Welcome to the 20th, er, 21st Century Lavinius...

Lavinius: I went out and bought a paper shredder today.

Cooch: a shredder? welcome to 2005 muhfuckah! did you buy that thing after you paid off your abacus?

Lavinius: I'm still paying off a typewriter I leased back in 1985...

bwahahhwhahaha [ahhh, hasn't identity theft been an issue for, say, 10 years now?]

Michael Jackson to trade in Neverland Ranch for the Coocher Ranch?

Lavinius and Cooch are in the process of planning their '05 baseball trip through the mid-west. Cooch notifies Lavinius about two potential conflicts with having the trip in early June. 1) he is scheduled to go to Pocono, PA to watch cars drive around in circles (a.k.a. Auto Racing), and 2) he needs to find a caregiver for his two sons on consecutive weekends in June. Lavinius, a man with all the answers, quickly remedies the situation:

Cooch: the problem isn't the pocono conflict as much as it is trying to find caregivers for two boys on consecutive weekends

Lavinius: Well, if that plea bargain goes well with Michael Jackson...

What is this world coming to?

Man charged with having "relations" with cows

Feb 26, 6:09 PM EST

Man Accused of "Putting Meat in Cows' Beef Patties"

LISBON FALLS, ME. (AP) -- A 33-year-old man is charged with sexual gratification with an animal for allegedly having sex with calves.

Cooch, of Lisbon Falls, ME allegedly told police that he routinely stopped at a Topsham farm, usually after bar closing or on trips to strip clubs near Portland or Brunswick.

A criminal complaint filed in Cooch County Circuit Court said the farm's owners installed a motion detector on Jan. 22 after regularly seeing footprints and vehicle tracks on their land. Around 4 a.m. the next morning, a sensor sounded and Cooch was caught leaving the barn, but Cooch allegedly said he just used a bathroom in the barn and had never been there before.

Cooch told police he had sex with heifers before he went into the service in 1991 and resumed about a year ago at the farm. He admitted to using a rope to tie calves around the neck and estimated he had been to the farm "at least 50 times," according to the complaint.

He told police he never had sex with animals (except his cats on occasion) while maintaining a relationship with his belligerent drunk girlfriend or his pizza eating ex-wife, the complaint said.

Cooch also is charged with disorderly conduct and two counts of obstructing an officer. Each charge carries up to nine months in jail.

Cooch is scheduled to appear in court March 10.

Cooch, co-writer with the illustrious Lavinius at laviniusandcooch.blogspot.com, is currently serving 10 years of probation for the incessant harassment of Tanyon Sturze.


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Gives whole new meaning to the term "milk moustache."

Lavinius' Random Isht Mix

Lavinius' Random Isht Mix (Compiled 2-22-05)

Pop Goes the Weasel - 3rd Bass

Copacabana - Barry Manilow

School's Out - Alice Cooper

Mammals - Bloodhound Gang

Like Toy Soldiers - Eminem

Seasons Change - Expose

Head Games - Foreigner

Homewrecker - Jhae & Bumba

Friends - Something Barry Bonds doesn't have a lot of (Jody Watley)

Girls x 3- Motley Crue

Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond

Physical - Olivia Newton John

Bust a Move - Young MC

If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free - Sting

Turn the Page - Cooch after he got doors slammed in his face by female species (Metallica)

Mr. Telephone Man - New Edition

911 Is A Joke - Nicole Brown Simpson/Ron Goldman duet (j/k, Public Enemy)

Chariots of Fire - See Comments (Vangelis)

Limp Bizkit, defined

C’mon, we’ve all had a bad day… But, if your bizkit is limp, would you videotape the event? Apparently, there’s no shame for Fred Durst, as his latest video attests.

Lavinius started this diablog with a simple email message to Cooch, simply stating, "Gives new meaning to the term 'limp' bizkit," followed by the link to the now infamous video footage of Fred Durst. Just remember, he did it all for the Nookie.

Now, we've all been there. As fun as it is to make fun of celebrities, who hasn't been in this position? I mean, is Viagra, Cialis, and all those other sexual aides a figment of my imagination, or is maintaining an erection a little (excuse the pun) harder than it looks? Sure, porn stars make it look easy, but that's all they can do. At least Fred can sing (um, that's up for debate, too).

Honestly, if you had a reamed out, filthy ass sticking in your face (see video footage, pay attention to the tattered ass of the woman in the video), are you going to be able to stay rock hard (again, excuse the pun) in front of a live audience?

Lavinius sums it up nicely:

"See that gaping hole in that girl's ass? You could drive a fucking truck through her anal cavity...

But seeing Durst's limp bizkit though? Definitely not the lasting
impression I want when I sit down for a hot dog dinner..."

