remind me to kick punxsutawney phil's ass next time i see him...

ya know, i can handle the 25 degree weather at 7 a.m. - springtime in maine might not be the warmest climate in the states, but, c'mon, it's snowing!!!

snowing on april 12th? are you kidding me?

Red Sox' Opening Day vs. Yankees at Fenway

Red Sox 8, Stinkees 1
Monday, April 11, 2005

Just some observations:

1. bellhorn kept up with his magic number of strikeouts per game - two. he has k'd twice in 5 of 7 games. the other two games, you ask? 0 Ks and 3 Ks. so, that's 2 or more strikeouts in 6 of 7 games... good plate discipline bellhorn, keep it up!

2. you think arod's a bit nervous to play against the sox? in 7 games this young season, he's got 2 errors - both against the sox. of course, his first error of the season cost the yankees that game. i don't even need to mention that gay hand-slap he tried against bronson arroyo in the '04 alcs - or how he choked in the alcs - i think you get my drift.

3. are there any 1bman out there worse than jason giambi? anywhere? he was conveniently sitting out the fenway season opener - tino martinez, who's got to be about 49 by now, got the start. giambi's made 3 errors in 6 games. he's absolutely horrendous with the glove. now that he's off the 'roids, he's totally fucking useless. talk about dead money. what, he's on pace to hit maybe 25 HRs this year? but he's on pace to make about 70 errors! seems to be a bit overpaid at $13.4 million this season don't ya think?

4. speaking of severely overpaid... can this be right? mussina's scheduled to make $19mn this year... BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAH A AHHAHAHAHAHAHAH *choking* and bernie williams will make over $12mn! BWAHAHHA AHAHAH AHAHA.

MLB '05 Opening Day: Red Sox vs. the Yankees at Yankee Stadium

Red Sox 2, Stinkees 9
Sunday, April 3, 2005


Just a few observations:

1. Mark Bellhorn is already in midseason form, continuing where he left off last year - that is, leading the league in strikeouts! After his 3 whiffs in the MLB '05 season opener, he's on pace to strikeout 486 times...

2. I heart Tanyon Sturtze. Sturtze, who is allegedly being stalked by Cooch, opened the season with two perfect innings of work against Cooch's beloved Red Sox. He is certainly the front-runner for the Cy Young award (ah, Sturtze, not Cooch)...

3. Speaking of perfect games: had it not been for the 2 hit-batsmen, walk, balk, and 10 hits in 4.1 innings, David Wells would have also been on pace for a perfect game! BWAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHH

Byung-Hyun Kim Reacquired by the Red Sox

FORT MYERS, Fla. -- The Boston Red Sox traded reliever Byung-Hyun Kim to the Colorado Rockies, calling the $10 million, two-year deal they gave him in 2004 "a mistake."

Just two days later, the Sox reacquired his services for cash considerations and a player to be named later. "We didn't realize the true effect of Kim leaving the organization," stated General Manager Theo Epstein. Two nearby rice-shops and multiple sushi bars closed down, citing a lack of business, formerly supported by Kim. "Kim, his 32 brothers and sisters, parents, and great-grandparents used to visit us daily," said a local shop owner. "Now, he's no longer in Beantown, no longer our customer. We simply cannot survive without his business."

Oh, yeah. Happy April Fools...

Antoine Walker is not The Answer

cooch: when the game's on the line, down the stretch, it doesn't matter if your guy has 40 points in the game if he can't hit a couple of clutch ones w/ time winding down... twan's not great, period.

lavinius: ...in the end, he's going to kill you with some of the worst shooting you'll ever see since Stevie Wonder tried duck hunting...

cooch: i've seen better shots in a b-rated porno...

lavinius: Canseco said in his book that Twan tried to shoot himself with steroids and missed...

BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

Gives new meaning to the term "finger foods"

Diner finds finger in chili

Officials: Diner finds finger in chili
Thursday, March 24, 2005 Posted: 8:48 AM EST (1348 GMT)

SAN FRANCISCO, California (Reuters) -- A diner at a Wendy's fast food restaurant in San Jose, California, found a human finger in a bowl of chili prepared by the chain, local officials said Wednesday.

"This individual apparently did take a spoonful, did have a finger in their mouth and then, you know, spit it out and recognized it," said Ben Gale, director of the department of environmental health for Santa Clara County. "Then they had some kind of emotional reaction and vomited."

