued that Lavinius even knew about him -- and moreover, Lavinius knew that, although pronounced "Curtis," the Red Sox southpaw reliever's name was actually spelled "Curtice." Of course, Cooch was impressed by Lavinius' insane trivia recollection. Curtice ended up buying us a round or two of drinks (and offered us more) and he ended the night being chauffeured alongside two nice-looking ladies (that's right, he left the bar in a limo with two chicks). It appeared as though Curtice was living the style of a MLB player, although his career was cut short by injuries.
"I used to throw as hard as Randy Johnson," said Curtice when Cooch asked him what kind of stuff he had. "Usually around 94 m.p.h., but could hit 97-98 at times," Curtice continued. "I had a mean fastball, decent breaking pitch, and a change-up, and I was working on a slider," is what he said, from my recollection. Of course I didn't believe him - here's a guy who never made it to the majors, but had big-league stuff, and I thought he was pulling our chain. However, further research online suggested that Curtice just might be telling the truth.
Some of Curtice's honors included:
- Baseball America best Red Sox Prospects: best fastball,#2 prospect
- Howe SportsData Teen Minor League Team: honorable mention
- 1998 Midwest League All-Star Game selection
- Baseball America: Red Sox Prospects Report: #7 prospect
- Baseball America: 1997 Red Sox Draft Analysis: hardest thrower
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Man dies after 50 hours of computer games
South Korean left seat in Internet cafe only to use toilet, take brief naps
SEOUL, South Korea - A South Korean man who played computer games for 50 hours almost non-stop died of heart failure minutes after finishing his mammoth session in an Internet cafe, authorities said on Tuesday.
The 28-year-old man, identified only by his family name Lee, had been playing online battle simulation games at the cybercafe in the southeastern city of Taegu, police said.
Lee had planted himself in front of a computer monitor to play online games on Aug. 3. He only left the spot over the next three days to go to the toilet and take brief naps on a makeshift bed, they said.
"We presume the cause of death was heart failure stemming from exhaustion," a Taegu provincial police official said by telephone.
Lee had recently quit his job to spend more time playing games, the daily JoongAng Ilbo reported after interviewing former work colleagues and staff at the Internet cafe.
After he failed to return home, Lee's mother asked his former colleagues to find him. When they reached the cafe, Lee said he would finish the game and then go home, the paper reported.
He died a few minutes later, it said.
South Korea, one of the most wired countries in the world, has a large and highly developed game industry.
Copyright 2005 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved. Republication or redistribution of Reuters content is expressly prohibited without the prior written consent of Reuters.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Stupid-Ass Red Sox Acquisition...
July 31, 2005:
Acquired outfielder Jose Cruz, Jr. from the Arizona Diamondbacks for infielder Kenny Perez and pitcher Kyle Bono.
August 9, 2005:
Designated outfielder Jose Cruz Jr. for assignment.
Can someone tell me why the Sox would give two prospects to rent a guy for 10 days?
Acquired outfielder Jose Cruz, Jr. from the Arizona Diamondbacks for infielder Kenny Perez and pitcher Kyle Bono.
August 9, 2005:
Designated outfielder Jose Cruz Jr. for assignment.
Can someone tell me why the Sox would give two prospects to rent a guy for 10 days?
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Mariano Rivera by the numbers in 2005...
Hopefully this post jinxes the Yankee bastard!
In his first two appearances of the season -- against the Red Sox -- Rivera blew both saves, giving up 5 hits, 2 earned runs, 1 home run, and walked 3...
Since then?
44 appearances
46.1 IP
20 hits
3 ER
0 HR
8 BB
Are you kidding me? Only 8 walks, 3 ER, no HRs allowed, and 20 hits in 44 appearances?
Season numbers:
46 appearances
49.0 IP
25 hits
5 ER
1 HR
11 BB
0.92 ERA
0.73 WHIP
Fucking incredible...
In his first two appearances of the season -- against the Red Sox -- Rivera blew both saves, giving up 5 hits, 2 earned runs, 1 home run, and walked 3...
Since then?
44 appearances
46.1 IP
20 hits
3 ER
0 HR
8 BB
Are you kidding me? Only 8 walks, 3 ER, no HRs allowed, and 20 hits in 44 appearances?
Season numbers:
46 appearances
49.0 IP
25 hits
5 ER
1 HR
11 BB
0.92 ERA
0.73 WHIP
Fucking incredible...
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Manny, don't let the door hit you on the way out...
Honestly, can we just dump this chump? Of course I'm referring to Manny Ramirez. Cleveland was happy to get rid of the clubhouse cancer and I'm counting the days until Manny's off the squad. Despite his undeniable hitting prowress, his lackadaisical play and horrendous defense is just intolerable. On top of that, his clubhouse antics have pissed off everyone. At this point, his talent is not worth his unpredictable behavior. I put him in the same boat as Pedro Martinez - a world-class headache.
Can anyone feel sorry for a guy making $20mn per year who jogs down the first base line in the 10th inning of a tight game? Or, how about his yearly MIA stunts when the team needs him? He's consistently let the team down and it's time to eat some of his salary to dump his unreliable ass. Any outfield acquisition will be an immediate defensive upgrade.
Time to cut our losses and dump this piece of shit. Please, someone take him...
Can anyone feel sorry for a guy making $20mn per year who jogs down the first base line in the 10th inning of a tight game? Or, how about his yearly MIA stunts when the team needs him? He's consistently let the team down and it's time to eat some of his salary to dump his unreliable ass. Any outfield acquisition will be an immediate defensive upgrade.
Time to cut our losses and dump this piece of shit. Please, someone take him...
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Those streaky Sox...
The 2005 Red Sox squad went 99 games before they played their first extra-inning game, the longest streak in major league history to start a season without playing extra frames. The previous mark was 69 games by the Chicago White Sox to open the 2002 season. ...
Thursday, July 21, 2005
It's three and in for 'Triplets' Aikman, Irvin, and Smith
IRVING – The more owner Jerry Jones thought about it, the more he wanted to induct Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin and Emmitt Smith into the Ring of Honor on the same day.
It seemed so fitting.
After all, they were drafted in successive years. They helped the Cowboys win three Super Bowls in the '90s and earn the title of Team of the Decade. And they were nicknamed "The Triplets."
When each of the players embraced the idea, it thrilled the owner. Jones announced Wednesday evening at Texas Stadium that Aikman, Irvin and Smith would be the 13th, 14th and 15th players inducted into the club's exclusive Ring of Honor.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Tour de France news
Lance Armstrong drives his bike off a cliff- but he still maintains an overall lead of 2:30.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Sox Hit the All-Star Break With a
Two Game Lead in the Division
The Sox are in unchartered waters heading into the mid-summer classic. This is the first time in at least ten years (might be longer, I'm sure Cooch will throw me a vine) the Sox have hit the all-star break in first place in the AL East.
Why are you telling us this Lavinius, you query?
First off, you're the query. ;)
Secondly, it segues perfectly into a stat I saw on Baseball Tonight:
155 teams have hit the all-star break with division leads. Of those teams, 103 of them have gone on to win the division. (66.5%)
I likey!
Also aiding the Sox chances is them easily having the most favorable second half schedule of the AL contenders:
Red Sox: 43 HOME/32 AWAY
Baltimore: 34 HOME/41 AWAY
NY Yankees: 33 HOME/43 AWAY
Minnesota: 37 HOME/39 AWAY
The Sox also have 24 of their final 36 games at home, a luxury I'm sure those other teams do not have. I'm more than happy heading into the all-star break up two games in the division with the most favorable second half schedule waiting for us when play resumes...
Why are you telling us this Lavinius, you query?
First off, you're the query. ;)
Secondly, it segues perfectly into a stat I saw on Baseball Tonight:
155 teams have hit the all-star break with division leads. Of those teams, 103 of them have gone on to win the division. (66.5%)
I likey!
Also aiding the Sox chances is them easily having the most favorable second half schedule of the AL contenders:
Red Sox: 43 HOME/32 AWAY
Baltimore: 34 HOME/41 AWAY
NY Yankees: 33 HOME/43 AWAY
Minnesota: 37 HOME/39 AWAY
The Sox also have 24 of their final 36 games at home, a luxury I'm sure those other teams do not have. I'm more than happy heading into the all-star break up two games in the division with the most favorable second half schedule waiting for us when play resumes...
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Lavinius and Cooch back from the Midwest!
Just wanted to drop a quick line to tell our loyal fans (*tries to suppress laughter*) that we're back from our trip. It was a solid trip, absolutely rock solid. The travel was killer though. We drove close to 1,700 miles during the 10 day trip. Wore me the Effingham out (note: Effingham is an inside joke between Cooch and I...if Cooch wants to elaborate further, he's got the green light).
While we were on the road, we planned on chronicling the trip day by day. Unfortunately, neither of us Rhode Scholars brought our laptop with us, and instead, we spent $10 on the Hampton Inn's version of WebTV. Think WebTV at sub-28.8 dial-up connections. And we split the $10 to use this "service" for the day. During the course of our 24 hour limit, we tried putting up a blog on how our trip was going. But to make a long story short, putting up the blog was as reliable as Florida's voting system. We couldn't even get the main page to load, much less put up a stinking blog. So that pretty much soured our experience. Neither of us wanted anything to do with the internet after that. And Hampton Inn didn't even give us the common courtesy of a reach around...
Then one night we went to Kinko's to get map directions and for Cooch to check his porn...I mean his mail. I make some random comment about Bank of America and next thing I know, this neo-conservative sitting in our area starts going into a five minute tirade on how Bank of America is the devil. Dude looked like a homeless person, or a person with extremely bad fashion sense...still trying to figure out which. But this guy had an opinion about everything, and once he started talking, he wouldn't shut up.
This is where Cooch steps in. For those that don't know Cooch, this guy isn't afraid to challenge people's views. Next thing you know, he's sparring with him on a vast array of issues. Cooch was hitting Mr. Know-It-All with question after question, asking him to support his mostly absure claims he was throwing out there. The whole time, I'm staying out of it and enjoying Cooch just making an ass out of this guy. They went back and forth for a good 20 minutes. It would have been longer had Cooch not diffused the situation by saying, "On that note, we gotta go..." Good thing Cooch said that, otherwise this fucker would have talked our ear off till three in the morning.
That was just one of the many stories we have from the trip. We might do a daily chronicle, but who knows how easy or hard that will be at this stage...
While we were on the road, we planned on chronicling the trip day by day. Unfortunately, neither of us Rhode Scholars brought our laptop with us, and instead, we spent $10 on the Hampton Inn's version of WebTV. Think WebTV at sub-28.8 dial-up connections. And we split the $10 to use this "service" for the day. During the course of our 24 hour limit, we tried putting up a blog on how our trip was going. But to make a long story short, putting up the blog was as reliable as Florida's voting system. We couldn't even get the main page to load, much less put up a stinking blog. So that pretty much soured our experience. Neither of us wanted anything to do with the internet after that. And Hampton Inn didn't even give us the common courtesy of a reach around...
Then one night we went to Kinko's to get map directions and for Cooch to check his porn...I mean his mail. I make some random comment about Bank of America and next thing I know, this neo-conservative sitting in our area starts going into a five minute tirade on how Bank of America is the devil. Dude looked like a homeless person, or a person with extremely bad fashion sense...still trying to figure out which. But this guy had an opinion about everything, and once he started talking, he wouldn't shut up.
This is where Cooch steps in. For those that don't know Cooch, this guy isn't afraid to challenge people's views. Next thing you know, he's sparring with him on a vast array of issues. Cooch was hitting Mr. Know-It-All with question after question, asking him to support his mostly absure claims he was throwing out there. The whole time, I'm staying out of it and enjoying Cooch just making an ass out of this guy. They went back and forth for a good 20 minutes. It would have been longer had Cooch not diffused the situation by saying, "On that note, we gotta go..." Good thing Cooch said that, otherwise this fucker would have talked our ear off till three in the morning.
That was just one of the many stories we have from the trip. We might do a daily chronicle, but who knows how easy or hard that will be at this stage...
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Monday, June 13, 2005
2005 MLB Midwest Tour Chronicles: Day 9
Chitown White Sox
Monday, June 13, 2005
Prior to the game, L&C decide to play tourists and visit the Navy Pier, catching an IMAX event and riding the "high-speed" Seadog Adventures boat.
Lavinius and Cooch watch the Chitown White Sox lose to the Arizona Diamondbacks at U.S. Cellular Field.
Prior to the game, L&C decide to play tourists and visit the Navy Pier, catching an IMAX event and riding the "high-speed" Seadog Adventures boat.
Lavinius and Cooch watch the Chitown White Sox lose to the Arizona Diamondbacks at U.S. Cellular Field.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
2005 MLB Midwest Tour Chronicles: Day 8
Lavinius and Cooch at Wrigley Field: Sunday, June 12th
Cooch and I had the pleasure of being in attendance at the Red Sox/Cubs Sunday Night ESPN game on June 12th. Here's a photo of us taken by a Cubs rep to go in the "fanfoto" section of the Cubs' official website. It didn't even matter to the chick taking our picture that we were both Red Sox fans. Hey, no matter! It's just cool showing up in the Cubs' fanfotos. The Sox took over Wrigleyville that night, so it should only make sense that Cooch and I infiltrate the Cubs' fanfoto section... (from the 6.12.05 Gallery 29, photo 019).
From L to R: Cooch, Lavinius
From L to R: Cooch, Lavinius
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Cooch Goes Off at Indy Speedway!
DATE: JUNE 11, 2005
PLACE: Indianapolis Motor Speedway- Indianapolis, IN
My man Cooch did a solid job of recapping our Indy trip.
But what he didn't tell you was the altercation he had at the Indy Speedway with the inbreds at the front gate.
To set the scene for this little altercation...Cooch and I had just concluded the museum tour. After hitting the gift shop and dropping some coin there, we headed outside to walk around the campus for photo ops. Since there was no official tour of the outer grounds, we were forced to give ourselves a "self tour."
We did this using our best discretion. If we saw signs that said "No Tresspassing", "Keep Out", or "Stay the Fu*k Away Or Get a Verbal Lambasting from our Inbred Staff", we certainly heeded those calls.
For the most part, we didn't wander into forbidden areas. We stayed outside the fenced-in sections of the grounds and took our pics outside the fence.
After our picture-taking, we made our way back to the parking lot. Since the place is rather large, it is easy to lose your sense of direction, and if you're Lavinius and Cooch- master tour guides, it's easy to lose your sense of direction. So on our way back, we had an SUV populated with Speedway staffers follow behind us and spy on us for a good five minutes. After they got the spying out of their system, they pulled along side us and told us we had wandered into forbidden territory, despite no signage indicating otherwise.
About ten minutes prior, we had some dude in a golf cart drive by us to tell us, and a group of people that walked in our vicinity that we weren't allowed in the area, and again, no signage. I guess the folks at the Speedway thought we were mindreaders from Dionne Warwick's Psychic Friends Network.
The motto for most businesses is "the customer comes first." We weren't exactly getting treated like royalty. The red carpet was rolled up and stored away in a closet somewhere.
After several minutes of walking, we finally make it back to the parking lot area. We weren't actually *in* the parking lot, but out on the street which surrounded the parking lot. We wanted to grab another picture of the racetrack before we hit the road. Apparantly this was asking too much, as the two guys manning the front gate signaled for us to go back to the parking lot and to our car.