True. True.

So I Have a Friend Who is a Celtics Fan

My buddy has always been a huge Antoine Walker fan. So much so that his poster is absolutely covered with.......but that's besides the point...

Anyway, he's obviously elated that the Celtics got Walker back in a trade. He's been text messaging me expressing his elation. He even went so far as to say that the Celtics could "go further" than Detroit!

For the record, in addition to being a Red Sox, Marlins, and Bills fan, I'm also a Detroit Pistons fan, so this text message was definitely intended on getting a reaction out of me. How did I react, you ask? Here is my text message back to him, verbatim:

"You willing to back that up with more than just a silly claim? 20 bucks. You owe me 20 if the Stons (editor's note: short for "Pistons") go further. I owe you 20 if the C's (editor's note: short for "Celtics") go further. We got a bet?"

The big homer that he is, he replies back with "Sure."

Haha, I love it! I don't think he was expecting me to reply back with a "put your money where your mouth is" ultimatum. With my buddy being a prideful guy, I forced his hand. He would have looked utterly spineless and gutless had he declined. He had no choice but to take the bet, a bet in all likelihood he is going to lose.

I'd be very curious to know how many people outside of the Boston and Detroit areas, and how many non-Boston and non-Detroit fans would have taken that bet with me? I can't imagine it's something that the average neutral observer would have taken me up on.

welcome to the bloggery

everyone has a blogger, so why not lavinius and cooch? i don't see why not...

anyway, we'll be posting some of our "diary" material, which is simply a collection of isht that we personally find humorous... hang tight, it's nearly 5:00 a.m. and i've yet to sleep - a slight drawback of amphetamines, most likely... ;)

p.s. Cooch, Thick, and Thickage are all the same people...
p.p.s. Cooch, Thick, Thickage, and Lavinius hate the fucking Yankees, but love the Red Sox.
p.p.p.s. Lavinius also likes the Florida Marlins
p.p.p.p.s. Cooch loves the Dallas Cowboys, Lavinius loves the Buffalo Bills

Lavinius is Wicked Tall...

The Thick/Lavinius diary is back after a year hiatus. And what better topic to re-open the diary with than Hollywood’s famous midgets of the 80’s, Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis (6/10/04):

Lavinius: if Gary Coleman stood on Emmanuel Lewis's shoulders, he'd be tall enough to lick my nuts

John Burkett's Blazing Heat

Regarding John Burkett, whose fastball tops out at 84mph (June 15, 2003; Sox are playing the Astros):

Lavinius: Wagner's change-up is faster than Burkett's fastball...

Thick: it's got more movement, too!

We fucking hate the Yankees...

On the heels of the Red Sox 13-1 win over St. Louis and the Yankees getting no-hit at home for the first time since the invention of the Color TV (June 12, 2003):

Lavinius: The Sox and Yanks…combined for 19 hits! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Todd Walker...

On Todd Walker, the Red Sox’ current second baseman, whom after 55+ games, has eight errors (June 4, 2003)

Thick: todd walker has less range than bruce hornsby!!!

Lavinius: Thank you Peter Gammons.

Thick: dude can't catch up to an ice cream truck!

Lavinius: He's sporting a new pair of Nike's. Air Cement.

Lavinius Loves the Buffalo Bills...

On the Bills signing veteran wideout James Jett, who turns 105 this year (2003)

Lavinius: Man I was worried about them [the Bills]. They hadn't signed anybody in a while. PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Dude's 32 years old, but homeboy still has some wheels at this stage of his career...

Thick: he's done. you'd be better off signing the old punter named jett...

Lavinius: Hey, it was for one year and the vet minimum. Win/win situation. They're looking for another speed guy to line up opposite of E-Moulds.

Thick: the only speed you'll see from him is the shit he’s sellin' from his locker!!!

Thick Loves Tanyon...

Thick’s obsession with Tanyon goes too far:

(Note: The following “press release” is ficticious and is not intended to violate any state, local, or federal laws)

NEWS RELEASE * BREAKING NEWS

BLUE JAYS PITCHER TAKES RESTRAINING ORDER OUT ON OBSESSED FAN IN PORTLAND, ME
by Lavinius

TORONTO ONTARIO CANADA- Blue Jays pitcher Tanyon Sturtze has taken out a restraining order on a baseball fan in Portland, Maine, the team announced this afternoon. The fan, reportedly 31 year old simply known to all as "Cooch," has been email bombing Sturtze's mailbox as well as bombarding him with non-stop phone calls and letters. Sturze initially shrugged Cooch's gestures as "obsessed admiration", but things reached the boiling point when Cooch was caught breaking into Sturtze's residence outside of Toronto this past weekend, armed with a life-size poster of the Blue Jays hurler as well as a bouquet of flowers.