Local officials launched an investigation after the incident Tuesday night and the medical examiner determined Wednesday that the object was a human finger.

Officials are trying to determine whether the finger came in the raw materials Wendy's used to prepare the chili, Gale said.

Wendy's International Inc. corporate office did not immediately return a call for comment. Wendy's is the third-largest hamburger chain.

Dude, I wish I didn't get a Dell!

Sup ladies and gents! Just returning from 20th century fucking purgatory as I've been without my laptop since Saturday. But, after dropping $700 down for a new motherboard and installation/diagnostics, I am muthafuckin back! This is a bigger return than Freddy fuckin Krueger, Jason, Mike Myers, and Rocky combined!

Oh, and Dell can friggin blow me. Their computers are on the same hash their former spokesman "Steve" is on...

Cooch's Random Isht Mix

1. twice as hard - the black crowes
2. lean back - terror squad
3. the red - chevelle
4. rock the casbah - the clash
5. foolin' - def leppard
6. the seed - the roots
7. here and now - luther vandross
8. the gift - jim brickman
9. cold hard bitch - jet
10. new york state of mind - tony bennett
11. santa monica - everclear
12. i'm already there - lonestar
13. calling all girls - rick springfield
14. place in this world - michael w. smith
15. rocket queen - guns n' roses
16. rock the casbah - the clash (DID I PUT THIS SONG ON TWICE?)
17. babe, i'm gonna leave you - great white
18. the dam at otter creek - live

insomniac music theater

it seems like the only time you can actually see a music video these days is if you happen to be watching insomniac music theater on vh1, say, at 3:30 a.m... now, the videos have been pretty good this morning (except for that latest shitty release by U2), but it's not like i'm going to set my clock to wake up at this time in order to watch music videos.

now that i think of it, that's why i fucking bought tivo.

that tangent aside, i'm watching my favorite new band's (velvet revolver) smokin' video, "dirty little thing." slash is tearin' up the fretboard as if he were still doing lines of coke and drinking whiskey like it was water for a deyhdrated dog. scott weiland couldn't possibly get any thinner; he should consider replacing the syringe in his arm with a protein feeding drip. doesn't much matter though, because the scantily-clad whores in the video are wearing sexy leather -- vinyl, maybe -- skimpy wear (p.s. i'm not offended by scantily-clad whores, so i say that in the most affectionate way).

for a stark contrast to the chicks in the velvet revolver videos, joss stone is subtly sexy. joss' latest, "right to be wrong," is now playing on the insomniac music theater. it's possible that i'm biased towards her because i have a penchant for tight-bodied young blonde chicks with great vocal range - but who can blame me?

keane weighed in with a good tune - "somewhere only we know" i think it is...

jet also chimed in with "look what you've done." good shizzle...

what i cannot believe, though, is that vh1 is spinning U2's video AGAIN. what? you mean i'm watching videos from 3:30 a.m. to 4:30 a.m. -- and of all the videos in the vault -- you subject me to U2 twice in that span? WTF? "sometimes you can't make it on your own" is the song... well, now that i've heard it twice within the hour, it's kind of growing on me... not sure why i hate U2 so much...

maybe because i just don't get enough sleep.

Man Severs Penis; Eats it

A 40-year-old man is recovering in hospital in The Philippines after cutting off his penis and eating it.

Asked about Ernesto Almonte's mental state, a hospital spokesman said: "If you cut your sex organ and then eat it, then something is wrong with you."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,12477927-13762,000.html

Lavinius = The Modern Day MacGyver

Funny story. This morning was trash day. My cat filled up his litter box because he's a very regular kitty. So like I always do, I dumped the "contents" of the litter box into the trash with the intentions of giving him a fresh batch of litter. One problem-- I was out of litter! So now here is this empty litter box with absolutely no signs of litter anywhere. With it being one in the morning, obviously all the stores are closed so I can't pick any up. So I really had to get creative. After racking my brain for 15 minutes and contemplating suicide, an idea popped into my head!

I decided to use sugar in place of litter. So I went in my fridge, took out a fairly large bag of it, and proceeded to empty the contents into his litter box. Unfortunately, all it did was cover the bottom. There wasn't enough sugar to give the litter any depth, so it was going to be tough for him to "bury his stash."