At this point, Cooch and I became agitated. This was the third time we had been approached. All we wanted was some pictures. We couldn't go five minutes without having some numbnuts tell us to move it along.
So finally, we went to our car. When we got to the front entrance where the aformentioned two guys were stationed, Cooch stopped the car and rolled down the window. I saw where this was going. To the best of my knowledge, Cooch's tirade went something like this:
"We came a long way to be here...you shouldn't treat your customers like that. All we wanted was to take some friggin pictures. And we weren't even allowed to do that. This is fucking bullshit, absolute bullshit to treat your customers like that. I just thought you would like to know." (*rolls window up and drives off*)
There were some other beauties mixed in, which Cooch can fill in if he likes, but that was the jist of it.
Needless to say, Cooch articulated everything I wanted to say, and did it so beautifully. Props to Cooch for having the apples to tell those people something that I'm sure hundreds of visitors didn't have the courage to tell them.
Cooch was right- you just don't treat your visitors like that. A lot of their visitors come from over 1000 miles just to check out their place and plop down hard earned money. The folks at Indy Speedway definitely need a lesson in customer service. It's like they act like it should be a priviledge for their visitors to set foot on their hallowed grounds. Like we should kiss the ground they walk on.
The only thing that should be kissed is our ass!
PLACE: Indianapolis Motor Speedway- Indianapolis, IN
My man Cooch did a solid job of recapping our Indy trip.
But what he didn't tell you was the altercation he had at the Indy Speedway with the inbreds at the front gate.
To set the scene for this little altercation...Cooch and I had just concluded the museum tour. After hitting the gift shop and dropping some coin there, we headed outside to walk around the campus for photo ops. Since there was no official tour of the outer grounds, we were forced to give ourselves a "self tour."
We did this using our best discretion. If we saw signs that said "No Tresspassing", "Keep Out", or "Stay the Fu*k Away Or Get a Verbal Lambasting from our Inbred Staff", we certainly heeded those calls.
For the most part, we didn't wander into forbidden areas. We stayed outside the fenced-in sections of the grounds and took our pics outside the fence.
After our picture-taking, we made our way back to the parking lot. Since the place is rather large, it is easy to lose your sense of direction, and if you're Lavinius and Cooch- master tour guides, it's easy to lose your sense of direction. So on our way back, we had an SUV populated with Speedway staffers follow behind us and spy on us for a good five minutes. After they got the spying out of their system, they pulled along side us and told us we had wandered into forbidden territory, despite no signage indicating otherwise.
About ten minutes prior, we had some dude in a golf cart drive by us to tell us, and a group of people that walked in our vicinity that we weren't allowed in the area, and again, no signage. I guess the folks at the Speedway thought we were mindreaders from Dionne Warwick's Psychic Friends Network.
The motto for most businesses is "the customer comes first." We weren't exactly getting treated like royalty. The red carpet was rolled up and stored away in a closet somewhere.
After several minutes of walking, we finally make it back to the parking lot area. We weren't actually *in* the parking lot, but out on the street which surrounded the parking lot. We wanted to grab another picture of the racetrack before we hit the road. Apparantly this was asking too much, as the two guys manning the front gate signaled for us to go back to the parking lot and to our car.
At this point, Cooch and I became agitated. This was the third time we had been approached. All we wanted was some pictures. We couldn't go five minutes without having some numbnuts tell us to move it along.
So finally, we went to our car. When we got to the front entrance where the aformentioned two guys were stationed, Cooch stopped the car and rolled down the window. I saw where this was going. To the best of my knowledge, Cooch's tirade went something like this:
"We came a long way to be here...you shouldn't treat your customers like that. All we wanted was to take some friggin pictures. And we weren't even allowed to do that. This is fucking bullshit, absolute bullshit to treat your customers like that. I just thought you would like to know." (*rolls window up and drives off*)
There were some other beauties mixed in, which Cooch can fill in if he likes, but that was the jist of it.
Needless to say, Cooch articulated everything I wanted to say, and did it so beautifully. Props to Cooch for having the apples to tell those people something that I'm sure hundreds of visitors didn't have the courage to tell them.
Cooch was right- you just don't treat your visitors like that. A lot of their visitors come from over 1000 miles just to check out their place and plop down hard earned money. The folks at Indy Speedway definitely need a lesson in customer service. It's like they act like it should be a priviledge for their visitors to set foot on their hallowed grounds. Like we should kiss the ground they walk on.
The only thing that should be kissed is our ass!
2005 MLB Midwest Tour Chronicles: Day 7
"Indianapolis in a Day"
June 11, 2005
Lavinius and Cooch decided to take a side trip to Indianapolis, just for the hell of it. We felt that the 1,000+ miles logged on the rental car just wasn't enough for us... Ultimately, we decided to hit Indy in a day and proceed to our next scheduled stop: Chicago.
Highlights of Indy:
1. Conseco Fieldhouse, Home of the Indiana Pacers. Lav and I did a drive-by and was almost gunned down by the fierce security guard, who must have been the infamous Wee-Man from the heralded MTV series "Jackass."
2. RCA Dome, Home of the Indianapolis Colts
3. Indianapolis Motor Speedway, aka "The Brickyard." Home to the famous Indianapolis 500 NASCAR race and the Indianapolis Motor Speedway Hall of Fame Museum.
Lavinius and Cooch decided to take a side trip to Indianapolis, just for the hell of it. We felt that the 1,000+ miles logged on the rental car just wasn't enough for us... Ultimately, we decided to hit Indy in a day and proceed to our next scheduled stop: Chicago.
Highlights of Indy:
1. Conseco Fieldhouse, Home of the Indiana Pacers. Lav and I did a drive-by and was almost gunned down by the fierce security guard, who must have been the infamous Wee-Man from the heralded MTV series "Jackass."
2. RCA Dome, Home of the Indianapolis Colts
3. Indianapolis Motor Speedway, aka "The Brickyard." Home to the famous Indianapolis 500 NASCAR race and the Indianapolis Motor Speedway Hall of Fame Museum.
Friday, June 10, 2005
2005 MLB Midwest Tour Chronicles: Day 6
"The Longest Yard"
June 10, 2005
Not much happening... Just traveled from St. Louis to Indianapolis and plunked ourselves down in the hotel. We ended up going to a local mall and watched "The Longest Yard." The movie was a riot and included a star-studded lineup with the likes of Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Burt Reynolds, my man Michael Irvin, Nelly, Bill Romanowski, Kevin Nash, Steve Austin, and Brian Bosworth, to name a bunch...
Here's the plot summary, unscrupulously cut-and-pasted from somewhere on the Internet:
Paul "Wrecking" Crewe (Sandler) was a revered football superstar back in his day, but that time has since faded. But when a messy drunk driving incident lands him in jail, Paul finds he was specifically requested by Warden Hazen (James Cromwell), a duplicitous prison official well aware of Paul's athletic skills. Paul has been assigned the task of assembling a team of convicts, to square off in a big football game against the sadistic guards. With the help of fellow convict Caretaker (Rock), and an old legend named Nate Scarborough (Reynolds) to coach, Crewe is ready for what promises to be a very interesting game. It's only the warden and the guards who have no idea who or what they're up against, with Paul the driving force behind the new team.
Not much happening... Just traveled from St. Louis to Indianapolis and plunked ourselves down in the hotel. We ended up going to a local mall and watched "The Longest Yard." The movie was a riot and included a star-studded lineup with the likes of Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Burt Reynolds, my man Michael Irvin, Nelly, Bill Romanowski, Kevin Nash, Steve Austin, and Brian Bosworth, to name a bunch...
Here's the plot summary, unscrupulously cut-and-pasted from somewhere on the Internet:
Paul "Wrecking" Crewe (Sandler) was a revered football superstar back in his day, but that time has since faded. But when a messy drunk driving incident lands him in jail, Paul finds he was specifically requested by Warden Hazen (James Cromwell), a duplicitous prison official well aware of Paul's athletic skills. Paul has been assigned the task of assembling a team of convicts, to square off in a big football game against the sadistic guards. With the help of fellow convict Caretaker (Rock), and an old legend named Nate Scarborough (Reynolds) to coach, Crewe is ready for what promises to be a very interesting game. It's only the warden and the guards who have no idea who or what they're up against, with Paul the driving force behind the new team.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
2005 MLB Midwest Tour Chronicles: Day 5
"Last Night in St. Louis"
June 9, 2005
Union Station
------------------
Last full day in St. Louis for us, so we decided to hit a couple tourist attractions. Our first stop was Union Station. Union Station was once the largest rail station in the world, but was transformed into a marketplace in the mid-80s after rail traffic ceased operations. Anyhoo, a H
yatt Regency, tons of shops, and a mall-like atmosphere highlights the historical landmark. We wandered about for a bit before we decided to have our caricatures done. Lemme just say that the "artist" was very pissy and shouldn't be in any type of service industry. Lavinius was first up, and I laughed as the artist captured L's large ears, nose, and thin face. Lavinius got his revenge, laughing at me when it was my turn, encouraging the onlookers to laugh too. (See photo at left for Cooch's caricature.)
We were on a mission at the Station to find a football to toss around. A stop in an official Budweiser store and we were in business - they had a cool multi-colored ball with mesh covering, perfect for gripping. L and I thought the ball might cost something like, say, $10 or so, but were sticker-shocked when the cashier rang it up at over $26! Zoiks... We dropped our freshly rendered caricatures in the rental car outside the Station and played toss with our overpriced football in the park across the street. I'd dare say that, with my arm and Lavinius' speed, we'd make a great tandem in the NFL! It was extremely hot (probably 100 degrees) but we survived due to a light breeze and wind-blown water from a nearby water fountain. Time for lunch... Once again, Lavinius and Cooch ended up eating at Hard Rock Cafe, located just outside the Station. And, yes, Cooch got another turkey burger. I think Lavinius ended up with steak...
The Arch Tour
-------------------
You can't leave St. Louis without taking the Arch tour... Click here to check out the official website and see the various Arch activities. We bought tickets for the "Journey to the Top" and the documentary movie. The Journey to the Top was pretty interesting; we were transported to the top of the Arch by a tram - the tram was a space-aged pod that was supposed to hold five people, but only comfortably fit about two adults. Poor circulation and a pod stuffed full of tourists made for a very warm and cozy ride to the top of the arch for L and I. Picture a 630-foot ascent in a peanut shell with a small group of strangers in a circle-jerk formation, breathing heavily in your face. We snapped a few photos from the top of the Arch - a very nice view - and rode the tram back down in time to catch the documentary movie. The movie, "Monument to the Dream," was nicely done. It was truly amazing to see the building of the Arch and the engineering behind it - and then to realize that we were at the top of the Arch just a few minutes before.
Game 1 of the NBA Finals
---------------------------------
Back to the hotel for us, with time to spare for pre-game hype of the NBA Finals Game 1. Detroit Pistons vs. San Antonio Spurs. My man Lavinius is a Pistons fan, so you can imagine his excitement. Anyhoo, we ordered some pizza from a local delivery joint - the pizza was average. I had made the following predictions: Spurs would win the game; Pistons would score less than 80 points; Pistons would lead after the first quarter; Spurs would outscore the Pistons in the third and fourth quarters; and the person in Section 110, Row B, Seat 12 would be named Kwamee. Who friggin' knew that all those predictions would be correct? Seriously, folks, I was dead-on with my predictions, to Lavinius' dismay. Spurs won the game 84-69. Needless to say, L was upset...
The Incident at Kinko's
-----------------------------
First off, let me just preface this by saying that I hate self-proclaimed geniuses. I mean, if you've got to persuade someone into thinking that you're smart, are you really that intelligent? Lavinius and I went to Kinko's after the basketball game to get some "real" high-speed Internet access. We hadn't had much contact with the real world since we started our trip, and my inbox was filling up. At Kinko's, L and I were on different workstations, mindin' our own bidness, when L makes a statement about the Bank of America. Some dude behind us chimes in with his two cents, somehow segueing to a tirade about how we'll run out of bullets during the next World War, how our computer systems will be rendered useless by terrorist strikes, and how everyone should carry a gun.
"Are you on drugs," I asked. "Seriously."
The man, about mid-40s and barely cohesive, was working on a large Starbucks coffee and talking to anybody who would listen. I decided to humor him and lend him an ear. Course, the guy was about as credible as Bill Clinton in Monica-gate.
"I've got three great ideas," the guy said, and assumed we'd take him at his word.
"Really, what are they," I asked.
The man replied with, "First, I'm going to sell the government lightweight armor for humvees. It'll be perfect for battle." He continued with, "Second, I'm going to design a bomb made of a jelly-like substance that will kill the enemy on contact." Then, he proceeded with, "I can't remember the third idea... I'm tired."
Um, okay. I start the barrage of questions like - How much will the armor cost? Given that the majority of enemy threats to our humvees are landmines, isn't the armor worthless at that point? This jelly-like bomb of yours - lemme get this straight - only kills those who come in direct contact with it? Once again, I had to clarify, "Are you high right now?" The man was a bit dejected - his former audiences probably did not challenge him, but just listened to him as though it were gospel. I started asking him other questions about his background, what he does for a living, etc. and the guy started stuttering, obviously shaken. "I own a company. I develop software for major corporations...," he said. He started muttering some other shit about what the company does, which seemed totally unrelated. His company, as he projected it, was the ACME of everything.
Let's see. A guy owns an information technology company and he's at Kinko's paying for Internet access? His stories had more holes than Hugh Heffner's Playmates' panties. Fuck him, I say to myself, it's time to go. The man kept sputtering shit, in no particular order, and about no particular subject, so I had to cut him off abruptly. I nod to Lavinius and tell the man, "On that note, it's time for us to go..."
The Big Bang Redux
---------------------------
Lavinius discussed "The Big Bang" in the "...Day 4" post, so I won't go into much detail here. Basically, I wanted to hit The Big Bang one last time before leaving St. Louis. The hosts weren't as talented as the previous night's group, but they were still entertaining. I was basically there to see if someone could pull off "November Rain," so I put my request in as soon as we arrived. Within the hour, I could hear the opening notes of the popular Guns 'N Roses tune, and my eyes must have widened. Everyone in the crowd (maybe 20 people at that point in the morning) was signing along as best as they could - it wasn't Axl Rose on stage by any means, but the guy did a nice job on a tough song. At the end of the night, shortly after last call, the hosts were yelling to the crowd, asking if we had any last requests. "Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana," I yelled twice, just in case the first time wasn't loud enough. Sure enough, the guy starts tickling the ivory, busting out in a piano-rendition of the grunge tune. Again, those left in the audience loved the tune and were singing it loudly.
It was a great way to wrap up our last night in St. Louis. We were back at the hotel around 3:00 a.m., getting some sleep for our side trip to Indianapolis...
Union Station
------------------
Last full day in St. Louis for us, so we decided to hit a couple tourist attractions. Our first stop was Union Station. Union Station was once the largest rail station in the world, but was transformed into a marketplace in the mid-80s after rail traffic ceased operations. Anyhoo, a H
yatt Regency, tons of shops, and a mall-like atmosphere highlights the historical landmark. We wandered about for a bit before we decided to have our caricatures done. Lemme just say that the "artist" was very pissy and shouldn't be in any type of service industry. Lavinius was first up, and I laughed as the artist captured L's large ears, nose, and thin face. Lavinius got his revenge, laughing at me when it was my turn, encouraging the onlookers to laugh too. (See photo at left for Cooch's caricature.)We were on a mission at the Station to find a football to toss around. A stop in an official Budweiser store and we were in business - they had a cool multi-colored ball with mesh covering, perfect for gripping. L and I thought the ball might cost something like, say, $10 or so, but were sticker-shocked when the cashier rang it up at over $26! Zoiks... We dropped our freshly rendered caricatures in the rental car outside the Station and played toss with our overpriced football in the park across the street. I'd dare say that, with my arm and Lavinius' speed, we'd make a great tandem in the NFL! It was extremely hot (probably 100 degrees) but we survived due to a light breeze and wind-blown water from a nearby water fountain. Time for lunch... Once again, Lavinius and Cooch ended up eating at Hard Rock Cafe, located just outside the Station. And, yes, Cooch got another turkey burger. I think Lavinius ended up with steak...
