With Wakefield and Clement on the shelf, 22-year-old Jon Lester in a hospital being tested for cancer, and Wells off to San Diego in an extra heavy duty plane used to transport elephants, the Sox are in a world of shit without any toilet paper.
Yep-- it's desperation time in Boston. They are all but out of the division race. They are hanging on by dental floss in the wild card race. Desperate times call for desperate measures-- which is why the Red Sox announced they are going with a rotation of Schilling and Beckett the rest of the way.
"As much as Tavarez, Snyder, Jason Johnson, and a pitching dummy are viable pitching options-- we've decided to go with a two-man rotation of Schilling and Beckett the rest of the way" , Red Sox manager Terry Francona said at an impromptu press conference yesterday following the Sox 6-4 win over Toronto.
"We're taking this shit back to the old school", said an exacerbated Theo Epstein. Fuck SABERMETRICS, fuck lefty/righty splits, fuck home/away ERA, fuck it all. I've had it with this shit. If we're gonna get back in this race, we gotta pull out all the fucking stops. If that means going unconventional on people's asses, then that's what we gonna do. Word to your mom."
The rotation for the coming days looks like this:
Friday 9/1: it will be Josh Beckett facing off against Ted Lilly
Saturday 9/2: Curt Schilling will be opposed by AJ Burnett
Sunday 9.3: Josh Beckett will be back on the rubber to face Gustavo Chacin
Monday 9/4: a well rested Curt Schilling faces a big test against Chisox ace Jon Garland
Selected seats are still available. Those with leftover ice in your finished soft drinks are encouraged to drop it off at the kiosks conveniently located next to the Red Sox dugout.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
is this the pawsox or the red sox?
check out last night's starting lineup:
coco crisp, cf
alex coro, ss
mark loretta, dh (dh???)
kevin youkilis, lf (cleanup? in left field?)
erik hinske, rf
mike lowell, 3b
javy lopez, c
carlos pena, 1b
dustin pedroia, 2b
coco crisp, cf
alex coro, ss
mark loretta, dh (dh???)
kevin youkilis, lf (cleanup? in left field?)
erik hinske, rf
mike lowell, 3b
javy lopez, c
carlos pena, 1b
dustin pedroia, 2b
Sunday, August 27, 2006
It's the Most Shittiful Time of the Year...
Nine months out of the year-- there is no place I'd rather live than south Florida. But the remaining three months or so-- I do a complete one muh'fuckin eighty. Why? Hurricane season! And I'm not talking about the local college football team.
From August to October-- south Floridians are keeping close tabs on the weather. We're looking for those developing storms off the coast of Africa or the eastern Carribean. We're looking at projected paths and storm intensity-- and if that sumbitch is forecasted to come anywhere near south Florida, everybody scurries to the gas station and the local supermarkets. We're talking about gas lines that go on forever. If you can get to the pump in under 20 minutes, consider yourself lucky. If you can get through the checkout counter at the supermarket in under 20 minutes, consider yourself lucky. In any event, it's a damn free-for-all...
The first storm to hit south Florida this year was Ernesto. It was projected to be a category 1 storm, but fortunately was only a tropical storm. Turned out to be one big fakeout. Just got a bunch of rain dumped on us and that was it. But after last year, I ain't taking any chances. Hurricane Wilma was supposed to only be a cat 1 storm. Instead, it was a cat 3 and it blew my damn upstairs window out in my memorabilia room. So for three hours or so, I had 100+ mph gusts blowing inside that room. I literally had to take pictures-- some of which very valuable, off my wall while category 3 wind gusts blew inside the room. There was still jagged pieces of glass left in the window from where it blew out-- so I could have very easily been hit by one of those pieces. But I didn't care. I had far too many valuables in that room-- and I had to remove them as fast and as safely as I could.
It was a scary experience to say the least. Never would I have dreamed that a hurricane could blow out my window like that. Call it ignorance-- but I'm about 4 miles west of the ocean in a thickly settled neighborhood. Thought I had sufficient wind-breakers in the adjoining and nearby houses-- but I was sadly mistaken. When it was all said and done-- it cost me about $2,500 to repair everything wrong with the house. We're talking broken window, paint job, pressure cleaning, my screened-in porch which was torn to shreds at the roof, the awning that hangs over my guestroom window above the garage. It was crazy...borderline surreal.