In any event, as luck would have it, five minutes after I poured the sugar in (and laughing my ass off), the cat goes in there. I'm thinking, "oh man, this is gonna be interesting." So the cat decides to take a nice long piss. And I mean long! How long? Tom Hanks long in A League of Their Own. If you haven't seen that, go rent it. But anyway, after a good five minutes of drainin' the lizard, he emerges from the box. I go over there to "assess the damages", and there's a fuckin flood in there! All the sugar I put in there was replaced with a pool of cat urin! I was repulsed! So quickly, I had to remedy the situation. I actually had some confectionary sugar in my fridge, too, so I took the package of that and started dumping it all over the cat piss until it was completely submerged underneath it. Luckilly, I had enough of the stuff to bury it completely.

I went to bed last night with my cat's litter consisting of both regular sugar and confectionary sugar. Hey, if that affects this years voting in the "Pet Owner of the Year" awards, so be it. But when I went downstairs this morning, I prayed that he didn't drop bombs in there. Luckilly, he didn't. No dookie sighting was a big plus! I had dodged a huge bullet. Who knew what kind of repugnant odor the combination of dookie, piss, granular sugar, and confectionary sugar would leave in my wonderful, fragrant home.

Not wanting the cat to provide a re-inactment of the tsunamis in Thailand with another five minute long pissfest, I embarked to BJ's to pick up a 33 lb container of litter. As funny as it would be to continue to watch him bury his dookie in sugar, he needs the litter, otherwise, he'll start tasting the litter and I'll have a diabetic cat.

Another thought before I bring this story to a close. Do you think this will influence neighbors coming over and asking for sugar?

Theo Thinks Like Lavinius and Cooch...

"I try to keep my distance from it. I don't want to catch anything. That thing has been passed around more often than Paris Hilton."

- Theo Epstein on the World Series trophy

Welcome to the 20th, er, 21st Century Lavinius...

Lavinius: I went out and bought a paper shredder today.

Cooch: a shredder? welcome to 2005 muhfuckah! did you buy that thing after you paid off your abacus?

Lavinius: I'm still paying off a typewriter I leased back in 1985...

bwahahhwhahaha [ahhh, hasn't identity theft been an issue for, say, 10 years now?]

Michael Jackson to trade in Neverland Ranch for the Coocher Ranch?

Lavinius and Cooch are in the process of planning their '05 baseball trip through the mid-west. Cooch notifies Lavinius about two potential conflicts with having the trip in early June. 1) he is scheduled to go to Pocono, PA to watch cars drive around in circles (a.k.a. Auto Racing), and 2) he needs to find a caregiver for his two sons on consecutive weekends in June. Lavinius, a man with all the answers, quickly remedies the situation:

Cooch: the problem isn't the pocono conflict as much as it is trying to find caregivers for two boys on consecutive weekends

Lavinius: Well, if that plea bargain goes well with Michael Jackson...

What is this world coming to?

Man charged with having "relations" with cows

Feb 26, 6:09 PM EST

Man Accused of "Putting Meat in Cows' Beef Patties"

LISBON FALLS, ME. (AP) -- A 33-year-old man is charged with sexual gratification with an animal for allegedly having sex with calves.

Cooch, of Lisbon Falls, ME allegedly told police that he routinely stopped at a Topsham farm, usually after bar closing or on trips to strip clubs near Portland or Brunswick.

A criminal complaint filed in Cooch County Circuit Court said the farm's owners installed a motion detector on Jan. 22 after regularly seeing footprints and vehicle tracks on their land. Around 4 a.m. the next morning, a sensor sounded and Cooch was caught leaving the barn, but Cooch allegedly said he just used a bathroom in the barn and had never been there before.

Cooch told police he had sex with heifers before he went into the service in 1991 and resumed about a year ago at the farm. He admitted to using a rope to tie calves around the neck and estimated he had been to the farm "at least 50 times," according to the complaint.

He told police he never had sex with animals (except his cats on occasion) while maintaining a relationship with his belligerent drunk girlfriend or his pizza eating ex-wife, the complaint said.

Cooch also is charged with disorderly conduct and two counts of obstructing an officer. Each charge carries up to nine months in jail.

Cooch is scheduled to appear in court March 10.

Cooch, co-writer with the illustrious Lavinius at laviniusandcooch.blogspot.com, is currently serving 10 years of probation for the incessant harassment of Tanyon Sturze.


--------

Gives whole new meaning to the term "milk moustache."