The Arch Tour
-------------------
You can't leave St. Louis without taking the Arch tour... Click here to check out the official website and see the various Arch activities. We bought tickets for the "Journey to the Top" and the documentary movie. The Journey to the Top was pretty interesting; we were transported to the top of the Arch by a tram - the tram was a space-aged pod that was supposed to hold five people, but only comfortably fit about two adults. Poor circulation and a pod stuffed full of tourists made for a very warm and cozy ride to the top of the arch for L and I. Picture a 630-foot ascent in a peanut shell with a small group of strangers in a circle-jerk formation, breathing heavily in your face. We snapped a few photos from the top of the Arch - a very nice view - and rode the tram back down in time to catch the documentary movie. The movie, "Monument to the Dream," was nicely done. It was truly amazing to see the building of the Arch and the engineering behind it - and then to realize that we were at the top of the Arch just a few minutes before.
Game 1 of the NBA Finals
---------------------------------
Back to the hotel for us, with time to spare for pre-game hype of the NBA Finals Game 1. Detroit Pistons vs. San Antonio Spurs. My man Lavinius is a Pistons fan, so you can imagine his excitement. Anyhoo, we ordered some pizza from a local delivery joint - the pizza was average. I had made the following predictions: Spurs would win the game; Pistons would score less than 80 points; Pistons would lead after the first quarter; Spurs would outscore the Pistons in the third and fourth quarters; and the person in Section 110, Row B, Seat 12 would be named Kwamee. Who friggin' knew that all those predictions would be correct? Seriously, folks, I was dead-on with my predictions, to Lavinius' dismay. Spurs won the game 84-69. Needless to say, L was upset...
The Incident at Kinko's
-----------------------------
First off, let me just preface this by saying that I hate self-proclaimed geniuses. I mean, if you've got to persuade someone into thinking that you're smart, are you really that intelligent? Lavinius and I went to Kinko's after the basketball game to get some "real" high-speed Internet access. We hadn't had much contact with the real world since we started our trip, and my inbox was filling up. At Kinko's, L and I were on different workstations, mindin' our own bidness, when L makes a statement about the Bank of America. Some dude behind us chimes in with his two cents, somehow segueing to a tirade about how we'll run out of bullets during the next World War, how our computer systems will be rendered useless by terrorist strikes, and how everyone should carry a gun.
"Are you on drugs," I asked. "Seriously."
The man, about mid-40s and barely cohesive, was working on a large Starbucks coffee and talking to anybody who would listen. I decided to humor him and lend him an ear. Course, the guy was about as credible as Bill Clinton in Monica-gate.
"I've got three great ideas," the guy said, and assumed we'd take him at his word.
"Really, what are they," I asked.
The man replied with, "First, I'm going to sell the government lightweight armor for humvees. It'll be perfect for battle." He continued with, "Second, I'm going to design a bomb made of a jelly-like substance that will kill the enemy on contact." Then, he proceeded with, "I can't remember the third idea... I'm tired."
Um, okay. I start the barrage of questions like - How much will the armor cost? Given that the majority of enemy threats to our humvees are landmines, isn't the armor worthless at that point? This jelly-like bomb of yours - lemme get this straight - only kills those who come in direct contact with it? Once again, I had to clarify, "Are you high right now?" The man was a bit dejected - his former audiences probably did not challenge him, but just listened to him as though it were gospel. I started asking him other questions about his background, what he does for a living, etc. and the guy started stuttering, obviously shaken. "I own a company. I develop software for major corporations...," he said. He started muttering some other shit about what the company does, which seemed totally unrelated. His company, as he projected it, was the ACME of everything.
Let's see. A guy owns an information technology company and he's at Kinko's paying for Internet access? His stories had more holes than Hugh Heffner's Playmates' panties. Fuck him, I say to myself, it's time to go. The man kept sputtering shit, in no particular order, and about no particular subject, so I had to cut him off abruptly. I nod to Lavinius and tell the man, "On that note, it's time for us to go..."
The Big Bang Redux
---------------------------
Lavinius discussed "The Big Bang" in the "...Day 4" post, so I won't go into much detail here. Basically, I wanted to hit The Big Bang one last time before leaving St. Louis. The hosts weren't as talented as the previous night's group, but they were still entertaining. I was basically there to see if someone could pull off "November Rain," so I put my request in as soon as we arrived. Within the hour, I could hear the opening notes of the popular Guns 'N Roses tune, and my eyes must have widened. Everyone in the crowd (maybe 20 people at that point in the morning) was signing along as best as they could - it wasn't Axl Rose on stage by any means, but the guy did a nice job on a tough song. At the end of the night, shortly after last call, the hosts were yelling to the crowd, asking if we had any last requests. "Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana," I yelled twice, just in case the first time wasn't loud enough. Sure enough, the guy starts tickling the ivory, busting out in a piano-rendition of the grunge tune. Again, those left in the audience loved the tune and were singing it loudly.
It was a great way to wrap up our last night in St. Louis. We were back at the hotel around 3:00 a.m., getting some sleep for our side trip to Indianapolis...
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
2005 MLB Midwest Tour Chronicles: Day 4
Three Things on the Agenda
June 8, 2004
Hampton Inn
St. Louis, MO
The tour rolls on as Lavinius and Cooch enter Day 4 of their midwest swing...
On tap for the day were three major things:
1) Meramec Caverns- Stanton, MO (about 60 mi west of St. L)
2) Sox/Cards game later that night
3) "Big Bang" piano bar- LaClede's Landing (St. L waterfront)
First stop was the Caverns. Cooch and I wanted to do something a little off the beaten path- something that would give the trip a unique twist. We mutually decided to make the trek to Meramec Caverns. It was supposed to be one of the top cave destinations in the country due to their unique stalagtite/stalagmite formations. (Note: For those of you dumbasses who don't know what stalagtites and stalagmites are, do a search. You mofos should have learned that in high school anyway.).
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. On our way to the Caverns, our road parallelled the world famous Route 66. (Note: For those of you who don't know what Route 66 is, first off, you're dumb as shit. Secondly, be grateful as hell there's the internet where you can search anonymously without letting the rest of the world know you're dumber than a bag of rocks. Look, I'm just doing a chronicle here, not teaching Science or Geography class).
Just busting balls here. Hope I didn't offend anyone. If I did, I state in a tactful way to lighten the fu*k up!
So we get to within 5 miles of the Caverns. By now, we're in an area so hick, it makes Cooch's residence in Lisbon Falls look like a major metropolis. Keep in mind that Cooch lives in a town so small, his arm is in two different zip codes...
Even our cell phone carrier, Cingular, didn't cover the area we were in, and Cingular is supposed to have the largest coverage area of all the major wireless carriers. When you're in an area and you have no service, red flags...
We got to the Caverns around lunchtime. Since we were both hungry, we decided to grab a bite to eat in their in-house restaurant. Kind of reminded me of a down-scaled Denny's. And if I'm downscaling Denny's, well, use your imagination...
So I order myself a BBQ chicken sandwich. And Cooch orders...you guessed it, a friggin turkeyburger. How Cooch managed to live off those things on our trip I'll never know. Wasn't there anything more appetizing, such as roadkill, he could have eaten instead?
But I digress. My food was predictibly mediocre. Cooch's turkeyburger was even worse. My guess is it rivaled Play-Dough.
Once we got done eating, it was time to start the tour. Our tour guide (forgot his name) was an interesting mofo to say the least. First off, dude couldn't say five words without losing his wind. The fucker was panting like a dog in heat. During the tour, he had to stop several times to catch his wind. Fucking guy made David Wells look like Lance Armstrong.
Our tour guide aside, the tour itself was very impressive. We found out that the caves went on for close to 30 miles, but the general public only gets to walk about two of those 30 miles. Pretty cool. Plus, Meramec Caverns is one of the only caverns in the country (or perhaps THEE only one) that had a movie screen form from their formations. At the end of the tour, our oxygen deprived tour guide led us into their "movie theatre" where we were treated to a kalidescope of colors on their nature-made movie screen, and it was all done to music. The tour guide controlled all the colors and designs/patterns that were shown on the screen from the push of a button. It was a little cheesy, but definitely unique.
After the tour, Cooch and I decided to get some fudge from the fudge stand that was in the place. Both of us were very non-commital as to what kind of fudge we wanted, so we just pestered the shit out of the girl behind the counter to give us samples of just about every flavor they had. I developed a guilty conscience after a while, so finally, Cooch decided to get a small block of cookies n' cream. Let me tell you, that shizzle was the shiznit. In other words, it was damn delicious.
Soon we were on our way back to the mainland (St. Louis). The Sox/Cards game was at 6:10, and we didn't have much time to kill once we got back into town. Plus the weather started getting really bad, and soon enough, we were getting rained on like a mofo. Our game looked to be in serious jeopardy. We were just waiting on our hotel room for the rain to stop. We had that luxury because our living quarters were just 6-8 blocks from the stadium.
Finally, at around six or so, we saw that the rain cleared up, so we decided to head down there. Once we got into the stadium, Cooch and I ran into this young St. Louis fan. He noticed that I had a Red Sox shirt on and he wanted to know what it said. (Note: It read: THE DROUGHT IS OVER! THE REIGN BEGINS! BOSTON RED SOX- 2004 WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS). So I answered him, probably not in the most tactful way, "It says the Sox kicked your ass last year!" Needless to say, the kid was taken aback by it. Look like I almost drove him to tears. After I said it, I immediately wanted to take it back, because it was clear he wasn't there to talk smack, and Cardinals fans have a rep for being the classiest fans in baseball. So I apologized to him. He didn't seem to be too forgiving, so he probably went home thinking that Sox fans are fucking pricks.
Hey, I felt bad. Keep in mind that I'm a Sox fan. I've taken more verbal abuse than the majority of sports fans in the country in my lifetime, so naturally, when an opposing fan steps to me, my defense mechanism goes up. But still, it was an dickhead thing to do, and Cardinal fan, if you're reading this, I'm sorry brother. But that still doesn't change the fact that the Sox still kicked your asses and celebrated in your city till the wee hours of the morning!
As far as the game goes, the Sox had lost the first two games in St. Louis. They needed this game just to salvage one. Sox Nation turned their lonely eyes to David Wells, who had been knocked around like a speedbag this year. Against one of the top hitting clubs in the bigs, it seemed there was no end in sight. But I'll be damned if Wellsie didn't prove Cooch and I wrong. The guy was just "on" that day. You know when a pitcher is on, too. He's got all his shit working. He's throwing all his pitches for strikes. He's got the other team so off-balance. They're sitting fastball, Wells is dropping a deuce (okay, bad analogy there). They're sitting curveball, Wells busts a fastball on the inside corner. I mean all night dude was bringing it.
Sox won the game 4-0, their first win in St. Louis since that fateful night that Sox fans will not soon forget.
After the ballgame, it was time to have some fun. So Cooch and I hit this piano bar called the "Big Bang" located in St. Louis' famous "LaClede's Landing" located on the banks of the Mississippi. That's not necessarily a good thing. Especially with the repugnant odor coming from those waters.
The Big Bang was...well...bangin'. You had two guys on dueling pianos, playing and singing mostly 80's songs. The crowd there was mostly college-aged kids, and everyone in the bar was singing along, so it made for a high energy atmosphere. Cooch and I had some drinks and enjoyed the live music. Cooch was actually trying to put in a request for a song- "November Rain" by Guns n' Roses. They couldn't do the request because one of the piano players who normally plays that song wasn't there that night, so his request would have to wait till the next night.
At about 2:30, Cooch and I headed back to our hotel, as we prepped for yet another day of our never-ending journey through the mid-west...
Hampton Inn
St. Louis, MO
The tour rolls on as Lavinius and Cooch enter Day 4 of their midwest swing...
On tap for the day were three major things:
1) Meramec Caverns- Stanton, MO (about 60 mi west of St. L)
2) Sox/Cards game later that night
3) "Big Bang" piano bar- LaClede's Landing (St. L waterfront)
First stop was the Caverns. Cooch and I wanted to do something a little off the beaten path- something that would give the trip a unique twist. We mutually decided to make the trek to Meramec Caverns. It was supposed to be one of the top cave destinations in the country due to their unique stalagtite/stalagmite formations. (Note: For those of you dumbasses who don't know what stalagtites and stalagmites are, do a search. You mofos should have learned that in high school anyway.).
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. On our way to the Caverns, our road parallelled the world famous Route 66. (Note: For those of you who don't know what Route 66 is, first off, you're dumb as shit. Secondly, be grateful as hell there's the internet where you can search anonymously without letting the rest of the world know you're dumber than a bag of rocks. Look, I'm just doing a chronicle here, not teaching Science or Geography class).
Just busting balls here. Hope I didn't offend anyone. If I did, I state in a tactful way to lighten the fu*k up!
So we get to within 5 miles of the Caverns. By now, we're in an area so hick, it makes Cooch's residence in Lisbon Falls look like a major metropolis. Keep in mind that Cooch lives in a town so small, his arm is in two different zip codes...
Even our cell phone carrier, Cingular, didn't cover the area we were in, and Cingular is supposed to have the largest coverage area of all the major wireless carriers. When you're in an area and you have no service, red flags...
We got to the Caverns around lunchtime. Since we were both hungry, we decided to grab a bite to eat in their in-house restaurant. Kind of reminded me of a down-scaled Denny's. And if I'm downscaling Denny's, well, use your imagination...
So I order myself a BBQ chicken sandwich. And Cooch orders...you guessed it, a friggin turkeyburger. How Cooch managed to live off those things on our trip I'll never know. Wasn't there anything more appetizing, such as roadkill, he could have eaten instead?
But I digress. My food was predictibly mediocre. Cooch's turkeyburger was even worse. My guess is it rivaled Play-Dough.
Once we got done eating, it was time to start the tour. Our tour guide (forgot his name) was an interesting mofo to say the least. First off, dude couldn't say five words without losing his wind. The fucker was panting like a dog in heat. During the tour, he had to stop several times to catch his wind. Fucking guy made David Wells look like Lance Armstrong.
Our tour guide aside, the tour itself was very impressive. We found out that the caves went on for close to 30 miles, but the general public only gets to walk about two of those 30 miles. Pretty cool. Plus, Meramec Caverns is one of the only caverns in the country (or perhaps THEE only one) that had a movie screen form from their formations. At the end of the tour, our oxygen deprived tour guide led us into their "movie theatre" where we were treated to a kalidescope of colors on their nature-made movie screen, and it was all done to music. The tour guide controlled all the colors and designs/patterns that were shown on the screen from the push of a button. It was a little cheesy, but definitely unique.