In short, what I'm getting at is, you just can't take chances during hurricane season. You gotta be prepared. My thinking is, I'd rather be prepared and be wrong than not be prepared and be wrong. And what's the worst that can happen? You have some extra soup and baked beans in the cupboard. BFD.
Hopefully this year's hurricane season is a lot more docile than last year's. I'm in the process of getting impact (hurricane) windows installed for every room in the hizzy. I thought about putting up hurricane shutters-- but the sunlight from outside means too much to me-- and well, I'd rather not live in a cave. I'll take impact windows, thank you very much.
In the meantime, you northern folks enjoy it. Come winter time when you're freezing your balls or tits off in a below zero wind chill-- you wish you were down in the Sunshine State. But I ain't gonna lie-- I wish I was in New England right now. It's a great place to be in the summer time. Someday I'd like to live up there seasonally-- spend maybe 3-4 months there and the rest of the time in Florida. Someday...
From August to October-- south Floridians are keeping close tabs on the weather. We're looking for those developing storms off the coast of Africa or the eastern Carribean. We're looking at projected paths and storm intensity-- and if that sumbitch is forecasted to come anywhere near south Florida, everybody scurries to the gas station and the local supermarkets. We're talking about gas lines that go on forever. If you can get to the pump in under 20 minutes, consider yourself lucky. If you can get through the checkout counter at the supermarket in under 20 minutes, consider yourself lucky. In any event, it's a damn free-for-all...
The first storm to hit south Florida this year was Ernesto. It was projected to be a category 1 storm, but fortunately was only a tropical storm. Turned out to be one big fakeout. Just got a bunch of rain dumped on us and that was it. But after last year, I ain't taking any chances. Hurricane Wilma was supposed to only be a cat 1 storm. Instead, it was a cat 3 and it blew my damn upstairs window out in my memorabilia room. So for three hours or so, I had 100+ mph gusts blowing inside that room. I literally had to take pictures-- some of which very valuable, off my wall while category 3 wind gusts blew inside the room. There was still jagged pieces of glass left in the window from where it blew out-- so I could have very easily been hit by one of those pieces. But I didn't care. I had far too many valuables in that room-- and I had to remove them as fast and as safely as I could.
It was a scary experience to say the least. Never would I have dreamed that a hurricane could blow out my window like that. Call it ignorance-- but I'm about 4 miles west of the ocean in a thickly settled neighborhood. Thought I had sufficient wind-breakers in the adjoining and nearby houses-- but I was sadly mistaken. When it was all said and done-- it cost me about $2,500 to repair everything wrong with the house. We're talking broken window, paint job, pressure cleaning, my screened-in porch which was torn to shreds at the roof, the awning that hangs over my guestroom window above the garage. It was crazy...borderline surreal.
In short, what I'm getting at is, you just can't take chances during hurricane season. You gotta be prepared. My thinking is, I'd rather be prepared and be wrong than not be prepared and be wrong. And what's the worst that can happen? You have some extra soup and baked beans in the cupboard. BFD.
Hopefully this year's hurricane season is a lot more docile than last year's. I'm in the process of getting impact (hurricane) windows installed for every room in the hizzy. I thought about putting up hurricane shutters-- but the sunlight from outside means too much to me-- and well, I'd rather not live in a cave. I'll take impact windows, thank you very much.
In the meantime, you northern folks enjoy it. Come winter time when you're freezing your balls or tits off in a below zero wind chill-- you wish you were down in the Sunshine State. But I ain't gonna lie-- I wish I was in New England right now. It's a great place to be in the summer time. Someday I'd like to live up there seasonally-- spend maybe 3-4 months there and the rest of the time in Florida. Someday...