"Man, enough is enough", Sturtze said, following his victory over the Red Sox Wednesday night. "At first I was flattered by his gestures, but this dude just won't stop humping my leg. Look, I appreciate his admiration and all, but come on, I'm not THAT good. Throughout my brief career, I've gotten my ass handed to me. Yet this Cooch guy sends me email saying he loves me. I just don't get it."

Cooch's friend, Lavinius of Deerfield Beach, FL (formerly of the Boston area), and a frequent recepient of Cooch's emails of admiration towards Sturtze, had this to say to the Ontario media:

"Guys, you don't know the fu**ing half of it! For the past two years (or was it three?), I've had to field these fu**ing emails of admiration as well. I think he was CC'ing the emails he sent to Tanyon and sending them to me. I keep telling the guy to cool his puppy love, but it just won't stop. I just received an email today from him that Sturtze should win the Cy Young. Guy's freakin' crazy. It's only April! Even when he was letting up 7 runs a game last year, he was still sending me emails about how the Sox should get him. But in retrospect, maybe he was right, since Pedro is our only fu**ing good starter right now. But getting back to the matter. His obsession with Tanyon is spreading like fungus on a whore's a** after screwing in poison ivy all day. I was waiting for Tanyon to finally take the restraining order out. And finally, he did it. Thank you Tanyon! Now *I* love you!

Cooch, who was distraught when he heard the news, was not available for comment.

Ragging on Daaaaaaaaaryl

LAVINIUS: Did you hear the Yankees hired back Strawberry? He's going to appear on the jumbotron jumping up and down with a crack pipe in his mouth. They're going to call him the rally junkie.

Satellite Radio

Thick is a major advocate of satellite radio stocks, specifically XM and Sirius. He bought 1,300 shares of Sirius (SIRI) at 86 cents per share. He told Lavinius that if either XM or Sirius went to $20-30/share, he’d buy him lunch. A few hours after his purchase, the shares went up 7 cents to 93 cents...

[editor's note: siri's trading at about $5.50 now and XM's above $30. 02/23/05]

Lavinius: Dude, you're up 7 cents a share on SIRI. You're up $91 not including
commission! SELL SELL SELL! That's lunch money right there! Get me a big
bacon classic and a small chili...

Thick: this shit is bouncing like a whore's ass on dollar night!

Lavinius: That shit is going up more than Mo Vaughn's cholesterol!

Thick: Higher than Darryl Strawberry!

Lavinius: Higher than Steve Howe after a blown save...

Thick: higher than steve howe after a blown nasal cavity...

Lavinius: That's shit going higher than silicon at the playboy mansion.
Higher than a Sox fan's blood pressure.
And last but not least...
Higher than Michael Irvin in a Dallas hotel room!

Is that a cow? Or a Vagina?

In the spirit of Halloween, Lavinius sent Thick a picture of the best Halloween costume of all time. It was a boy dressed up as a hairy vagina...

Thick: at first i thought that was a cow! i've seen so many in vermont that look like that!!!

Lavinius: What....cows or vaginas?

Thick: both!!!

HoTMaiL Sucks

OK, it’s been established that Hotmail is one sorry-ass form of communication. However, I think the latest opinion by Lavinius most accurately describes the ineptitude of this piss-poor free service

Lavinius: Snail mail and hotmail have something in common. With both methods of communication, you receive mail in three days.

Thick: muhfuckah is on a rollllllll! yet another one for the diary. dude, hotmail blows worse than a teenage virgin with braces, but sometimes it's the only option you've got...

On how deep the St. Louis Rams will be the upcoming season

Thick: in my opinion, their wide receiving corps got BETTER by losing az hakim and gaining terrence wilkins. wilkins has got much better hands and will do better as the #3 receiver. they've got speed and talent and tons of depth at WR. bruce, holt, wilkins, proehl, and that eric crouch muhfuckah. talent galore.

these guys are deeper than marilyn chambers's pie-hole!!!

Regarding the unreliability of Thick's main e-mail source

Thick: “hotmail is about as reliable as a lambskin condom on an aids victim.”

Discussing the history of ineptitude by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Lavinius: Check this out dude, true story. Hal McRae (Tampa Bay’s current Manager) went to a Chinese restaurant the other night. When the waiter handed him his fortune cookie at the end of the meal, McRae cracked it open, pulled out the fortune, and it said "Contraction."

Thick: you know, i don't see why tampon bay isn't on the top of that contraction list. they've contributed absolutely nothing since their inception. they've been perennial suckhouses… they fucking suck and they should be fucking abolished like child porn in a catholic priest's office.