After the tour, Cooch and I decided to get some fudge from the fudge stand that was in the place. Both of us were very non-commital as to what kind of fudge we wanted, so we just pestered the shit out of the girl behind the counter to give us samples of just about every flavor they had. I developed a guilty conscience after a while, so finally, Cooch decided to get a small block of cookies n' cream. Let me tell you, that shizzle was the shiznit. In other words, it was damn delicious.
Soon we were on our way back to the mainland (St. Louis). The Sox/Cards game was at 6:10, and we didn't have much time to kill once we got back into town. Plus the weather started getting really bad, and soon enough, we were getting rained on like a mofo. Our game looked to be in serious jeopardy. We were just waiting on our hotel room for the rain to stop. We had that luxury because our living quarters were just 6-8 blocks from the stadium.
Finally, at around six or so, we saw that the rain cleared up, so we decided to head down there. Once we got into the stadium, Cooch and I ran into this young St. Louis fan. He noticed that I had a Red Sox shirt on and he wanted to know what it said. (Note: It read: THE DROUGHT IS OVER! THE REIGN BEGINS! BOSTON RED SOX- 2004 WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS). So I answered him, probably not in the most tactful way, "It says the Sox kicked your ass last year!" Needless to say, the kid was taken aback by it. Look like I almost drove him to tears. After I said it, I immediately wanted to take it back, because it was clear he wasn't there to talk smack, and Cardinals fans have a rep for being the classiest fans in baseball. So I apologized to him. He didn't seem to be too forgiving, so he probably went home thinking that Sox fans are fucking pricks.
Hey, I felt bad. Keep in mind that I'm a Sox fan. I've taken more verbal abuse than the majority of sports fans in the country in my lifetime, so naturally, when an opposing fan steps to me, my defense mechanism goes up. But still, it was an dickhead thing to do, and Cardinal fan, if you're reading this, I'm sorry brother. But that still doesn't change the fact that the Sox still kicked your asses and celebrated in your city till the wee hours of the morning!
As far as the game goes, the Sox had lost the first two games in St. Louis. They needed this game just to salvage one. Sox Nation turned their lonely eyes to David Wells, who had been knocked around like a speedbag this year. Against one of the top hitting clubs in the bigs, it seemed there was no end in sight. But I'll be damned if Wellsie didn't prove Cooch and I wrong. The guy was just "on" that day. You know when a pitcher is on, too. He's got all his shit working. He's throwing all his pitches for strikes. He's got the other team so off-balance. They're sitting fastball, Wells is dropping a deuce (okay, bad analogy there). They're sitting curveball, Wells busts a fastball on the inside corner. I mean all night dude was bringing it.
Sox won the game 4-0, their first win in St. Louis since that fateful night that Sox fans will not soon forget.
After the ballgame, it was time to have some fun. So Cooch and I hit this piano bar called the "Big Bang" located in St. Louis' famous "LaClede's Landing" located on the banks of the Mississippi. That's not necessarily a good thing. Especially with the repugnant odor coming from those waters.
The Big Bang was...well...bangin'. You had two guys on dueling pianos, playing and singing mostly 80's songs. The crowd there was mostly college-aged kids, and everyone in the bar was singing along, so it made for a high energy atmosphere. Cooch and I had some drinks and enjoyed the live music. Cooch was actually trying to put in a request for a song- "November Rain" by Guns n' Roses. They couldn't do the request because one of the piano players who normally plays that song wasn't there that night, so his request would have to wait till the next night.
At about 2:30, Cooch and I headed back to our hotel, as we prepped for yet another day of our never-ending journey through the mid-west...
2005 MLB Midwest Tour Chronicles: Day 3
"Welcome to St. Louis!"
Day 3: June 7, 2005
[Editor's Note: Now, when Lavinius says "navigationally impaired," he means it. When we took our MLB trip last year, we got lost more times than a high school virgin looking for his girlfriend's clit. Did we learn our lesson? Did we take the time to scope out our territories and get familiar with the maps? Did we even think that Mapquest could possibly be wrong? No, no, and no. When it comes to directions, we couldn't find the G-spot on a beluga whale - EVEN IF THERE WAS A HUGE RED TARGET SURROUNDED BY WHITE STRIPES STARING US DIRECTLY IN THE FACE. Seriously, are you getting my point?]
Comfort Inn and Cracker Barrel: Bloomington, IL:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
We start the day with a little bit of breakfast from Cracker Barrel - conveniently located in an adjacent parking lot to our hotel. Now, I say breakfast, but I believe we slept in since today was a travel day for us. So, breakfast was probably at lunchtime... From this point forward, our body clocks and eating schedules were totally messed up.
Anyhoo, Lavinius said Cracker Barrel was the shiznit, so I take him at face value - Lavinius has made some solid eating suggestions in the past (e.g., some deli in New York, Krispy Kreme, and Cold Stone Creamery). Personally, I wasn't a huge fan of Cracker Barrel's breakfast, but I attribute that to my Northern Maine sense of breakfast - eggs, toast, and home fries [home fries: i.e., grilled potatoes with butter and, perhaps, onions]. I can't even recall what they called their breakfast potatoes, but they were slightly more than mashed potatoes with some cheese in it - and some other substances I couldn't quite identify. Anyway, Lavinius' recommendation of the Barrel was based on his consumption of pancakes - I'm not much of a pancake eater.
The ironic part of eating at the Barrel was one of their menu items - Muffins with "Fresh Maine Wild-Blueberries." Um, hold on a second... Not sure how they were advertising the berries as fresh considering that they weren't even in season... They weren't foolin' me!
After brunch was finished, we were on our way to St. Louis!!!
Dropping a Deuce & The Goon Squad...
--------------------------------------------------
Somewhere along the way, Cooch coins the phrase "drop a deuce" - i.e., take a shit. The phrase will live on in infamy, much like the term "goon squad." Lavinius and Cooch will make several references to both words throughout the course of the trip...
Despite our history of having "challenges" getting from point A to point B, Lavinius and Cooch didn't get lost once on their way to St. Louis - that's right, not once! A quick stop off the Interstate for some gas and quality time for Cooch to drop a deuce at the gas station was all that impeded our mid-afternoon arrival to the Hampton Inn at the Gateway Arch in St. Louis. Talk about great location - we were within walking distance to all the main tourist attractions, including the ballpark. We could see Edward Jones Stadium (home of the St. Louis Rams) from our hotel room window - the temperature on the EJ Stadium outdoor-display read 101 degrees.
Bored stiff and rustlin' around the hotel room, Lavinius and Cooch decided to order WebTV Internet access from the comfort of our own room. I mean, the hotel boasted break-neck speeds and unfettered access! 24 hours for only $9.95!!! What a deal!!! Of course, the shit was slower than my 28.8 bps modem used to be and the screen was so condensed that most of the web pages wouldn't fit on the screen. Oh, and no mouse - navigation consisted of using the TV remote and cursor keys on a wireless keyboard (a keyboard with dead batteries, that is!!!). Enough with the WebTV already! We had places to be...
A quick spray of odor eaters to their sandals and the dynamic duo (who other than Lavinius and Cooch?) were on their way to the Gateway Arch Riverfront to take a riverboat tour. Did I mention that it was over 100 degrees? After purchasing our tour tickets and making our way to the boat, a middle-aged woman collecting the tour tickets - who looked like a haggard grandmother - asked if Lavinius was a model, hitting on him with nasty come-on lines. I mean, who wouldn't mistake L for a model? She either thought he was cute or gay... Hopefully it was the former... The boat tour was a bit drab - we were on the Mississippi River and the primary purpose of the river for St. Louis' sake was interstate commerce. As such, there were many barges and unsightly riverbank spots, low-lighted by a filthy body of water. Quite frankly, if we both were to drop a deuce into the Mississippi, nobody would have been able to differentiate between that and the other particles floating atop the river...
St. Louis - famous for BBQ?
-----------------------------------
Back to the hotel, with fresh batteries in the WebTV keyboard... Lavinius was dead-set on finding BBQ for dinner - metaphorically, he associates St. Louis to BBQ as Maine would be to blueberries or lobster. After a serious struggle with WebTV, we managed to find a respectable BBQ restaurant that met Lavinius' strict standards - Bandana's Bar-B-Q in Clayton, MO, just 15-20 minutes or so from the hotel. Why not? It's not like we'd get lost!
I'd give Bandana's 3 of 5 stars - just average; BBQ sauces were a bit runny and their "hot" sauce was relatively mild (we were drinking the stuff before our meal arrived!). We got some sort of sampler dish - chicken thighs (or was that turkey?), pork, more pork, some pork-stuff, roasted pigs' ass, garlic bread, and baked potatoes. Honestly, there was a ton of shit on the plate and I can't remember everything that was on it - but I do know that we polished off about 2 or 3 bottles'-worth of BBQ sauce before we were finished. Lavinius accused me of taking more than half of the pork giblets, but the muhfuckah was voraciously downing 75% of the dish's contents while I was drinking my beer - seriously, the skinny mofo can eat...
Back to the hotel for us. Some television before bedtime and day 3 was officially in the books...
[Editor's Note: Now, when Lavinius says "navigationally impaired," he means it. When we took our MLB trip last year, we got lost more times than a high school virgin looking for his girlfriend's clit. Did we learn our lesson? Did we take the time to scope out our territories and get familiar with the maps? Did we even think that Mapquest could possibly be wrong? No, no, and no. When it comes to directions, we couldn't find the G-spot on a beluga whale - EVEN IF THERE WAS A HUGE RED TARGET SURROUNDED BY WHITE STRIPES STARING US DIRECTLY IN THE FACE. Seriously, are you getting my point?]
Comfort Inn and Cracker Barrel: Bloomington, IL:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
We start the day with a little bit of breakfast from Cracker Barrel - conveniently located in an adjacent parking lot to our hotel. Now, I say breakfast, but I believe we slept in since today was a travel day for us. So, breakfast was probably at lunchtime... From this point forward, our body clocks and eating schedules were totally messed up.
Anyhoo, Lavinius said Cracker Barrel was the shiznit, so I take him at face value - Lavinius has made some solid eating suggestions in the past (e.g., some deli in New York, Krispy Kreme, and Cold Stone Creamery). Personally, I wasn't a huge fan of Cracker Barrel's breakfast, but I attribute that to my Northern Maine sense of breakfast - eggs, toast, and home fries [home fries: i.e., grilled potatoes with butter and, perhaps, onions]. I can't even recall what they called their breakfast potatoes, but they were slightly more than mashed potatoes with some cheese in it - and some other substances I couldn't quite identify. Anyway, Lavinius' recommendation of the Barrel was based on his consumption of pancakes - I'm not much of a pancake eater.
The ironic part of eating at the Barrel was one of their menu items - Muffins with "Fresh Maine Wild-Blueberries." Um, hold on a second... Not sure how they were advertising the berries as fresh considering that they weren't even in season... They weren't foolin' me!
After brunch was finished, we were on our way to St. Louis!!!
Dropping a Deuce & The Goon Squad...
--------------------------------------------------
Somewhere along the way, Cooch coins the phrase "drop a deuce" - i.e., take a shit. The phrase will live on in infamy, much like the term "goon squad." Lavinius and Cooch will make several references to both words throughout the course of the trip...
Despite our history of having "challenges" getting from point A to point B, Lavinius and Cooch didn't get lost once on their way to St. Louis - that's right, not once! A quick stop off the Interstate for some gas and quality time for Cooch to drop a deuce at the gas station was all that impeded our mid-afternoon arrival to the Hampton Inn at the Gateway Arch in St. Louis. Talk about great location - we were within walking distance to all the main tourist attractions, including the ballpark. We could see Edward Jones Stadium (home of the St. Louis Rams) from our hotel room window - the temperature on the EJ Stadium outdoor-display read 101 degrees.
Bored stiff and rustlin' around the hotel room, Lavinius and Cooch decided to order WebTV Internet access from the comfort of our own room. I mean, the hotel boasted break-neck speeds and unfettered access! 24 hours for only $9.95!!! What a deal!!! Of course, the shit was slower than my 28.8 bps modem used to be and the screen was so condensed that most of the web pages wouldn't fit on the screen. Oh, and no mouse - navigation consisted of using the TV remote and cursor keys on a wireless keyboard (a keyboard with dead batteries, that is!!!). Enough with the WebTV already! We had places to be...
A quick spray of odor eaters to their sandals and the dynamic duo (who other than Lavinius and Cooch?) were on their way to the Gateway Arch Riverfront to take a riverboat tour. Did I mention that it was over 100 degrees? After purchasing our tour tickets and making our way to the boat, a middle-aged woman collecting the tour tickets - who looked like a haggard grandmother - asked if Lavinius was a model, hitting on him with nasty come-on lines. I mean, who wouldn't mistake L for a model? She either thought he was cute or gay... Hopefully it was the former... The boat tour was a bit drab - we were on the Mississippi River and the primary purpose of the river for St. Louis' sake was interstate commerce. As such, there were many barges and unsightly riverbank spots, low-lighted by a filthy body of water. Quite frankly, if we both were to drop a deuce into the Mississippi, nobody would have been able to differentiate between that and the other particles floating atop the river...
St. Louis - famous for BBQ?
-----------------------------------
Back to the hotel, with fresh batteries in the WebTV keyboard... Lavinius was dead-set on finding BBQ for dinner - metaphorically, he associates St. Louis to BBQ as Maine would be to blueberries or lobster. After a serious struggle with WebTV, we managed to find a respectable BBQ restaurant that met Lavinius' strict standards - Bandana's Bar-B-Q in Clayton, MO, just 15-20 minutes or so from the hotel. Why not? It's not like we'd get lost!
I'd give Bandana's 3 of 5 stars - just average; BBQ sauces were a bit runny and their "hot" sauce was relatively mild (we were drinking the stuff before our meal arrived!). We got some sort of sampler dish - chicken thighs (or was that turkey?), pork, more pork, some pork-stuff, roasted pigs' ass, garlic bread, and baked potatoes. Honestly, there was a ton of shit on the plate and I can't remember everything that was on it - but I do know that we polished off about 2 or 3 bottles'-worth of BBQ sauce before we were finished. Lavinius accused me of taking more than half of the pork giblets, but the muhfuckah was voraciously downing 75% of the dish's contents while I was drinking my beer - seriously, the skinny mofo can eat...
Back to the hotel for us. Some television before bedtime and day 3 was officially in the books...
Monday, June 06, 2005
2005 MLB Midwest Tour Chronicles: Day 2
"I friggin HATE getting up early!"
June 6, 2004
Tage Inn
Manchester, NH
Did I mention I hate getting up early?
When I say that, I'm not talking about 8:00am early. I'm talking getting up at an hour of the morning so early, the roosters are still sleeping. That's exactly what was in store for the Coochman and myself.
We had arranged for a 4:00am wake-up call (which are always fun) as well as set the alarm on the clock/radio the night before to go off at 4:15, just to cover our asses.
Well, I had woken up around 4, but I was still laying in bed half comatose. Whenever I have to get up that early, I milk every single friggin minute of rest until the utters of time run dry.
It had gotten to be 4:05...then 4:10...still no wake-up call from the front desk. Finally, at 4:15 the alarm goes off. This wakes Cooch out of his deep sleep. He then gets out of bed and hits the shower.
While Cooch was in the shower, at 4:23, our wake-up call finally came. They were only 23 minutes late, but it was still much appreciated. NOT!