Saturday, August 26, 2006
It's all in the pronounciation Part II
whorepresents.com
expertsexchange.com
therapistfinder.com
powergenitalia.com
molestationnursery.com
ipanywhere.com
cummingfirst.com
speedofart.com
gotahoe.com
credit: canestime.com
expertsexchange.com
therapistfinder.com
powergenitalia.com
molestationnursery.com
ipanywhere.com
cummingfirst.com
speedofart.com
gotahoe.com
credit: canestime.com
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
The TV Deal the NBA Wishes It Had Not Made
Brothers Ozzie and Dan Silna, co-owners of the long-forgotten ABA team, the Spirits of St. Louis make $24 million a year and haven't had a team in 30 years.
---
Roughly once a month, the NBA cuts 31 checks to NBA teams as revenue from its multibillion-dollar national television contract.
There are only 30 NBA franchises, so who gets the extra check?
The money goes to brothers Ozzie and Dan Silna, co-owners of the long-forgotten ABA team, the Spirits of St. Louis.
Thirty years ago, Ozzie Silna, with attorney Donald Schupak, negotiated a deal that cleared the way for the ABA to merge with the NBA. It ranks as one of the best sports deals in modern times, one that has paid the Silnas about $168 million and continues to pay off.
(full story)
---
Roughly once a month, the NBA cuts 31 checks to NBA teams as revenue from its multibillion-dollar national television contract.
There are only 30 NBA franchises, so who gets the extra check?
The money goes to brothers Ozzie and Dan Silna, co-owners of the long-forgotten ABA team, the Spirits of St. Louis.
Thirty years ago, Ozzie Silna, with attorney Donald Schupak, negotiated a deal that cleared the way for the ABA to merge with the NBA. It ranks as one of the best sports deals in modern times, one that has paid the Silnas about $168 million and continues to pay off.
(full story)
Lavinius with Miami Hurricanes cheerleaders
One of the crowning moments of my life. :)
(I'm the one on the right)
(I'm the one on the right)
Monday, July 03, 2006
Sox set MLB record for errorless games
MIAMI - The Boston Red Sox saw their record streak of error-free games end Saturday, when catcher Doug Mirabelli's throw to second base sailed into center field in the first inning against the Florida Marlins.
It was Boston's first error in 18 games; the 17-game run of perfect defense was one more than the previous best in major league history, set by the 1992 St. Louis Cardinals.
[full stizzory here]
It was Boston's first error in 18 games; the 17-game run of perfect defense was one more than the previous best in major league history, set by the 1992 St. Louis Cardinals.
[full stizzory here]
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Fear of...pickles?
Girl on Maury Povich is terrified to the bone of pickles! We're not talking snakes, or spiders, or even the dark. We talkin' PICKLES!
Picklephobia
Picklephobia
Friday, June 23, 2006
Phillies' Myers charged with hitting wife
BOSTON (AP) - Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Brett Myers was arrested Friday and charged with hitting his wife in the face on a street not far from Fenway Park.
The team's best starter, who was scheduled to pitch Saturday against the Red Sox, pleaded not guilty to assault charges at his arraignment Friday in Boston Municipal Court, said David Procopio, a spokesman for the Suffolk County District Attorney's office. Myers' next court date is Aug. 4.full story
...
My guess: like most other battered women, she probably "just doesn't listen."
Shit. That's bad... Just kidding, really... Myers plead not guilty to the charges.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
where are they now? paxton crawford, pitcher/steroid user
paxton crawford, after 10 seasons of minor league ball (only 15 games in the mlb with the red sox), called it quits and is now working at the family farm in arkansas.
crawford has recently admitted to using steroids in the minors prior to his promotion to the sox in 2001, and used HGH during his brief mlb stay. crawford was nothing better than average, finally realizing that life in the independent league and AA-ball wasn't his, errr, beef. good luck on the family farm, crawford. your 15 games with the sox will never be forgotten. (ahhhh, who is paxton crawford?)
crawford has recently admitted to using steroids in the minors prior to his promotion to the sox in 2001, and used HGH during his brief mlb stay. crawford was nothing better than average, finally realizing that life in the independent league and AA-ball wasn't his, errr, beef. good luck on the family farm, crawford. your 15 games with the sox will never be forgotten. (ahhhh, who is paxton crawford?)
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
a couple of red sox rarities...
1. tim wakefield actually got some run support tonight. the sox put up 8 early runs, while wakes only gave up a penny en route to a victory... box score ... in wake's 8 losses, the sox have scored a total of 6 runs!
