John Burkett's Blazing Heat

Regarding John Burkett, whose fastball tops out at 84mph (June 15, 2003; Sox are playing the Astros):

Lavinius: Wagner's change-up is faster than Burkett's fastball...

Thick: it's got more movement, too!

We fucking hate the Yankees...

On the heels of the Red Sox 13-1 win over St. Louis and the Yankees getting no-hit at home for the first time since the invention of the Color TV (June 12, 2003):

Lavinius: The Sox and Yanks…combined for 19 hits! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Todd Walker...

On Todd Walker, the Red Sox’ current second baseman, whom after 55+ games, has eight errors (June 4, 2003)

Thick: todd walker has less range than bruce hornsby!!!

Lavinius: Thank you Peter Gammons.

Thick: dude can't catch up to an ice cream truck!

Lavinius: He's sporting a new pair of Nike's. Air Cement.

Lavinius Loves the Buffalo Bills...

On the Bills signing veteran wideout James Jett, who turns 105 this year (2003)

Lavinius: Man I was worried about them [the Bills]. They hadn't signed anybody in a while. PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Dude's 32 years old, but homeboy still has some wheels at this stage of his career...

Thick: he's done. you'd be better off signing the old punter named jett...

Lavinius: Hey, it was for one year and the vet minimum. Win/win situation. They're looking for another speed guy to line up opposite of E-Moulds.

Thick: the only speed you'll see from him is the shit he’s sellin' from his locker!!!

Thick Loves Tanyon...

Thick’s obsession with Tanyon goes too far:

(Note: The following “press release” is ficticious and is not intended to violate any state, local, or federal laws)

NEWS RELEASE * BREAKING NEWS

BLUE JAYS PITCHER TAKES RESTRAINING ORDER OUT ON OBSESSED FAN IN PORTLAND, ME
by Lavinius

TORONTO ONTARIO CANADA- Blue Jays pitcher Tanyon Sturtze has taken out a restraining order on a baseball fan in Portland, Maine, the team announced this afternoon. The fan, reportedly 31 year old simply known to all as "Cooch," has been email bombing Sturtze's mailbox as well as bombarding him with non-stop phone calls and letters. Sturze initially shrugged Cooch's gestures as "obsessed admiration", but things reached the boiling point when Cooch was caught breaking into Sturtze's residence outside of Toronto this past weekend, armed with a life-size poster of the Blue Jays hurler as well as a bouquet of flowers.

"Man, enough is enough", Sturtze said, following his victory over the Red Sox Wednesday night. "At first I was flattered by his gestures, but this dude just won't stop humping my leg. Look, I appreciate his admiration and all, but come on, I'm not THAT good. Throughout my brief career, I've gotten my ass handed to me. Yet this Cooch guy sends me email saying he loves me. I just don't get it."

Cooch's friend, Lavinius of Deerfield Beach, FL (formerly of the Boston area), and a frequent recepient of Cooch's emails of admiration towards Sturtze, had this to say to the Ontario media:

"Guys, you don't know the fu**ing half of it! For the past two years (or was it three?), I've had to field these fu**ing emails of admiration as well. I think he was CC'ing the emails he sent to Tanyon and sending them to me. I keep telling the guy to cool his puppy love, but it just won't stop. I just received an email today from him that Sturtze should win the Cy Young. Guy's freakin' crazy. It's only April! Even when he was letting up 7 runs a game last year, he was still sending me emails about how the Sox should get him. But in retrospect, maybe he was right, since Pedro is our only fu**ing good starter right now. But getting back to the matter. His obsession with Tanyon is spreading like fungus on a whore's a** after screwing in poison ivy all day. I was waiting for Tanyon to finally take the restraining order out. And finally, he did it. Thank you Tanyon! Now *I* love you!

Cooch, who was distraught when he heard the news, was not available for comment.

Ragging on Daaaaaaaaaryl

LAVINIUS: Did you hear the Yankees hired back Strawberry? He's going to appear on the jumbotron jumping up and down with a crack pipe in his mouth. They're going to call him the rally junkie.