After I showered up, Cooch and I went downstairs for the hotel's complimentary breakfast. Homefolks (a combination of homeboys and homegirls) at the Tage Inn spared no expense. They had a Belgian Waffle iron along with cups of waffle batter for guests to make their own waffles. At 5:00am, Cooch and I were the first ones down there, and we took full advantage of the waffles. That was some good shizzle.
After downing the waffles, it was time to head to the airport. To our dismay, Mallory the Shuttle wench wasn't working first shift. Cooch and I were hoping she did shuttling 24/7, but she let us down. We just needed that bubbly personality that early in the morning. But the only thing bubbly on Mallory was her ass, belly, and flapjack arms. (Mallory, if you're reading this, I'm only kidding. If you're not, I'm not kidding and mean everything I say. Just to show you how bad I feel, enjoy a few cookies at the front desk...on me).
Fast forward to the flight to Chicago, which was uneventful for the most part. We got in around 7:45 central time. Both our cell phones automatically adjusted the clock to reflect central time, which was effin cool. I don't get out of the eastern time zone too much, so seeing the clock on my phone changing had me awe-struck.
Next order of bidness once we were at Chicago Midway was get our luggage at baggage claim. I think we each had one bag, and if I recall we didn't have to wait long for 'em.
After getting our luggage, it was time to pick up our rental car at Budget, which was located in the airport parking garage. Leave it to our retarded, no navigation skills selves to have trouble finding the fucking thing. We must have walked around in circles three times and went upstairs once or twice for no reason at all. Finally, we came to our senses and asked the chick at the Budget counter where to go, since apparantly her directions didn't register the first time. Half of us mentally was still asleep at the Tage Inn in Manchester.
About a half hour later, we finally found the Budget station in the parking garage, got our car, and from there, we were off to Wisconsin.
Our jaunt to Milwaukee was deathly boring. We got a crash course on what it was like to drive in Wisconsin. If you find miles upon miles of grass fields and farmland interesting, then driving in Wisconsin is for you, but the rest of us...find some other forms of entertainment because the scenery sure ain't gonna give you any.
Eventually, when we regained our bearings, we hit a local mall to get some info on the local attractions. One place we decided to hit was the Harley-Davidson plant about 15 minutes to the north. So that's what we did. It was a pretty cool. We got a narrated tour of the plant. Since it was so loud in there, our tour guide handed out headsets. The guide spoke into a microphone which was supposed to resonate into our headsets, but I could barely pick out a cotdamn thing. I must have gotten the headset from Mars or something. But it was pretty interesting to actually go into the factory where they make Harley's and check out the process that goes into making those kick-ass bikes.
As good as the Harley tour was, it paled in comparison to the one tour I was looking forward to doing in Milwaukee- the Miller Brewing Plant tour.
That tour was solid, even taking into account that our tour was hijacked by Will. When he skipped into the auditorium with his little flower basket by his side and daisy in his hair, my gaydar started going crazy. Not to mention it was a real wood killer considering we had a cute chick leading us into the auditorium for the introductory film on Miller Beer.
Overall, the tour was real good, but it could have done without Richard Simmons' Godson. The best part of the tour was easily the free beer! We claimed our beer in the famed Miller Beer Garden. It's amazing how fresh the beer tastes at the plant versus at the bar or in a restaurant when it's already lost some of its freshness. Cooch and I agreed that the complimentary beer was excellent. Each of us went back for three.
They even offered people a chance to send postcards (postage paid) to people, so Cooch and I cranked out a few posties to peeps back home.
After the tours, we were starving like mofos. We were looking for this one place to eat, but we were never able to find it because the numbering on the street was all fucked up, so we settled on eating at this place nearby on the riverfront. I forgot what it was called, but I had some of the best steak there that I've ever had. Cooch I believe got steak fajitas. He seemed to enjoy his food, too.
After our meal, it was time to head to Miller Park to watch the Yankees and Brewers. To our surprise, we got to see "the Big Unit" Randy Johnson pitch for the Yankees. We had no idea he was pitching because we never checked, but it was a nice surprise. With us being die hard Sox fans, we were rooting for the unit to get shelled like a fucking oyster.
Unit didn't exactly get shelled, but that big ugly bastahd was laboring the entire night. He was over 100 pitches at the end of five innings. Milwaukee had jumped out to a 3-0 lead on him, but the Yankees came back and tied it at 3-3 when Brew Crew starter Doug Davis couldn't find the strike zone all of a sudden.
It stayed tied 3-3 until Junior Spivey jacked a solo shot off the Unit to give the Brewers a 4-3 lead.
Score stayed that way into the 9th. Brewers brought closer Turnbow into the game, who is one of the select few big leaguers sporting a mullet. Someone should tell him the 80's called and they want their mullet back.
Anyway, shit got tense in the 9th. Yanks put a couple of baserunners on with either zero or one out. Looked like they were gonna tie it. But the game ended when the right fielder made a nice running catch on a liner by Jeter. It was a sweet catch that ended up being a Sportscenter Top Play.
What a way to start the trip...seeing the Yankees lose.
The Yankees weren't the only thing to fall in Milwaukee that night. On our way out to our car, which took about an hour to find (Stevie Wonder has better navagational skills), we spot this woman in the parking lot laying unconscious on her back. A guy was kneeling over her trying to get her to come to her senses. When I first saw her, she looked like she was dead. I was getting ready to perform CPR. Cooch asked the guy if he should call for help. Finally the guy got the woman to show signs of life. She said something inaudible and then passed out again. Never seen anything like that in my life. It had to be that Milwaukee beer.
Alright, I'm at that point in the blog that I have to ask a very important question.
Are any of you still reading this? If you are, you've got an attention span the size of Mallory's watermelon asscheeks.
By the time we got in the car, it was 10:30 and time to drive to Bloomington, IL...which was about 200 miles away.
Leave it to us to get lost.
Now, it didn't help that Wisconsin hasn't adapted to 20th century technology of lights on the highway. We got as far as the Illinois border...then we stopped for gas and asked for directions from two different people. Of course, we got two different sets of directions, which isn't a good combination when you have a couple of guys who are navagationally impaired.
Finally...at 2:30am, we got to our hotel in Bloomington. By that time, we had been awake nearly 24 hours!
What a day! It was time for some much needed sleep...
Tage Inn
Manchester, NH
Did I mention I hate getting up early?
When I say that, I'm not talking about 8:00am early. I'm talking getting up at an hour of the morning so early, the roosters are still sleeping. That's exactly what was in store for the Coochman and myself.
We had arranged for a 4:00am wake-up call (which are always fun) as well as set the alarm on the clock/radio the night before to go off at 4:15, just to cover our asses.
Well, I had woken up around 4, but I was still laying in bed half comatose. Whenever I have to get up that early, I milk every single friggin minute of rest until the utters of time run dry.
It had gotten to be 4:05...then 4:10...still no wake-up call from the front desk. Finally, at 4:15 the alarm goes off. This wakes Cooch out of his deep sleep. He then gets out of bed and hits the shower.
While Cooch was in the shower, at 4:23, our wake-up call finally came. They were only 23 minutes late, but it was still much appreciated. NOT!
After I showered up, Cooch and I went downstairs for the hotel's complimentary breakfast. Homefolks (a combination of homeboys and homegirls) at the Tage Inn spared no expense. They had a Belgian Waffle iron along with cups of waffle batter for guests to make their own waffles. At 5:00am, Cooch and I were the first ones down there, and we took full advantage of the waffles. That was some good shizzle.
After downing the waffles, it was time to head to the airport. To our dismay, Mallory the Shuttle wench wasn't working first shift. Cooch and I were hoping she did shuttling 24/7, but she let us down. We just needed that bubbly personality that early in the morning. But the only thing bubbly on Mallory was her ass, belly, and flapjack arms. (Mallory, if you're reading this, I'm only kidding. If you're not, I'm not kidding and mean everything I say. Just to show you how bad I feel, enjoy a few cookies at the front desk...on me).
Fast forward to the flight to Chicago, which was uneventful for the most part. We got in around 7:45 central time. Both our cell phones automatically adjusted the clock to reflect central time, which was effin cool. I don't get out of the eastern time zone too much, so seeing the clock on my phone changing had me awe-struck.
Next order of bidness once we were at Chicago Midway was get our luggage at baggage claim. I think we each had one bag, and if I recall we didn't have to wait long for 'em.
After getting our luggage, it was time to pick up our rental car at Budget, which was located in the airport parking garage. Leave it to our retarded, no navigation skills selves to have trouble finding the fucking thing. We must have walked around in circles three times and went upstairs once or twice for no reason at all. Finally, we came to our senses and asked the chick at the Budget counter where to go, since apparantly her directions didn't register the first time. Half of us mentally was still asleep at the Tage Inn in Manchester.
About a half hour later, we finally found the Budget station in the parking garage, got our car, and from there, we were off to Wisconsin.
Our jaunt to Milwaukee was deathly boring. We got a crash course on what it was like to drive in Wisconsin. If you find miles upon miles of grass fields and farmland interesting, then driving in Wisconsin is for you, but the rest of us...find some other forms of entertainment because the scenery sure ain't gonna give you any.
Eventually, when we regained our bearings, we hit a local mall to get some info on the local attractions. One place we decided to hit was the Harley-Davidson plant about 15 minutes to the north. So that's what we did. It was a pretty cool. We got a narrated tour of the plant. Since it was so loud in there, our tour guide handed out headsets. The guide spoke into a microphone which was supposed to resonate into our headsets, but I could barely pick out a cotdamn thing. I must have gotten the headset from Mars or something. But it was pretty interesting to actually go into the factory where they make Harley's and check out the process that goes into making those kick-ass bikes.
As good as the Harley tour was, it paled in comparison to the one tour I was looking forward to doing in Milwaukee- the Miller Brewing Plant tour.
That tour was solid, even taking into account that our tour was hijacked by Will. When he skipped into the auditorium with his little flower basket by his side and daisy in his hair, my gaydar started going crazy. Not to mention it was a real wood killer considering we had a cute chick leading us into the auditorium for the introductory film on Miller Beer.
Overall, the tour was real good, but it could have done without Richard Simmons' Godson. The best part of the tour was easily the free beer! We claimed our beer in the famed Miller Beer Garden. It's amazing how fresh the beer tastes at the plant versus at the bar or in a restaurant when it's already lost some of its freshness. Cooch and I agreed that the complimentary beer was excellent. Each of us went back for three.
They even offered people a chance to send postcards (postage paid) to people, so Cooch and I cranked out a few posties to peeps back home.
After the tours, we were starving like mofos. We were looking for this one place to eat, but we were never able to find it because the numbering on the street was all fucked up, so we settled on eating at this place nearby on the riverfront. I forgot what it was called, but I had some of the best steak there that I've ever had. Cooch I believe got steak fajitas. He seemed to enjoy his food, too.
After our meal, it was time to head to Miller Park to watch the Yankees and Brewers. To our surprise, we got to see "the Big Unit" Randy Johnson pitch for the Yankees. We had no idea he was pitching because we never checked, but it was a nice surprise. With us being die hard Sox fans, we were rooting for the unit to get shelled like a fucking oyster.
Unit didn't exactly get shelled, but that big ugly bastahd was laboring the entire night. He was over 100 pitches at the end of five innings. Milwaukee had jumped out to a 3-0 lead on him, but the Yankees came back and tied it at 3-3 when Brew Crew starter Doug Davis couldn't find the strike zone all of a sudden.
It stayed tied 3-3 until Junior Spivey jacked a solo shot off the Unit to give the Brewers a 4-3 lead.
Score stayed that way into the 9th. Brewers brought closer Turnbow into the game, who is one of the select few big leaguers sporting a mullet. Someone should tell him the 80's called and they want their mullet back.
Anyway, shit got tense in the 9th. Yanks put a couple of baserunners on with either zero or one out. Looked like they were gonna tie it. But the game ended when the right fielder made a nice running catch on a liner by Jeter. It was a sweet catch that ended up being a Sportscenter Top Play.
What a way to start the trip...seeing the Yankees lose.
The Yankees weren't the only thing to fall in Milwaukee that night. On our way out to our car, which took about an hour to find (Stevie Wonder has better navagational skills), we spot this woman in the parking lot laying unconscious on her back. A guy was kneeling over her trying to get her to come to her senses. When I first saw her, she looked like she was dead. I was getting ready to perform CPR. Cooch asked the guy if he should call for help. Finally the guy got the woman to show signs of life. She said something inaudible and then passed out again. Never seen anything like that in my life. It had to be that Milwaukee beer.
Alright, I'm at that point in the blog that I have to ask a very important question.
Are any of you still reading this? If you are, you've got an attention span the size of Mallory's watermelon asscheeks.
By the time we got in the car, it was 10:30 and time to drive to Bloomington, IL...which was about 200 miles away.
Leave it to us to get lost.
Now, it didn't help that Wisconsin hasn't adapted to 20th century technology of lights on the highway. We got as far as the Illinois border...then we stopped for gas and asked for directions from two different people. Of course, we got two different sets of directions, which isn't a good combination when you have a couple of guys who are navagationally impaired.
Finally...at 2:30am, we got to our hotel in Bloomington. By that time, we had been awake nearly 24 hours!
What a day! It was time for some much needed sleep...
Sunday, June 05, 2005
2005 MLB Midwest Tour Chronicles: Day 1
A Dolefully Ominous Beginning...
DAY 1: June 5 2005
Severe scattered thunderstorms and tornadic activity forced Lavinius and Cooch to change their original flight plans - instead of arriving at Chicago Midway Airport by 6:35 p.m. via Southwest Airlines flight 709 (out of the Manchester, NH airport), they chose to take the 6:30 a.m. flight 1541 the following morning.
Overnight accomodations: The Tage Inn in Manchester, NH. With complimentary shuttle service to/fro the airport and the Manchester area, there really wasn't much of a decision to make regarding our overnight stay. Shuttle service was "gladly" rendered by Mallory (aka The Shuttle Bitch). I say "gladly" because the bitch had the sense of humor comparible to a bag of rocks - minus the good looks and charm...
We decided to venture out instead of stay couped up in the hotel - our mission was to find some high-quality grub (actually, we didn't care so much about the quality, we were fucking hungry and it was getting late). The receptionist at the Tage Inn suggested Billy's Pub, an apparent well-renkowned sports pub in the area, so Lavinius and I took off, escorted by The Shuttle Bitch.
Let's just say that Billy's Pub was in a shady neighborhood - some Wigga tried to climb an adjacent 3-story aparment complex Spiderman-style [read: scaling the apartment from the outside porches] with a cigarette in his mouth; apparently the cost of the cigarette was much larger than the likely surgery he'd need on his fractured skull, because he didn't want to leave the cigarette behind -- even if that meant he'd plunge to his death since one hand was too busy handling the burning butt instead of gripping the balconies with both hands... Two men on the third floor were drinking beer, encouraging Spiderman to climb upstairs from the outside, rather than use the staircase, which was directly in front of these clowns. Anyway, Spiderman made it without incident - and more importantly, his cigarette was still intact.
Inside Billy's Pub, Lavinius downed some chili and Cooch had a Bison burger - the grub was as good as advertised... Back to the hotel for us, though, because we had a long day ahead...
Day 1 was over. We had little more than 4 hours of sleep before our plane flew out the following day... It was a dolefully ominous beginning to a trip - nasty weather was projected in the Midwest region for the next 10 days...
Severe scattered thunderstorms and tornadic activity forced Lavinius and Cooch to change their original flight plans - instead of arriving at Chicago Midway Airport by 6:35 p.m. via Southwest Airlines flight 709 (out of the Manchester, NH airport), they chose to take the 6:30 a.m. flight 1541 the following morning.