2. alex cora, after a 3-3 performance, is now hitting .304 and sports a .396 OBP (see box score link above) - obviously, he will not continue the pace, but when's the last time that you could say cora was an offensive machine? my props to cora for being solid all season...
2. alex cora, after a 3-3 performance, is now hitting .304 and sports a .396 OBP (see box score link above) - obviously, he will not continue the pace, but when's the last time that you could say cora was an offensive machine? my props to cora for being solid all season...
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Best Porn Movies
Batman and Throbbin'
Forrest Hump
Filthy Lil' Pornabees
The Da Vinci Load
The Hunt for Pink October
Romancing the Bone
Yank My Noodle It's A Dandy
Some Like It Wet
2069: A Space Orgasm (featuring the immortal line, "Open my pod bay doors, Hal!" The sequel, "3069: The Year We Make Cuntact", wasn't as good.)
Cool Hand-Job Luke
Poonstruck
The French Tickler Connection
Five Easy Pieces (they didn't even have to change the title!)
Rambone
Splatman
Orgazmo
Weapons of Ass Destruction (WADs)
Hung WANKENSTEIN
Sperms of Endearment
Yo Quiero Taco Smell
Grand Theft Anal
from my homies at Canestime
Forrest Hump
Filthy Lil' Pornabees
The Da Vinci Load
The Hunt for Pink October
Romancing the Bone
Yank My Noodle It's A Dandy
Some Like It Wet
2069: A Space Orgasm (featuring the immortal line, "Open my pod bay doors, Hal!" The sequel, "3069: The Year We Make Cuntact", wasn't as good.)
Cool Hand-Job Luke
Poonstruck
The French Tickler Connection
Five Easy Pieces (they didn't even have to change the title!)
Rambone
Splatman
Orgazmo
Weapons of Ass Destruction (WADs)
Hung WANKENSTEIN
Sperms of Endearment
Yo Quiero Taco Smell
Grand Theft Anal
from my homies at Canestime
Thursday, June 15, 2006
In desperate need of a third starter, Theo calls Marlins GM Larry Beinfest asking about Dontrelle Willis
Theo: (*hits up Larry Beinfest on speed dial*)
(*ring*, *ring*)
Beinfest: (*looks at caller ID*)
Beinfest: (*picks up phone*) Yo, Theo! Why am I not shocked to be hearing from you?
Theo: I don't know, why aren't you?
Beinfest: Uh, Theo, that was a rhetorical question.
Theo: (*long pause*) Uh, yeah, I knew that.
Beinfest: Anyway, you interested in stealing some more of my players...I mean making a trade?
Theo: Yeah Larry. We're interested in Dontrelle.
Beinfest: He's off the market.
Theo: (under breath) I heard that one before. (/under breath)
Beinfest: What was that?
Theo: Oh, nothing.
Beinfest: We have no interest in trading Dontrelle.
(under breath) Geez isn't Beckett enough? Fuck take Josh Johnson and Scott Olsen while you're at it. (/under breath)
Theo: No, obviously Beckett is not enough otherwise I wouldn't be calling you again.
Beinfest: Geez Theo, can't you let us enjoy the few players we have left
worth a wet turd in peace?
Theo: Sorry, can't do that. In case you haven't noticed, we're trying to beat the Yankees here. Unlike you we're actually *trying* to win.
Beinfest: Hey go fuck yourself you Cooch guitar playing wannabee!
Theo: Look, this is gay. Just tell me what you'd want for Dontrelle if he were on the market.
Beinfest: Well, Jon Lester is a good starting point.
Theo: Okay, who else?
Beinfest: And Hansen.
Theo: (under breath) shit (/under breath)
Beinfest: I'm sorry?
Theo: (disgusted) Lester and Hansen? (/disgusted)
Beinfest: Yup
Theo: You gotta be fucking shitting me
Beinfest: Dude, we're not gonna just *give* a 20 game winner who was second in the Cy Young voting last year and is just 23 years old making shiznit for a salary...away for free.
Theo: (*sigh*) Fine, let me sleep on it, ok?