Satellite Radio

Thick is a major advocate of satellite radio stocks, specifically XM and Sirius. He bought 1,300 shares of Sirius (SIRI) at 86 cents per share. He told Lavinius that if either XM or Sirius went to $20-30/share, he’d buy him lunch. A few hours after his purchase, the shares went up 7 cents to 93 cents...

[editor's note: siri's trading at about $5.50 now and XM's above $30. 02/23/05]

Lavinius: Dude, you're up 7 cents a share on SIRI. You're up $91 not including
commission! SELL SELL SELL! That's lunch money right there! Get me a big
bacon classic and a small chili...

Thick: this shit is bouncing like a whore's ass on dollar night!

Lavinius: That shit is going up more than Mo Vaughn's cholesterol!

Thick: Higher than Darryl Strawberry!

Lavinius: Higher than Steve Howe after a blown save...

Thick: higher than steve howe after a blown nasal cavity...

Lavinius: That's shit going higher than silicon at the playboy mansion.
Higher than a Sox fan's blood pressure.
And last but not least...
Higher than Michael Irvin in a Dallas hotel room!

Is that a cow? Or a Vagina?

In the spirit of Halloween, Lavinius sent Thick a picture of the best Halloween costume of all time. It was a boy dressed up as a hairy vagina...

Thick: at first i thought that was a cow! i've seen so many in vermont that look like that!!!

Lavinius: What....cows or vaginas?

Thick: both!!!

HoTMaiL Sucks

OK, it’s been established that Hotmail is one sorry-ass form of communication. However, I think the latest opinion by Lavinius most accurately describes the ineptitude of this piss-poor free service

Lavinius: Snail mail and hotmail have something in common. With both methods of communication, you receive mail in three days.

Thick: muhfuckah is on a rollllllll! yet another one for the diary. dude, hotmail blows worse than a teenage virgin with braces, but sometimes it's the only option you've got...

On how deep the St. Louis Rams will be the upcoming season

Thick: in my opinion, their wide receiving corps got BETTER by losing az hakim and gaining terrence wilkins. wilkins has got much better hands and will do better as the #3 receiver. they've got speed and talent and tons of depth at WR. bruce, holt, wilkins, proehl, and that eric crouch muhfuckah. talent galore.

these guys are deeper than marilyn chambers's pie-hole!!!

Regarding the unreliability of Thick's main e-mail source

Thick: “hotmail is about as reliable as a lambskin condom on an aids victim.”

Discussing the history of ineptitude by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Lavinius: Check this out dude, true story. Hal McRae (Tampa Bay’s current Manager) went to a Chinese restaurant the other night. When the waiter handed him his fortune cookie at the end of the meal, McRae cracked it open, pulled out the fortune, and it said "Contraction."

Thick: you know, i don't see why tampon bay isn't on the top of that contraction list. they've contributed absolutely nothing since their inception. they've been perennial suckhouses… they fucking suck and they should be fucking abolished like child porn in a catholic priest's office.

General Nonsense

Thick: "hi, my name is thick. i used to like alyssa milano - when she was 12. and, i can't wait till the olsen twins turn 18."

On Tony Clark’s struggle with the Red Sox in 2002

Lavinius: Tony Clark is so bad he couldn't reach first base with a prostitute!

On Mike Hampton’s poor performance against the Yankees...

On Mike Hampton’s poor performance against the Yankees, which Colorado lost 20-10 (June 19, 2002). When Hampton left the game, Colorado was winning 8-7.

lavinius: Dude, you never told me there was a football game last night. Fucking Jets beat the Broncos 20-10 last night at Coors....

cooch: no shit. hampton pitched 5 innings of relatively low-scoring ball, only giving up 7 runs... had the bullpen hung on...

Anna Nicole is to XM...

Thick and Lavinius are always going back and forth about XMSR stock. In this installment, they compare the company to model-turned-heffer Anna Nicole Smith

Thick: xmsr's bouncing like anna nicole's jugs on the treadmill...

Lavinius: And since when does Anna Nicole go on a treadmill?

Thick: rarely... only if there's a cheeseburger on the control panel...

Lavinius: . . . only if a dozen Dunkin' Donuts are waiting for her when she gets off.

Thick: ... and if the treadmill's power is not on!