Overnight accomodations: The Tage Inn in Manchester, NH. With complimentary shuttle service to/fro the airport and the Manchester area, there really wasn't much of a decision to make regarding our overnight stay. Shuttle service was "gladly" rendered by Mallory (aka The Shuttle Bitch). I say "gladly" because the bitch had the sense of humor comparible to a bag of rocks - minus the good looks and charm...
We decided to venture out instead of stay couped up in the hotel - our mission was to find some high-quality grub (actually, we didn't care so much about the quality, we were fucking hungry and it was getting late). The receptionist at the Tage Inn suggested Billy's Pub, an apparent well-renkowned sports pub in the area, so Lavinius and I took off, escorted by The Shuttle Bitch.
Let's just say that Billy's Pub was in a shady neighborhood - some Wigga tried to climb an adjacent 3-story aparment complex Spiderman-style [read: scaling the apartment from the outside porches] with a cigarette in his mouth; apparently the cost of the cigarette was much larger than the likely surgery he'd need on his fractured skull, because he didn't want to leave the cigarette behind -- even if that meant he'd plunge to his death since one hand was too busy handling the burning butt instead of gripping the balconies with both hands... Two men on the third floor were drinking beer, encouraging Spiderman to climb upstairs from the outside, rather than use the staircase, which was directly in front of these clowns. Anyway, Spiderman made it without incident - and more importantly, his cigarette was still intact.
Inside Billy's Pub, Lavinius downed some chili and Cooch had a Bison burger - the grub was as good as advertised... Back to the hotel for us, though, because we had a long day ahead...
Day 1 was over. We had little more than 4 hours of sleep before our plane flew out the following day... It was a dolefully ominous beginning to a trip - nasty weather was projected in the Midwest region for the next 10 days...
Monday, May 30, 2005
belated trivia regarding may 20 and jason varitek...
For the fifth straight year, C Jason Varitek homered on May 20. His home run in the second [inning] was his ninth [of the season], trailing both OF Manny Ramirez and DH David Ortiz by one for the team lead. ...
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Lavinius's bet w/ his Celtics fan friend, revisited
For those that are not familiar with the backstory and/or are memory deficient and/or suffer from amnesia, allow me to reference the original post, dated February 24, 2005...
TITLE: So I Have a Friend Who is a Celtics Fan
LINK: February 2005 archives- Scroll Down
My buddy has always been a huge Antoine Walker fan. So much so that his poster is absolutely covered with.......but that's besides the point...
Anyway, he's obviously elated that the Celtics got Walker back in a trade. He's been text messaging me expressing his elation. He even went so far as to say that the Celtics could "go further" than Detroit!
For the record, in addition to being a Red Sox, Marlins, and Bills fan, I'm also a Detroit Pistons fan, so this text message was definitely intended on getting a reaction out of me. How did I react, you ask? Here is my text message back to him, verbatim:
"You willing to back that up with more than just a silly claim? 20 bucks. You owe me 20 if the Stons (editor's note: short for "Pistons") go further. I owe you 20 if the C's (editor's note: short for "Celtics") go further. We got a bet?"
The big homer that he is, he replies back with "Sure."
Haha, I love it! I don't think he was expecting me to reply back with a "put your money where your mouth is" ultimatum. With my buddy being a prideful guy, I forced his hand. He would have looked utterly spineless and gutless had he declined. He had no choice but to take the bet, a bet in all likelihood he is going to lose.
I'd be very curious to know how many people outside of the Boston and Detroit areas, and how many non-Boston and non-Detroit fans would have taken that bet with me? I can't imagine it's something that the average neutral observer would have taken me up on.
----
Well, it's now May 8th, 2005. The Pistons have long since advanced to the 2nd round, while the Celtics, as advertised, have made an early exit. I plan on collecting on my $20 when I go up for my buddy's wedding, the same buddy I made the bet with. I hope him looking me in the eye as a defeated man handing me that crisp Andrew Jackson won't tarnish his wedding day weekend too much...
Ultimately, Twan made them a better team. But he was not going to elevate the Celtics to a championship level. Twan will now most likely leave the Celtics in the off-season and go to another team where he can shoot his trademark 42% from the floor and jack up ill-advised shot after ill advised shot. Happy trails, Twan, and thanks for helping me win $20. I'd give you a share, but you stole enough money from the Celtics already...
Moral of the story: Logical thinking beats emotional thinking everyday of the week and twice on Sunday
TITLE: So I Have a Friend Who is a Celtics Fan
LINK: February 2005 archives- Scroll Down
My buddy has always been a huge Antoine Walker fan. So much so that his poster is absolutely covered with.......but that's besides the point...
Anyway, he's obviously elated that the Celtics got Walker back in a trade. He's been text messaging me expressing his elation. He even went so far as to say that the Celtics could "go further" than Detroit!
For the record, in addition to being a Red Sox, Marlins, and Bills fan, I'm also a Detroit Pistons fan, so this text message was definitely intended on getting a reaction out of me. How did I react, you ask? Here is my text message back to him, verbatim:
"You willing to back that up with more than just a silly claim? 20 bucks. You owe me 20 if the Stons (editor's note: short for "Pistons") go further. I owe you 20 if the C's (editor's note: short for "Celtics") go further. We got a bet?"
The big homer that he is, he replies back with "Sure."
Haha, I love it! I don't think he was expecting me to reply back with a "put your money where your mouth is" ultimatum. With my buddy being a prideful guy, I forced his hand. He would have looked utterly spineless and gutless had he declined. He had no choice but to take the bet, a bet in all likelihood he is going to lose.
I'd be very curious to know how many people outside of the Boston and Detroit areas, and how many non-Boston and non-Detroit fans would have taken that bet with me? I can't imagine it's something that the average neutral observer would have taken me up on.
----
Well, it's now May 8th, 2005. The Pistons have long since advanced to the 2nd round, while the Celtics, as advertised, have made an early exit. I plan on collecting on my $20 when I go up for my buddy's wedding, the same buddy I made the bet with. I hope him looking me in the eye as a defeated man handing me that crisp Andrew Jackson won't tarnish his wedding day weekend too much...
Ultimately, Twan made them a better team. But he was not going to elevate the Celtics to a championship level. Twan will now most likely leave the Celtics in the off-season and go to another team where he can shoot his trademark 42% from the floor and jack up ill-advised shot after ill advised shot. Happy trails, Twan, and thanks for helping me win $20. I'd give you a share, but you stole enough money from the Celtics already...
Moral of the story: Logical thinking beats emotional thinking everyday of the week and twice on Sunday
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Toronto at Yankees: Wang vs. Bush! (I shit you not)
I believe we have a first folks! This will be the first pitching match-up in major league history where a Wang goes against a Bush. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
For more details on this highly anticipated matchup, click here
For more details on this highly anticipated matchup, click here
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Lavinius and Cooch 2005 Midwest Swing
June 5: Fly into Chicago (Midway), rent car, drive to Milwaukee, check into hotel.
June 6: Milwaukee, WI, possible side trip to Lambeau Field if time permits, NY Yankees @ Milwaukee Brewers, Miller Park
June 6 (very late night after Brewers game)- Drive to St. Louis, MO, but stop over in Bloomington, IL to ease drive-load...check into hotel
June 7: Finish drive to St. Louis, MO...check into hotel, sightsee
June 8: More sightseeing, Boston Red Sox @ St. Louis Cardinals, Busch Stadium
June 9: Sightsee around St. Louis, or side excursion, or drive to Chicago, IL?
June 10: Drive to Chicago, IL and check into hotel, sightsee
June 11: Sightsee, possible side excursion, 100-200 mi day trip
June 12: ESPN Sunday Night Baseball, Red Sox @ Cubs, Wrigley Field, Lavinius & Cooch will be Front & Center!
June 13: Arizona D-Backs @ Chicago White Sox, U.S. Cellular Field
June 14: Head back to Florida (Lavinius) and Maine (Cooch), respectively
June 6: Milwaukee, WI, possible side trip to Lambeau Field if time permits, NY Yankees @ Milwaukee Brewers, Miller Park
June 6 (very late night after Brewers game)- Drive to St. Louis, MO, but stop over in Bloomington, IL to ease drive-load...check into hotel
June 7: Finish drive to St. Louis, MO...check into hotel, sightsee
June 8: More sightseeing, Boston Red Sox @ St. Louis Cardinals, Busch Stadium
June 9: Sightsee around St. Louis, or side excursion, or drive to Chicago, IL?
June 10: Drive to Chicago, IL and check into hotel, sightsee
June 11: Sightsee, possible side excursion, 100-200 mi day trip
June 12: ESPN Sunday Night Baseball, Red Sox @ Cubs, Wrigley Field, Lavinius & Cooch will be Front & Center!
June 13: Arizona D-Backs @ Chicago White Sox, U.S. Cellular Field
June 14: Head back to Florida (Lavinius) and Maine (Cooch), respectively
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Mother of the Year
Police: Woman sold daughter for car
Second daughter allegedly forced into prostitution
Wednesday, April 13, 2005 Posted: 8:07 AM EDT (1207 GMT)
OKEECHOBEE, Florida (AP) -- A woman was arrested for allegedly forcing her 12-year-old daughter into prostitution and trading a 14-year-old daughter for a car.
The 39-year-old woman was charged with aggravated child abuse and sexual performance by a child. Both girls have been turned over to the Department of Children & Families.
The youngest girl and her mother were living out of their car, and would sell sex for food and an occasional shower at the men's homes, according to a report by Okeechobee County Sheriff's Detective K.J. Ammons.
The youngest daughter is three months pregnant, the report said; she was 11 when her mother first forced her to have sex with a man. The older daughter refused to be a prostitute and was allegedly sold for a car.
"She was sold to a man for a Mercury Cougar," Ammons said. "But he never gave the mother the vehicle." He was arrested in the case.
The youngest girl told detectives her mother took them out of school. "She said she was a good student and made A's and B's, and all she wants to do is go back to school," he said.
Second daughter allegedly forced into prostitution
Wednesday, April 13, 2005 Posted: 8:07 AM EDT (1207 GMT)
OKEECHOBEE, Florida (AP) -- A woman was arrested for allegedly forcing her 12-year-old daughter into prostitution and trading a 14-year-old daughter for a car.
The 39-year-old woman was charged with aggravated child abuse and sexual performance by a child. Both girls have been turned over to the Department of Children & Families.
The youngest girl and her mother were living out of their car, and would sell sex for food and an occasional shower at the men's homes, according to a report by Okeechobee County Sheriff's Detective K.J. Ammons.
The youngest daughter is three months pregnant, the report said; she was 11 when her mother first forced her to have sex with a man. The older daughter refused to be a prostitute and was allegedly sold for a car.
"She was sold to a man for a Mercury Cougar," Ammons said. "But he never gave the mother the vehicle." He was arrested in the case.
The youngest girl told detectives her mother took them out of school. "She said she was a good student and made A's and B's, and all she wants to do is go back to school," he said.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
remind me to kick punxsutawney phil's ass next time i see him...
ya know, i can handle the 25 degree weather at 7 a.m. - springtime in maine might not be the warmest climate in the states, but, c'mon, it's snowing!!!
snowing on april 12th? are you kidding me?
snowing on april 12th? are you kidding me?
Monday, April 11, 2005
Red Sox' Opening Day vs. Yankees at Fenway
Red Sox 8, Stinkees 1
Monday, April 11, 2005
Just some observations:
Monday, April 11, 2005
Just some observations:
1. bellhorn kept up with his magic number of strikeouts per game - two. he has k'd twice in 5 of 7 games. the other two games, you ask? 0 Ks and 3 Ks. so, that's 2 or more strikeouts in 6 of 7 games... good plate discipline bellhorn, keep it up!
2. you think arod's a bit nervous to play against the sox? in 7 games this young season, he's got 2 errors - both against the sox. of course, his first error of the season cost the yankees that game. i don't even need to mention that gay hand-slap he tried against bronson arroyo in the '04 alcs - or how he choked in the alcs - i think you get my drift.
3. are there any 1bman out there worse than jason giambi? anywhere? he was conveniently sitting out the fenway season opener - tino martinez, who's got to be about 49 by now, got the start. giambi's made 3 errors in 6 games. he's absolutely horrendous with the glove. now that he's off the 'roids, he's totally fucking useless. talk about dead money. what, he's on pace to hit maybe 25 HRs this year? but he's on pace to make about 70 errors! seems to be a bit overpaid at $13.4 million this season don't ya think?
4. speaking of severely overpaid... can this be right? mussina's scheduled to make $19mn this year... BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAH A AHHAHAHAHAHAHAH *choking* and bernie williams will make over $12mn! BWAHAHHA AHAHAH AHAHA.
Monday, April 04, 2005
MLB '05 Opening Day: Red Sox vs. the Yankees at Yankee Stadium
Red Sox 2, Stinkees 9
Sunday, April 3, 2005
Just a few observations:
1. Mark Bellhorn is already in midseason form, continuing where he left off last year - that is, leading the league in strikeouts! After his 3 whiffs in the MLB '05 season opener, he's on pace to strikeout 486 times...
2. I heart Tanyon Sturtze. Sturtze, who is allegedly being stalked by Cooch, opened the season with two perfect innings of work against Cooch's beloved Red Sox. He is certainly the front-runner for the Cy Young award (ah, Sturtze, not Cooch)...
3. Speaking of perfect games: had it not been for the 2 hit-batsmen, walk, balk, and 10 hits in 4.1 innings, David Wells would have also been on pace for a perfect game! BWAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHH
Sunday, April 3, 2005
Just a few observations:
1. Mark Bellhorn is already in midseason form, continuing where he left off last year - that is, leading the league in strikeouts! After his 3 whiffs in the MLB '05 season opener, he's on pace to strikeout 486 times...
2. I heart Tanyon Sturtze. Sturtze, who is allegedly being stalked by Cooch, opened the season with two perfect innings of work against Cooch's beloved Red Sox. He is certainly the front-runner for the Cy Young award (ah, Sturtze, not Cooch)...
3. Speaking of perfect games: had it not been for the 2 hit-batsmen, walk, balk, and 10 hits in 4.1 innings, David Wells would have also been on pace for a perfect game! BWAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHH
Friday, April 01, 2005
Byung-Hyun Kim Reacquired by the Red Sox
FORT MYERS, Fla. -- The Boston Red Sox traded reliever Byung-Hyun Kim to the Colorado Rockies, calling the $10 million, two-year deal they gave him in 2004 "a mistake."
Just two days later, the Sox reacquired his services for cash considerations and a player to be named later. "We didn't realize the true effect of Kim leaving the organization," stated General Manager Theo Epstein. Two nearby rice-shops and multiple sushi bars closed down, citing a lack of business, formerly supported by Kim. "Kim, his 32 brothers and sisters, parents, and great-grandparents used to visit us daily," said a local shop owner. "Now, he's no longer in Beantown, no longer our customer. We simply cannot survive without his business."
Oh, yeah. Happy April Fools...
Just two days later, the Sox reacquired his services for cash considerations and a player to be named later. "We didn't realize the true effect of Kim leaving the organization," stated General Manager Theo Epstein. Two nearby rice-shops and multiple sushi bars closed down, citing a lack of business, formerly supported by Kim. "Kim, his 32 brothers and sisters, parents, and great-grandparents used to visit us daily," said a local shop owner. "Now, he's no longer in Beantown, no longer our customer. We simply cannot survive without his business."