Beinfest: Do what chu gotta do, Epstine (the "stine" pronounced like "wine")
Theo: Peace out Larry
Beinfest: Hey, thanks for Hanley!!!
Beinfest: (*click*)
Theo: (under breath) motherfucker... (/underbreath)
Theo: (*click*)
(*ring*, *ring*)
Beinfest: (*looks at caller ID*)
Beinfest: (*picks up phone*) Yo, Theo! Why am I not shocked to be hearing from you?
Theo: I don't know, why aren't you?
Beinfest: Uh, Theo, that was a rhetorical question.
Theo: (*long pause*) Uh, yeah, I knew that.
Beinfest: Anyway, you interested in stealing some more of my players...I mean making a trade?
Theo: Yeah Larry. We're interested in Dontrelle.
Beinfest: He's off the market.
Theo: (under breath) I heard that one before. (/under breath)
Beinfest: What was that?
Theo: Oh, nothing.
Beinfest: We have no interest in trading Dontrelle.
(under breath) Geez isn't Beckett enough? Fuck take Josh Johnson and Scott Olsen while you're at it. (/under breath)
Theo: No, obviously Beckett is not enough otherwise I wouldn't be calling you again.
Beinfest: Geez Theo, can't you let us enjoy the few players we have left
worth a wet turd in peace?
Theo: Sorry, can't do that. In case you haven't noticed, we're trying to beat the Yankees here. Unlike you we're actually *trying* to win.
Beinfest: Hey go fuck yourself you Cooch guitar playing wannabee!
Theo: Look, this is gay. Just tell me what you'd want for Dontrelle if he were on the market.
Beinfest: Well, Jon Lester is a good starting point.
Theo: Okay, who else?
Beinfest: And Hansen.
Theo: (under breath) shit (/under breath)
Beinfest: I'm sorry?
Theo: (disgusted) Lester and Hansen? (/disgusted)
Beinfest: Yup
Theo: You gotta be fucking shitting me
Beinfest: Dude, we're not gonna just *give* a 20 game winner who was second in the Cy Young voting last year and is just 23 years old making shiznit for a salary...away for free.
Theo: (*sigh*) Fine, let me sleep on it, ok?
Beinfest: Do what chu gotta do, Epstine (the "stine" pronounced like "wine")
Theo: Peace out Larry
Beinfest: Hey, thanks for Hanley!!!
Beinfest: (*click*)
Theo: (under breath) motherfucker... (/underbreath)
Theo: (*click*)
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Monday, May 29, 2006
RIP Ironhead
One of the first things I thought of upon hearing the news of his death was his Zest body wash commercial from the late 90's. Here's one dude's funny attempt at re-creating it:
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Trivia...
Dontrelle Willis is 1-6 in 11 starts this season after winning 22 games in 2005. Only three pitchers in the divisional-play era (1969 to date) won no more than one of their first 11 starts in a season after winning 20 or more games the year before: Jim Merritt, who was 20-12 for the Reds in 1970 but 0-9 in his first 11 starts in 1971; Mike Krukow, who was 20-9 for the Giants in 1986, then 1-5 in his first 11 starts in 1987; and Jose Lima, who was 21-10 for Houston in 1999 and 1-7 in his first 11 starts in 2000.
---
The Tigers beat the Indians 3-1 for their 15th win in their last 16 games. The Tigers won 15 times over a 16-game stretch in only two other seasons: 1911 and 1984.
---
The Tigers beat the Indians 3-1 for their 15th win in their last 16 games. The Tigers won 15 times over a 16-game stretch in only two other seasons: 1911 and 1984.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
the sox' best defensive team, ever?
BY THE NUMBERS: 12 -- Boston's total number of errors through 38 games, fewest in the majors. It is the fewest number of errors the Red Sox made through 38 games since 1960, the first year defensive statistics were tracked game-by-game.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Baseball player traded for Beer
05/01/2006 Schaumburg Assigned the contract of RHP Nigel Thatch (Rookie) to Fullerton of the Golden Baseball League in exchange for 1 pallet (60 cases) of Budweiser beer.
And to think we used to joke about these hypothetical trades
And to think we used to joke about these hypothetical trades
Sunday, April 23, 2006
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