Lavinius' Random Isht Mix

Lavinius' Random Isht Mix (Compiled 2-22-05)

Pop Goes the Weasel - 3rd Bass

Copacabana - Barry Manilow

School's Out - Alice Cooper

Mammals - Bloodhound Gang

Like Toy Soldiers - Eminem

Seasons Change - Expose

Head Games - Foreigner

Homewrecker - Jhae & Bumba

Friends - Something Barry Bonds doesn't have a lot of (Jody Watley)

Girls x 3- Motley Crue

Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond

Physical - Olivia Newton John

Bust a Move - Young MC

If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free - Sting

Turn the Page - Cooch after he got doors slammed in his face by female species (Metallica)

Mr. Telephone Man - New Edition

911 Is A Joke - Nicole Brown Simpson/Ron Goldman duet (j/k, Public Enemy)

Chariots of Fire - See Comments (Vangelis)

Limp Bizkit, defined

C’mon, we’ve all had a bad day… But, if your bizkit is limp, would you videotape the event? Apparently, there’s no shame for Fred Durst, as his latest video attests.

Lavinius started this diablog with a simple email message to Cooch, simply stating, "Gives new meaning to the term 'limp' bizkit," followed by the link to the now infamous video footage of Fred Durst. Just remember, he did it all for the Nookie.

Now, we've all been there. As fun as it is to make fun of celebrities, who hasn't been in this position? I mean, is Viagra, Cialis, and all those other sexual aides a figment of my imagination, or is maintaining an erection a little (excuse the pun) harder than it looks? Sure, porn stars make it look easy, but that's all they can do. At least Fred can sing (um, that's up for debate, too).

Honestly, if you had a reamed out, filthy ass sticking in your face (see video footage, pay attention to the tattered ass of the woman in the video), are you going to be able to stay rock hard (again, excuse the pun) in front of a live audience?

Lavinius sums it up nicely:

"See that gaping hole in that girl's ass? You could drive a fucking truck through her anal cavity...

But seeing Durst's limp bizkit though? Definitely not the lasting
impression I want when I sit down for a hot dog dinner..."

True. True.

So I Have a Friend Who is a Celtics Fan

My buddy has always been a huge Antoine Walker fan. So much so that his poster is absolutely covered with.......but that's besides the point...

Anyway, he's obviously elated that the Celtics got Walker back in a trade. He's been text messaging me expressing his elation. He even went so far as to say that the Celtics could "go further" than Detroit!

For the record, in addition to being a Red Sox, Marlins, and Bills fan, I'm also a Detroit Pistons fan, so this text message was definitely intended on getting a reaction out of me. How did I react, you ask? Here is my text message back to him, verbatim:

"You willing to back that up with more than just a silly claim? 20 bucks. You owe me 20 if the Stons (editor's note: short for "Pistons") go further. I owe you 20 if the C's (editor's note: short for "Celtics") go further. We got a bet?"

The big homer that he is, he replies back with "Sure."

Haha, I love it! I don't think he was expecting me to reply back with a "put your money where your mouth is" ultimatum. With my buddy being a prideful guy, I forced his hand. He would have looked utterly spineless and gutless had he declined. He had no choice but to take the bet, a bet in all likelihood he is going to lose.

I'd be very curious to know how many people outside of the Boston and Detroit areas, and how many non-Boston and non-Detroit fans would have taken that bet with me? I can't imagine it's something that the average neutral observer would have taken me up on.

welcome to the bloggery

everyone has a blogger, so why not lavinius and cooch? i don't see why not...

anyway, we'll be posting some of our "diary" material, which is simply a collection of isht that we personally find humorous... hang tight, it's nearly 5:00 a.m. and i've yet to sleep - a slight drawback of amphetamines, most likely... ;)

p.s. Cooch, Thick, and Thickage are all the same people...
p.p.s. Cooch, Thick, Thickage, and Lavinius hate the fucking Yankees, but love the Red Sox.
p.p.p.s. Lavinius also likes the Florida Marlins
p.p.p.p.s. Cooch loves the Dallas Cowboys, Lavinius loves the Buffalo Bills

Lavinius is Wicked Tall...

The Thick/Lavinius diary is back after a year hiatus. And what better topic to re-open the diary with than Hollywood’s famous midgets of the 80’s, Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis (6/10/04):

Lavinius: if Gary Coleman stood on Emmanuel Lewis's shoulders, he'd be tall enough to lick my nuts