Oh, yeah. Happy April Fools...
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Antoine Walker is not The Answer
cooch: when the game's on the line, down the stretch, it doesn't matter if your guy has 40 points in the game if he can't hit a couple of clutch ones w/ time winding down... twan's not great, period.
lavinius: ...in the end, he's going to kill you with some of the worst shooting you'll ever see since Stevie Wonder tried duck hunting...
cooch: i've seen better shots in a b-rated porno...
lavinius: Canseco said in his book that Twan tried to shoot himself with steroids and missed...
BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA
lavinius: ...in the end, he's going to kill you with some of the worst shooting you'll ever see since Stevie Wonder tried duck hunting...
cooch: i've seen better shots in a b-rated porno...
lavinius: Canseco said in his book that Twan tried to shoot himself with steroids and missed...
BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Gives new meaning to the term "finger foods"
Diner finds finger in chili
Officials: Diner finds finger in chili
Thursday, March 24, 2005 Posted: 8:48 AM EST (1348 GMT)
SAN FRANCISCO, California (Reuters) -- A diner at a Wendy's fast food restaurant in San Jose, California, found a human finger in a bowl of chili prepared by the chain, local officials said Wednesday.
"This individual apparently did take a spoonful, did have a finger in their mouth and then, you know, spit it out and recognized it," said Ben Gale, director of the department of environmental health for Santa Clara County. "Then they had some kind of emotional reaction and vomited."
Local officials launched an investigation after the incident Tuesday night and the medical examiner determined Wednesday that the object was a human finger.
Officials are trying to determine whether the finger came in the raw materials Wendy's used to prepare the chili, Gale said.
Wendy's International Inc. corporate office did not immediately return a call for comment. Wendy's is the third-largest hamburger chain.
Officials: Diner finds finger in chili
Thursday, March 24, 2005 Posted: 8:48 AM EST (1348 GMT)
SAN FRANCISCO, California (Reuters) -- A diner at a Wendy's fast food restaurant in San Jose, California, found a human finger in a bowl of chili prepared by the chain, local officials said Wednesday.
"This individual apparently did take a spoonful, did have a finger in their mouth and then, you know, spit it out and recognized it," said Ben Gale, director of the department of environmental health for Santa Clara County. "Then they had some kind of emotional reaction and vomited."
Local officials launched an investigation after the incident Tuesday night and the medical examiner determined Wednesday that the object was a human finger.
Officials are trying to determine whether the finger came in the raw materials Wendy's used to prepare the chili, Gale said.
Wendy's International Inc. corporate office did not immediately return a call for comment. Wendy's is the third-largest hamburger chain.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Dude, I wish I didn't get a Dell!
Sup ladies and gents! Just returning from 20th century fucking purgatory as I've been without my laptop since Saturday. But, after dropping $700 down for a new motherboard and installation/diagnostics, I am muthafuckin back! This is a bigger return than Freddy fuckin Krueger, Jason, Mike Myers, and Rocky combined!
Oh, and Dell can friggin blow me. Their computers are on the same hash their former spokesman "Steve" is on...
Oh, and Dell can friggin blow me. Their computers are on the same hash their former spokesman "Steve" is on...
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Cooch's Random Isht Mix
1. twice as hard - the black crowes
2. lean back - terror squad
3. the red - chevelle
4. rock the casbah - the clash
5. foolin' - def leppard
6. the seed - the roots
7. here and now - luther vandross
8. the gift - jim brickman
9. cold hard bitch - jet
10. new york state of mind - tony bennett
11. santa monica - everclear
12. i'm already there - lonestar
13. calling all girls - rick springfield
14. place in this world - michael w. smith
15. rocket queen - guns n' roses
16. rock the casbah - the clash (DID I PUT THIS SONG ON TWICE?)
17. babe, i'm gonna leave you - great white
18. the dam at otter creek - live
2. lean back - terror squad
3. the red - chevelle
4. rock the casbah - the clash
5. foolin' - def leppard
6. the seed - the roots
7. here and now - luther vandross
8. the gift - jim brickman
9. cold hard bitch - jet
10. new york state of mind - tony bennett
11. santa monica - everclear
12. i'm already there - lonestar
13. calling all girls - rick springfield
14. place in this world - michael w. smith
15. rocket queen - guns n' roses
16. rock the casbah - the clash (DID I PUT THIS SONG ON TWICE?)
17. babe, i'm gonna leave you - great white
18. the dam at otter creek - live
Friday, March 11, 2005
insomniac music theater
it seems like the only time you can actually see a music video these days is if you happen to be watching insomniac music theater on vh1, say, at 3:30 a.m... now, the videos have been pretty good this morning (except for that latest shitty release by U2), but it's not like i'm going to set my clock to wake up at this time in order to watch music videos.
now that i think of it, that's why i fucking bought tivo.
that tangent aside, i'm watching my favorite new band's (velvet revolver) smokin' video, "dirty little thing." slash is tearin' up the fretboard as if he were still doing lines of coke and drinking whiskey like it was water for a deyhdrated dog. scott weiland couldn't possibly get any thinner; he should consider replacing the syringe in his arm with a protein feeding drip. doesn't much matter though, because the scantily-clad whores in the video are wearing sexy leather -- vinyl, maybe -- skimpy wear (p.s. i'm not offended by scantily-clad whores, so i say that in the most affectionate way).
for a stark contrast to the chicks in the velvet revolver videos, joss stone is subtly sexy. joss' latest, "right to be wrong," is now playing on the insomniac music theater. it's possible that i'm biased towards her because i have a penchant for tight-bodied young blonde chicks with great vocal range - but who can blame me?
keane weighed in with a good tune - "somewhere only we know" i think it is...
jet also chimed in with "look what you've done." good shizzle...
what i cannot believe, though, is that vh1 is spinning U2's video AGAIN. what? you mean i'm watching videos from 3:30 a.m. to 4:30 a.m. -- and of all the videos in the vault -- you subject me to U2 twice in that span? WTF? "sometimes you can't make it on your own" is the song... well, now that i've heard it twice within the hour, it's kind of growing on me... not sure why i hate U2 so much...
maybe because i just don't get enough sleep.
now that i think of it, that's why i fucking bought tivo.
that tangent aside, i'm watching my favorite new band's (velvet revolver) smokin' video, "dirty little thing." slash is tearin' up the fretboard as if he were still doing lines of coke and drinking whiskey like it was water for a deyhdrated dog. scott weiland couldn't possibly get any thinner; he should consider replacing the syringe in his arm with a protein feeding drip. doesn't much matter though, because the scantily-clad whores in the video are wearing sexy leather -- vinyl, maybe -- skimpy wear (p.s. i'm not offended by scantily-clad whores, so i say that in the most affectionate way).
for a stark contrast to the chicks in the velvet revolver videos, joss stone is subtly sexy. joss' latest, "right to be wrong," is now playing on the insomniac music theater. it's possible that i'm biased towards her because i have a penchant for tight-bodied young blonde chicks with great vocal range - but who can blame me?
keane weighed in with a good tune - "somewhere only we know" i think it is...
jet also chimed in with "look what you've done." good shizzle...
what i cannot believe, though, is that vh1 is spinning U2's video AGAIN. what? you mean i'm watching videos from 3:30 a.m. to 4:30 a.m. -- and of all the videos in the vault -- you subject me to U2 twice in that span? WTF? "sometimes you can't make it on your own" is the song... well, now that i've heard it twice within the hour, it's kind of growing on me... not sure why i hate U2 so much...
maybe because i just don't get enough sleep.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Man Severs Penis; Eats it
A 40-year-old man is recovering in hospital in The Philippines after cutting off his penis and eating it.
Asked about Ernesto Almonte's mental state, a hospital spokesman said: "If you cut your sex organ and then eat it, then something is wrong with you."
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,12477927-13762,000.html
Asked about Ernesto Almonte's mental state, a hospital spokesman said: "If you cut your sex organ and then eat it, then something is wrong with you."
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,12477927-13762,000.html
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Lavinius = The Modern Day MacGyver
Funny story. This morning was trash day. My cat filled up his litter box because he's a very regular kitty. So like I always do, I dumped the "contents" of the litter box into the trash with the intentions of giving him a fresh batch of litter. One problem-- I was out of litter! So now here is this empty litter box with absolutely no signs of litter anywhere. With it being one in the morning, obviously all the stores are closed so I can't pick any up. So I really had to get creative. After racking my brain for 15 minutes and contemplating suicide, an idea popped into my head!
I decided to use sugar in place of litter. So I went in my fridge, took out a fairly large bag of it, and proceeded to empty the contents into his litter box. Unfortunately, all it did was cover the bottom. There wasn't enough sugar to give the litter any depth, so it was going to be tough for him to "bury his stash."
In any event, as luck would have it, five minutes after I poured the sugar in (and laughing my ass off), the cat goes in there. I'm thinking, "oh man, this is gonna be interesting." So the cat decides to take a nice long piss. And I mean long! How long? Tom Hanks long in A League of Their Own. If you haven't seen that, go rent it. But anyway, after a good five minutes of drainin' the lizard, he emerges from the box. I go over there to "assess the damages", and there's a fuckin flood in there! All the sugar I put in there was replaced with a pool of cat urin! I was repulsed! So quickly, I had to remedy the situation. I actually had some confectionary sugar in my fridge, too, so I took the package of that and started dumping it all over the cat piss until it was completely submerged underneath it. Luckilly, I had enough of the stuff to bury it completely.
I went to bed last night with my cat's litter consisting of both regular sugar and confectionary sugar. Hey, if that affects this years voting in the "Pet Owner of the Year" awards, so be it. But when I went downstairs this morning, I prayed that he didn't drop bombs in there. Luckilly, he didn't. No dookie sighting was a big plus! I had dodged a huge bullet. Who knew what kind of repugnant odor the combination of dookie, piss, granular sugar, and confectionary sugar would leave in my wonderful, fragrant home.
Not wanting the cat to provide a re-inactment of the tsunamis in Thailand with another five minute long pissfest, I embarked to BJ's to pick up a 33 lb container of litter. As funny as it would be to continue to watch him bury his dookie in sugar, he needs the litter, otherwise, he'll start tasting the litter and I'll have a diabetic cat.
Another thought before I bring this story to a close. Do you think this will influence neighbors coming over and asking for sugar?
I decided to use sugar in place of litter. So I went in my fridge, took out a fairly large bag of it, and proceeded to empty the contents into his litter box. Unfortunately, all it did was cover the bottom. There wasn't enough sugar to give the litter any depth, so it was going to be tough for him to "bury his stash."
In any event, as luck would have it, five minutes after I poured the sugar in (and laughing my ass off), the cat goes in there. I'm thinking, "oh man, this is gonna be interesting." So the cat decides to take a nice long piss. And I mean long! How long? Tom Hanks long in A League of Their Own. If you haven't seen that, go rent it. But anyway, after a good five minutes of drainin' the lizard, he emerges from the box. I go over there to "assess the damages", and there's a fuckin flood in there! All the sugar I put in there was replaced with a pool of cat urin! I was repulsed! So quickly, I had to remedy the situation. I actually had some confectionary sugar in my fridge, too, so I took the package of that and started dumping it all over the cat piss until it was completely submerged underneath it. Luckilly, I had enough of the stuff to bury it completely.
I went to bed last night with my cat's litter consisting of both regular sugar and confectionary sugar. Hey, if that affects this years voting in the "Pet Owner of the Year" awards, so be it. But when I went downstairs this morning, I prayed that he didn't drop bombs in there. Luckilly, he didn't. No dookie sighting was a big plus! I had dodged a huge bullet. Who knew what kind of repugnant odor the combination of dookie, piss, granular sugar, and confectionary sugar would leave in my wonderful, fragrant home.
Not wanting the cat to provide a re-inactment of the tsunamis in Thailand with another five minute long pissfest, I embarked to BJ's to pick up a 33 lb container of litter. As funny as it would be to continue to watch him bury his dookie in sugar, he needs the litter, otherwise, he'll start tasting the litter and I'll have a diabetic cat.
Another thought before I bring this story to a close. Do you think this will influence neighbors coming over and asking for sugar?
Friday, March 04, 2005
Theo Thinks Like Lavinius and Cooch...
"I try to keep my distance from it. I don't want to catch anything. That thing has been passed around more often than Paris Hilton."
- Theo Epstein on the World Series trophy
- Theo Epstein on the World Series trophy
Monday, February 28, 2005
Welcome to the 20th, er, 21st Century Lavinius...
Lavinius: I went out and bought a paper shredder today.
Cooch: a shredder? welcome to 2005 muhfuckah! did you buy that thing after you paid off your abacus?
Lavinius: I'm still paying off a typewriter I leased back in 1985...
bwahahhwhahaha [ahhh, hasn't identity theft been an issue for, say, 10 years now?]
Cooch: a shredder? welcome to 2005 muhfuckah! did you buy that thing after you paid off your abacus?
Lavinius: I'm still paying off a typewriter I leased back in 1985...
bwahahhwhahaha [ahhh, hasn't identity theft been an issue for, say, 10 years now?]
Michael Jackson to trade in Neverland Ranch for the Coocher Ranch?
Lavinius and Cooch are in the process of planning their '05 baseball trip through the mid-west. Cooch notifies Lavinius about two potential conflicts with having the trip in early June. 1) he is scheduled to go to Pocono, PA to watch cars drive around in circles (a.k.a. Auto Racing), and 2) he needs to find a caregiver for his two sons on consecutive weekends in June. Lavinius, a man with all the answers, quickly remedies the situation:
Cooch: the problem isn't the pocono conflict as much as it is trying to find caregivers for two boys on consecutive weekends
Lavinius: Well, if that plea bargain goes well with Michael Jackson...
Cooch: the problem isn't the pocono conflict as much as it is trying to find caregivers for two boys on consecutive weekends
Lavinius: Well, if that plea bargain goes well with Michael Jackson...
Sunday, February 27, 2005
What is this world coming to?
Man charged with having "relations" with cows
Feb 26, 6:09 PM EST
Man Accused of "Putting Meat in Cows' Beef Patties"
LISBON FALLS, ME. (AP) -- A 33-year-old man is charged with sexual gratification with an animal for allegedly having sex with calves.
Cooch, of Lisbon Falls, ME allegedly told police that he routinely stopped at a Topsham farm, usually after bar closing or on trips to strip clubs near Portland or Brunswick.
A criminal complaint filed in Cooch County Circuit Court said the farm's owners installed a motion detector on Jan. 22 after regularly seeing footprints and vehicle tracks on their land. Around 4 a.m. the next morning, a sensor sounded and Cooch was caught leaving the barn, but Cooch allegedly said he just used a bathroom in the barn and had never been there before.
Cooch told police he had sex with heifers before he went into the service in 1991 and resumed about a year ago at the farm. He admitted to using a rope to tie calves around the neck and estimated he had been to the farm "at least 50 times," according to the complaint.
He told police he never had sex with animals (except his cats on occasion) while maintaining a relationship with his belligerent drunk girlfriend or his pizza eating ex-wife, the complaint said.
Cooch also is charged with disorderly conduct and two counts of obstructing an officer. Each charge carries up to nine months in jail.
Cooch is scheduled to appear in court March 10.
Cooch, co-writer with the illustrious Lavinius at laviniusandcooch.blogspot.com, is currently serving 10 years of probation for the incessant harassment of Tanyon Sturze.
--------
Gives whole new meaning to the term "milk moustache."
Feb 26, 6:09 PM EST
Man Accused of "Putting Meat in Cows' Beef Patties"
LISBON FALLS, ME. (AP) -- A 33-year-old man is charged with sexual gratification with an animal for allegedly having sex with calves.
Cooch, of Lisbon Falls, ME allegedly told police that he routinely stopped at a Topsham farm, usually after bar closing or on trips to strip clubs near Portland or Brunswick.
A criminal complaint filed in Cooch County Circuit Court said the farm's owners installed a motion detector on Jan. 22 after regularly seeing footprints and vehicle tracks on their land. Around 4 a.m. the next morning, a sensor sounded and Cooch was caught leaving the barn, but Cooch allegedly said he just used a bathroom in the barn and had never been there before.
Cooch told police he had sex with heifers before he went into the service in 1991 and resumed about a year ago at the farm. He admitted to using a rope to tie calves around the neck and estimated he had been to the farm "at least 50 times," according to the complaint.
He told police he never had sex with animals (except his cats on occasion) while maintaining a relationship with his belligerent drunk girlfriend or his pizza eating ex-wife, the complaint said.
Cooch also is charged with disorderly conduct and two counts of obstructing an officer. Each charge carries up to nine months in jail.
Cooch is scheduled to appear in court March 10.
Cooch, co-writer with the illustrious Lavinius at laviniusandcooch.blogspot.com, is currently serving 10 years of probation for the incessant harassment of Tanyon Sturze.
--------
Gives whole new meaning to the term "milk moustache."
Friday, February 25, 2005
Lavinius' Random Isht Mix
Lavinius' Random Isht Mix (Compiled 2-22-05)
Pop Goes the Weasel - 3rd Bass
Copacabana - Barry Manilow
School's Out - Alice Cooper
Mammals - Bloodhound Gang
Like Toy Soldiers - Eminem
Seasons Change - Expose
Head Games - Foreigner
Homewrecker - Jhae & Bumba
Friends - Something Barry Bonds doesn't have a lot of (Jody Watley)
Girls x 3- Motley Crue
Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond
Physical - Olivia Newton John
Bust a Move - Young MC
If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free - Sting
Turn the Page - Cooch after he got doors slammed in his face by female species (Metallica)
Mr. Telephone Man - New Edition
911 Is A Joke - Nicole Brown Simpson/Ron Goldman duet (j/k, Public Enemy)
Chariots of Fire - See Comments (Vangelis)
Pop Goes the Weasel - 3rd Bass
Copacabana - Barry Manilow
School's Out - Alice Cooper
Mammals - Bloodhound Gang
Like Toy Soldiers - Eminem
Seasons Change - Expose
Head Games - Foreigner
Homewrecker - Jhae & Bumba
Friends - Something Barry Bonds doesn't have a lot of (Jody Watley)
Girls x 3- Motley Crue
Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond
Physical - Olivia Newton John
Bust a Move - Young MC
If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free - Sting
Turn the Page - Cooch after he got doors slammed in his face by female species (Metallica)
Mr. Telephone Man - New Edition
911 Is A Joke - Nicole Brown Simpson/Ron Goldman duet (j/k, Public Enemy)
Chariots of Fire - See Comments (Vangelis)
Limp Bizkit, defined
C’mon, we’ve all had a bad day… But, if your bizkit is limp, would you videotape the event? Apparently, there’s no shame for Fred Durst, as his latest video attests.
Lavinius started this diablog with a simple email message to Cooch, simply stating, "Gives new meaning to the term 'limp' bizkit," followed by the link to the now infamous video footage of Fred Durst. Just remember, he did it all for the Nookie.
Now, we've all been there. As fun as it is to make fun of celebrities, who hasn't been in this position? I mean, is Viagra, Cialis, and all those other sexual aides a figment of my imagination, or is maintaining an erection a little (excuse the pun) harder than it looks? Sure, porn stars make it look easy, but that's all they can do. At least Fred can sing (um, that's up for debate, too).
Honestly, if you had a reamed out, filthy ass sticking in your face (see video footage, pay attention to the tattered ass of the woman in the video), are you going to be able to stay rock hard (again, excuse the pun) in front of a live audience?
Lavinius sums it up nicely:
"See that gaping hole in that girl's ass? You could drive a fucking truck through her anal cavity...
But seeing Durst's limp bizkit though? Definitely not the lasting
impression I want when I sit down for a hot dog dinner..."
True. True.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
So I Have a Friend Who is a Celtics Fan
My buddy has always been a huge Antoine Walker fan. So much so that his poster is absolutely covered with.......but that's besides the point...
Anyway, he's obviously elated that the Celtics got Walker back in a trade. He's been text messaging me expressing his elation. He even went so far as to say that the Celtics could "go further" than Detroit!
For the record, in addition to being a Red Sox, Marlins, and Bills fan, I'm also a Detroit Pistons fan, so this text message was definitely intended on getting a reaction out of me. How did I react, you ask? Here is my text message back to him, verbatim:
"You willing to back that up with more than just a silly claim? 20 bucks. You owe me 20 if the Stons (editor's note: short for "Pistons") go further. I owe you 20 if the C's (editor's note: short for "Celtics") go further. We got a bet?"
The big homer that he is, he replies back with "Sure."
Haha, I love it! I don't think he was expecting me to reply back with a "put your money where your mouth is" ultimatum. With my buddy being a prideful guy, I forced his hand. He would have looked utterly spineless and gutless had he declined. He had no choice but to take the bet, a bet in all likelihood he is going to lose.
I'd be very curious to know how many people outside of the Boston and Detroit areas, and how many non-Boston and non-Detroit fans would have taken that bet with me? I can't imagine it's something that the average neutral observer would have taken me up on.
Anyway, he's obviously elated that the Celtics got Walker back in a trade. He's been text messaging me expressing his elation. He even went so far as to say that the Celtics could "go further" than Detroit!
For the record, in addition to being a Red Sox, Marlins, and Bills fan, I'm also a Detroit Pistons fan, so this text message was definitely intended on getting a reaction out of me. How did I react, you ask? Here is my text message back to him, verbatim:
"You willing to back that up with more than just a silly claim? 20 bucks. You owe me 20 if the Stons (editor's note: short for "Pistons") go further. I owe you 20 if the C's (editor's note: short for "Celtics") go further. We got a bet?"
The big homer that he is, he replies back with "Sure."
Haha, I love it! I don't think he was expecting me to reply back with a "put your money where your mouth is" ultimatum. With my buddy being a prideful guy, I forced his hand. He would have looked utterly spineless and gutless had he declined. He had no choice but to take the bet, a bet in all likelihood he is going to lose.
I'd be very curious to know how many people outside of the Boston and Detroit areas, and how many non-Boston and non-Detroit fans would have taken that bet with me? I can't imagine it's something that the average neutral observer would have taken me up on.
welcome to the bloggery
everyone has a blogger, so why not lavinius and cooch? i don't see why not...
anyway, we'll be posting some of our "diary" material, which is simply a collection of isht that we personally find humorous... hang tight, it's nearly 5:00 a.m. and i've yet to sleep - a slight drawback of amphetamines, most likely... ;)
p.s. Cooch, Thick, and Thickage are all the same people...
p.p.s. Cooch, Thick, Thickage, and Lavinius hate the fucking Yankees, but love the Red Sox.
p.p.p.s. Lavinius also likes the Florida Marlins
p.p.p.p.s. Cooch loves the Dallas Cowboys, Lavinius loves the Buffalo Bills
anyway, we'll be posting some of our "diary" material, which is simply a collection of isht that we personally find humorous... hang tight, it's nearly 5:00 a.m. and i've yet to sleep - a slight drawback of amphetamines, most likely... ;)
p.s. Cooch, Thick, and Thickage are all the same people...
p.p.s. Cooch, Thick, Thickage, and Lavinius hate the fucking Yankees, but love the Red Sox.
p.p.p.s. Lavinius also likes the Florida Marlins
p.p.p.p.s. Cooch loves the Dallas Cowboys, Lavinius loves the Buffalo Bills
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Lavinius is Wicked Tall...
The Thick/Lavinius diary is back after a year hiatus. And what better topic to re-open the diary with than Hollywood’s famous midgets of the 80’s, Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis (6/10/04):
Sunday, June 15, 2003
John Burkett's Blazing Heat
Regarding John Burkett, whose fastball tops out at 84mph (June 15, 2003; Sox are playing the Astros):
Lavinius: Wagner's change-up is faster than Burkett's fastball...
Thick: it's got more movement, too!
Thursday, June 12, 2003
We fucking hate the Yankees...
On the heels of the Red Sox 13-1 win over St. Louis and the Yankees getting no-hit at home for the first time since the invention of the Color TV (June 12, 2003):
Lavinius: The Sox and Yanks…combined for 19 hits! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
Todd Walker...
On Todd Walker, the Red Sox’ current second baseman, whom after 55+ games, has eight errors (June 4, 2003)
Thick: todd walker has less range than bruce hornsby!!!
Lavinius: Thank you Peter Gammons.
Thick: dude can't catch up to an ice cream truck!
Lavinius: He's sporting a new pair of Nike's. Air Cement.
Lavinius Loves the Buffalo Bills...
On the Bills signing veteran wideout James Jett, who turns 105 this year (2003)
Lavinius: Man I was worried about them [the Bills]. They hadn't signed anybody in a while. PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Dude's 32 years old, but homeboy still has some wheels at this stage of his career...
Thick: he's done. you'd be better off signing the old punter named jett...
Lavinius: Hey, it was for one year and the vet minimum. Win/win situation. They're looking for another speed guy to line up opposite of E-Moulds.
Thick: the only speed you'll see from him is the shit he’s sellin' from his locker!!!
Saturday, April 12, 2003
Thick Loves Tanyon...
Thick’s obsession with Tanyon goes too far:
(Note: The following “press release” is ficticious and is not intended to violate any state, local, or federal laws)
NEWS RELEASE * BREAKING NEWS
BLUE JAYS PITCHER TAKES RESTRAINING ORDER OUT ON OBSESSED FAN IN PORTLAND, ME
by Lavinius
TORONTO ONTARIO CANADA- Blue Jays pitcher Tanyon Sturtze has taken out a restraining order on a baseball fan in
"Man, enough is enough", Sturtze said, following his victory over the Red Sox Wednesday night. "At first I was flattered by his gestures, but this dude just won't stop humping my leg. Look, I appreciate his admiration and all, but come on, I'm not THAT good. Throughout my brief career, I've gotten my ass handed to me. Yet this Cooch guy sends me email saying he loves me. I just don't get it."
Cooch's friend, Lavinius of Deerfield Beach, FL (formerly of the
"Guys, you don't know the fu**ing half of it! For the past two years (or was it three?), I've had to field these fu**ing emails of admiration as well. I think he was CC'ing the emails he sent to Tanyon and sending them to me. I keep telling the guy to cool his puppy love, but it just won't stop. I just received an email today from him that Sturtze should win the Cy Young. Guy's freakin' crazy. It's only April! Even when he was letting up 7 runs a game last year, he was still sending me emails about how the Sox should get him. But in retrospect, maybe he was right, since Pedro is our only fu**ing good starter right now. But getting back to the matter. His obsession with Tanyon is spreading like fungus on a whore's a** after screwing in poison ivy all day. I was waiting for Tanyon to finally take the restraining order out. And finally, he did it. Thank you Tanyon! Now *I* love you!
Cooch, who was distraught when he heard the news, was not available for comment.
Thursday, April 10, 2003
Ragging on Daaaaaaaaaryl
Saturday, November 02, 2002
Satellite Radio
Thick is a major advocate of satellite radio stocks, specifically XM and Sirius. He bought 1,300 shares of Sirius (SIRI) at 86 cents per share. He told Lavinius that if either XM or Sirius went to $20-30/share, he’d buy him lunch. A few hours after his purchase, the shares went up 7 cents to 93 cents...
Lavinius: Dude, you're up 7 cents a share on SIRI. You're up $91 not including
commission! SELL SELL SELL! That's lunch money right there! Get me a big
bacon classic and a small chili...
Thick: this shit is bouncing like a whore's ass on dollar night!
Lavinius: That shit is going up more than Mo Vaughn's cholesterol!
Thick: Higher than Darryl Strawberry!
Lavinius: Higher than Steve Howe after a blown save...
Thick: higher than steve howe after a blown nasal cavity...
Lavinius: That's shit going higher than silicon at the playboy mansion.
Higher than a Sox fan's blood pressure.
And last but not least...
Higher than Michael Irvin in a Dallas hotel room!
Friday, November 01, 2002
Is that a cow? Or a Vagina?
In the spirit of Halloween, Lavinius sent Thick a picture of the best Halloween costume of all time. It was a boy dressed up as a hairy vagina...
Thick: at first i thought that was a cow! i've seen so many in vermont that look like that!!!
Lavinius: What....cows or vaginas?
Thick: both!!!
Friday, September 27, 2002
HoTMaiL Sucks
OK, it’s been established that Hotmail is one sorry-ass form of communication. However, I think the latest opinion by Lavinius most accurately describes the ineptitude of this piss-poor free service
Lavinius: Snail mail and hotmail have something in common. With both methods of communication, you receive mail in three days.
Thick: muhfuckah is on a rollllllll! yet another one for the diary. dude, hotmail blows worse than a teenage virgin with braces, but sometimes it's the only option you've got...
Thursday, August 08, 2002
On how deep the St. Louis Rams will be the upcoming season
Thick: in my opinion, their wide receiving corps got BETTER by losing az hakim and gaining terrence wilkins. wilkins has got much better hands and will do better as the #3 receiver. they've got speed and talent and tons of depth at WR. bruce, holt, wilkins, proehl, and that eric crouch muhfuckah. talent galore.
these guys are deeper than marilyn chambers's pie-hole!!!
these guys are deeper than marilyn chambers's pie-hole!!!
Thursday, July 25, 2002
Regarding the unreliability of Thick's main e-mail source
Thick: “hotmail is about as reliable as a lambskin condom on an aids victim.”
Friday, July 05, 2002
Discussing the history of ineptitude by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Lavinius: Check this out dude, true story. Hal McRae (Tampa Bay’s current Manager) went to a Chinese restaurant the other night. When the waiter handed him his fortune cookie at the end of the meal, McRae cracked it open, pulled out the fortune, and it said "Contraction."
Thick: you know, i don't see why tampon bay isn't on the top of that contraction list. they've contributed absolutely nothing since their inception. they've been perennial suckhouses… they fucking suck and they should be fucking abolished like child porn in a catholic priest's office.
Monday, June 24, 2002
General Nonsense
Thick: "hi, my name is thick. i used to like alyssa milano - when she was 12. and, i can't wait till the olsen twins turn 18."
Saturday, June 22, 2002
On Tony Clark’s struggle with the Red Sox in 2002
Lavinius: Tony Clark is so bad he couldn't reach first base with a prostitute!
Thursday, June 20, 2002
On Mike Hampton’s poor performance against the Yankees...
On Mike Hampton’s poor performance against the Yankees, which Colorado lost 20-10 (June 19, 2002). When Hampton left the game, Colorado was winning 8-7.
lavinius: Dude, you never told me there was a football game last night. Fucking Jets beat the Broncos 20-10 last night at Coors....
cooch: no shit. hampton pitched 5 innings of relatively low-scoring ball, only giving up 7 runs... had the bullpen hung on...
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